Funny or not?

[marval]

This man said to me, “I once got my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away.”I said: “That’s a bit far-fetched.”

So I was in the jungle and I saw this monkey with a tin-opener. I said: “You don’t need a tin-opener to peel a banana.” He said: “I know, this is for the custard.”

I was going to write my will today but then I thought, life’s too short.

Someone said to me that lemons were very sharp so I tried using one to carve a turkey.

So I went to the cinema and I saw a very sad film. The man behind me suddenly started wailing. I got hit on the back of the head with a harpoon.

I was in this car wash and I started foaming at the mouth. I thought, I’m not having this, so I cycled out again.

So I went to the local pub. I drank a bottle of wine and lost my iPhone. I got arrested for being drunk and disorganised.

My favourite film is the Clint Eastwood classic Unforgiven. At the moment they’re working on a sequel. It’s called Look, I Said I’m Sorry.

So I went down the local video shop. I said: “Can I take out The Elephant Man?” He said: “He’s not your type.” I said: “Can I have Batman Forever?” He said: “No, you’ve got to bring it back tomorrow.” I said: “What about Another 48 Hours?” He said. “Tomorrow.”

I was having dinner with chess champion Gary Kasparov and we had a black-and-white tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I find the hardest thing about voting with your feet is doing a handstand in the polling booth.

[puternut]

hmm some and most (Some FUNNY but most NOT)

[anneasquith]

very funny.

[welshlibranr]

Oh Marval, get a grip!.......really strange!......

[jd_1984]

Reminds me of Tim Vine material.

[piggynose]

´time vine´s funny though

[piggynose]

time vine!! meant Tim Vine

[sophie_1003]

Liked most of these, not so keen on others!

[daftgrandad]

Curates Egg this time marval.

[Bbbananas]

I like the Gary Kasparov one.... ;-)

[JonnyBoy12]

Very very funny; have you got any more like this?

[wildwood]

I like the short ones. I find last one the best.

[Jemisa]

Have heard most of em before but 6/10 for effort. - better get your coat.

[Marijn]

I liked the Gary Kasparov one best too.
What do you mean by curate's egg, daftgrandad?

[marval]

curates egg

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Curate's_egg

[Marijn]

Thanks, Marval.

[scrunge999]

More Tim Vine classics..,

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.

I wanted to be a milkman, right – but I didn’t have the bottle!!

Black Beauty, now there’s a dark horse.

I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said, ‘I bet you £5 you can’t guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf’.
‘ I’m not gambling!’ I said, ‘The steaks are too high!!!!!!

So I took my dog for a walk and it was really angry -
well it would be it’s a cross breed!!

So I said to my Mum ‘I’m going to the funfair’ -
she said ‘Oooooh will you go on the Ghost train?’ – I said ‘No, I’ll walk.

I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for £1.
Only problem was the volume control which was stuck on full. Come on, how can you turn that down?

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling-film for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts’.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn’t know what to make of it.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,’Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!
The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.

So I went to the doctor and he said, ‘You’ve got hypochondria.’ I said, ‘Not that as well.

Advent Calendars, Their days are numbered.

I phoned the Football League and said I was interested in running a Sheffield based football team. They said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t manage Wednesday'.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen

[scrunge999]

...on it. I thought, ‘That’s Aboriginal.’

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said, ‘No, permanent.’

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue..’ I said ‘No, just a watch.’

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bi-satchel.

The recruitment consultant asked me ‘What do you think of voluntary work? I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.’

I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, ‘Are you having me on?’ I said, ‘Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.’

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny: you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

[Marijn]

They're good, scrunge :-)