work colleague's sad loss

[I.Don No]

when she comes back to work after her husband's funeral I am not sure what to say to her on our first meeting. I want to say something, she has been upset that some colleagues have not talked to her re his illness. I know whatever I say she will be upset............any ideas?

TIA

[tenrec]

What about "It's lovely to see you back"

[Kiki-frog]

Oh that's so difficult. People get so embarrassed about saying the wrong thing, but your colleagues avoiding the issue altogether is dreadful. Tenrec's idea is good, just to break the ice. It's not easy.

[emmie]

just be with her, company is a good thing, tell her how sorry you are, and that you will help whenever she needs it. Even if you can't all the time, but it's good to know someone will put themselves out for you.

and do not say time is a great healer, because firstly it isn't, secondly it's a most overused phrase.

[vivandorron]

Put your arms around her and say something like tenrec has suggested.
I don't think you need say anymore unless she indicates that she wants to talk about her unfortunate loss. Also, as em10 has said, avoid the phrase "Time is a great healer".......Kiki-frog is right...it's not easy but you have to say something to 'break the ice'.

Ron.

[Prudie]

I've been through this recently and totally agree with em. Best to do it right from the start, admit you don't know what to say but are so sorry and offer to be there to talk if she wants.

[emmie]

it's people's silence that hurts, those of your friends who say nothing, or come up with phrases that truthfully have little or no meaning. I would sit with someone not speaking, but knowing they were there was a comfort.

[zebo]

So agree with the comments about silence hurting, your colleague will be dreading coming back to work, knowing how hard you'll find knowing what to say. A quick hug, glad to see you back and then get on with the day. After my Mother died, I went back to school on the last day of term to get it over with. I was fine, a lot of avoided eye-contact from colleagues, but after registration, as my 28 15-16 years olds were going out, one of the hardcases came over to my desk, patted my hand and said You OK luv? Sent me right over the edge, bless him!

[I.Don No]

thank you all very much for taking the trouble to help me out with this, much appreciated.

I would have trouble in choosing the best answer because they are all good.

[emmie]

no need, because it's what you say, and indeed do for your work colleague that counts.

[heathfield]

In such situations I don't know what to say - so I say just that.

[Kiki-frog]

Just been reading the answers here, and I am reminded of how when my dad died, someone who I'd thought of as a friend said to me, 'Let's get together when you feel better,' as though I had some horrible contagious illness. But I needed a friend right then. I needed a hug. That really hurt. Just an arm round the shoulders and a few words (It's good to see you/I'm sorry you're feeling so bad/anything showing that you care about her pain) will comfort her so much.

[vivandorron]

Kiki-frog is 100% correct. It doesn't necessarily require a two handed hug.....An arm on your colleagues shoulder with a few honest words is all that is required as a starter. You'll not be lost for conversation after that because your colleague will respond and then all will progress from that point.

Ron

[woofgang]

After the acknowledgement (sorry for your loss, whatever, say what you can say honestly) I really really wanted to be treated like normal...tell the office goss, moan about the weather...not in a gushing can't stop talking sort of way but just chat. There isn't actually a right response.She won't know what will upset her or maybe make her lose her temper. Be ready to offer tissues.

[One-Two-One]

First it depends if you know her husand - if not the best advice is to show that your here for her and say how sad its been to here your sorrow and offer any help that she might need after work hours, whilst at work she will feel that she has a role to play - but the hardest moments are on returning to a empty home assuming she has know children at home and that is the time that friends and work colleagues be there for her, any place where her husband hasn't been to will be felf as moving on whilst at home the role of wife has gone and needs to be replaced with a new vision - hope that is helpful to you

[One-Two-One]

The best policy is to say what you feel, i would say that i was sad to hear about the loss of your husband,and that i'm all ears if you want to talk about the loss after work hours, in most cases returning to work is a happy period where as at home she would be constantly thinking about her loss, the hardest period is returning to an empty home and she will feel lost with know role to play as wife and its that period where she will need to adjust to a new role or purpose in life after work - hope thats has helped