Jokes

[Mowbray]

Hi all,

What is the most funniest clean joke you've ever heard?

Thanks

[bernardo]

Q. What's the difference between a duck?
A. One of its legs is both the same!

[sponge]

I dont get that joke - bernado

[Mowbray]

Either I am thick or the joke isn't funny??

Nice try Bernardo :-)

[FastBarry]

Bernardo, I thought it was funny.

A bit similar to the difference between two oranges and two apples. The answer is of course, one banana.

Q. Whats Brown and sticky.

A. A stick.

[ratbag66]

bernardo - my dad used to tell me that one when I was little!

 

What about -

Q What's yellow and dangerous?

A Shark-infested custard!

[hectic]

Irish Paddy is on Who wants to be a Millionaire, he's got �500,000 and all 3 lifelines left.  The next question for �1,000,000 is "Who was the great train robber"?  Was it A: Charlie Biggs B: Ronnie Biggs and so on.  Paddy thinks about this for while and says "I'll take the money Chris", Chris then says " Are you sure Paddy, you've got all 3 life lines left you know"?  "No, I'm sure" says Paddy.  Chris Tarrant then goes on to congratulate him on his winnings and says "Out of interest Paddy would you like to know who it was?" Paddy replies "No I already know who it is thanks"  Chris is somewhat stunned and says "Well if you knew Paddy why didn't you say anything?"  "I'm no bloody grass" replies Paddy

[Mowbray]

hectic - that's class!

[Clanad]

Three recently deceased souls show up at the Pearly Gates... St. Peter says, "We've been in a remodeling project and only have room for 1 soul.  I'll choose between you based on how horrible a death you suffered.

First guy tells his story... " I know my wife was cheating on me, but I couldn't catch her.  I came home early one day and raged through our tenth story apartment.  I couldn't find the culprit and was about to give up, when I saw fingers holding onto the floor of the small balcony just outside our kitchen.  I stomped on them and he still wouldn't let go.  I finally grabbed the nearby refrigerator and shoved it over the balcony on top of him, but just as it was going down, the electric cord wrapped around my leg and pulled me over...."

Next guy says, "I was a cable T.V. installer and was working on a 9th story apartment and had to run the cable from the story above.  I was standing on a small ladder and reaching onto to the balcony above, when a madman burst out and begins stomping on my fingers... I started to fall and couldn't let go, and then he threw a refrigerator on top of me...."

Last guy says... "There I was, naked in this refrigerator..."

[FastBarry]

Some sad news:-

Larry Laprise, the man who wrote "The hokey cokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in - and then all the trouble started.

[FastBarry]

And another, sorry in advance.....

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh Hospital and enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets the first patient and the patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face, great Chieftain o' the puddin race, aboon them a you take your place, painch,tripe or thairm, as langs my arm"

Tony is confused and moves on to greet the next patient who responds:

"Some hae meat and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, so let the Lord be thankit"

Even more confused Tony moves on to yet another patient who begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, timrous cowrin' beasty, though needna start awa sae hastie, wi bickerin brattle"

Very alarmed Tony now turns to the Doctor and asks "What kind of facility is this ? Is it a mental ward?"

"No", replies the Doctor, "This is the Serious Burns Unit"

[toonmilo]

All very good jokes!!!!

 

How about...........

 

 i once met a girl from amsterdam who wore inflatable shoes, i tried looking her up a few years back, but she had popped her clogs!!!

[ermintrude35]

..2 fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says " do you know how to drive this thing? "...

...2 cows in a field, one turns to the other and says "moo"...the other ones says " I was gonna say that"...

[corganiser]

Fastbarry I thought your stick joke was fantastic, Bernardo I got yours, but Clanad's is just the best, my keyboard is wet with tears.

My humble offering after that is:

Young work experience lad gets sent to an isolated lighthouse where he replaces a recently retired man. He now works on this rocky outcrop with a long serving middle-aged keeper.

The lad asks -so what do we do here?

Keeper - when it gets dark we turn the light on

Lad - no, I mean how do we pass the time?

Keeper - oh, on Mondays we play ludo

Lad - boring!

Keeper - well, on Tuesdays we play scrabble

Lad - tragis!

Keeper - on Wednesdays we play bingo

Lad - no, no, no, no

Keeper - tell me lad, are you homosexual?

Lad - no!

Keeper - you are going to really hate Thursdays............

[sasserina]

2 ants in an airing cupboard which ones in the army ? the one on the tank !!!

[Del424]

A coach load of particularly ugly people pulls up outside the Pearly Gates.  The first one at the gate is advised by St Peter that as they were dealt such a poor hand in being born so ugly and being driven off the road they should be granted one wish before then enter.

The first one wishes to be beautiful and is immediately transformed.  Everyones eyes light up apart from the man at the back who smiles.

The second, on seeing the transformation decides that she too would like to be beautiful and makes the same wish.  The man at the back laughs.

This trend ripples throughout the queue of deseased bussers with all becoming beautiful otr handsome as their gender dicatated.  There was man who was confused what to ask for but he went for handsome in the end.

Finally the last tripper steps up to make his wish and by this time he is laughing hysterically.  "What is your wish"? asks St Peter.  Pausing from his laughter the mans says "Make them all ugly again"

[Woodstock]

A piece of black tarmac went into a pub and asked for a drink but the barman refused to serve it and told it to go outside.  A piece of grey tarmac went into a pub and asked for a drink but again the barman refused to serve it and told it to go outside.  The black and grey tarmac were commiserating with each other outside when a piece of red tarmac walked passed them into the pub.  The black and grey tarmac looked at each other and smiled knowingly at each other expecting the red tarmac to join them at any moment.

After 10 minutes the red tarmac hadn't come out of the pub so the black and grey tarmac went inside to investigate.  There they saw the red tarmac sitting back comfortably drinking a pint.

"Hey what's the big idea?" said the black and grey tarmac.  "How come you'll serve the red tarmac and not us?"

"Oh I'm not arguing with him" said the barman "He's a cycle-path!" 

[JOEYSHABADO]

So they charged one, and let the other one off.

Following on from above....

Afterwards, the police officer went into the pub and met the piece of black tarmac in the above post. 'Yes sir?' asked the barman, to which the officer replied "A pint of guinness, please....and one for the road."

[pjm007]

A scarecrow was awarded the Nobel Prize because he was outstanding in his field.

[Earthlady]

lol

Two very old favourites...

Three builders on a building site are sitting down for their lunch break.  They open up their sandwich boxes and dive into the contents. 

John picks up a sandwich, looks inside, and says "Oh, no, not ham again.  If I have ham sandwiches again tomorrow I'll go crazy."  Jim asks him, "Who makes your sandwiches, John?"  And John replies, "My daughter.  I'll have to tell her tonight."

Jim is the next to look into his sandwich box and exclaim "Oh no, if I have cheese and pickle again tomorrow I'll ask for a divorce!"  John asks him "Who makes your sandwiches, Jim?"  And Jim replies, "My missus.  I'll have to tell her tonight."

Then Paddy opens his lunch box and picks up a sandwich.  "Oh, no," he says, "If I get roast beef sandwiches again tomorrow I'll top meself!"  So who makes your sandwiches, Paddy? ask Jim and John in unison.  "What?" says Paddy, "Well sure I make 'em meself"

My other fave is the wide mouth frog joke, but since it needs actions....