As much use as...

[Rusks]

Can anyone tell me any alternatives to the phrase;
"as much use as / as useless as a chocolate teapot"?
No more than 3 words please, and not rude!
I already know chocolate fender, waterproof teabag, glass hammer, newspaper raincoat / umbrella.
Thanks :)

[genji]

As much use as a fishnet condom.

[DJB911]

as much use as tits on fish

[DJB911]

Tits on a Fish

[Gibbs77]

A chocolate teacup & saucer :-)

[yorkielad]

Tits on a bull.

[yorkielad]

Tits on a bull.

[Travisglancey65]

About as much use as a street light on the sun