Snobbery

[Drusilla]

I received a phone call earlier, in which my youngest sister accused me of being aloof and ashamed of my background because I refuse to visit her in Hackney.
We have very different memories of the place and whereas she adores the vibrancy and spirit of the streets, I remember the grime and crime that plagued the first 18 years of my life.
She ran with a wild, drug fuelled crowd, while I studied at home, virtually friendless and hiding from bullies who ridiculed my titian hair, my height. (I was 6' tall at 14) and even my passivity.
I'm now sitting with a cup of tea, enjoying watching my daughters throwing nuts to a squirrel in the garden and remembering just how much I hated Hackney.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of culture clash within their own family and how do you handle it?

[Andy008]

I haven't experienced the same, but Hackney is pretty horrible at the best of times...

I assume you mean Clapton, rather than Shoreditch and Hoxton)

[maggie01]

Used to hang aroung Hackney in my youth. Didn't live there. Bit grotty then. I don't know where you are now, but it sounds a lot nicer.

[jno]

do you hate it more than you love your sister?

Squirrels, brrr, rats with furry tails. But many - most - people find them cute, and rats horrid. Depends on how you look at things. Same with Hackney, I guess.

[Drusilla]

I accept your point jno, but as I still live in London, it's not a matter of lack of contact. We meet for lunch in other parts of town, but she's peeved I refuse to go clubbing and stay overnight at her place. I realise I didn't make that clear. It's the complete culture clash and I sometimes feel there's a lot more than 5 years between us.

[joko]

why not invite her for lunch at a neutral, nice place.

If there is no option, just go now and again, or invite her to your house - its not worth causing a family feud for it.

If she drives ask her to pick you up and take you home so you don't even have to walk anywhere in hackney

[mullein3]

you have moved on..and if you dont wish to return to hackney which is probably a lot worse now..as i believe its gone downhill..then dont go..you have your own family ..and your sister is welcome to visit you..my husband returned to where he used to live the other week he hadnt been back for 28 years and he was shocked how bad it had become..and was really glad he had escaped..just tell your sister its a mistake to go back in life as it never works out ..and you are looking to the future..their is nothing to be ashamed of you have just changed and evolved into the person you are now..perhaps you and the sister have different personalitys and want different things..so you will have to agree to disagree..and just do your own thing..

[vehelpfulguy]

I have a similar problem to you. I am male, and have a sister 2 years younger than me.

I have always been keen to better myself, and I have a good job and own my own house (mortgage paid off).

My sister has never had any ambitions, she lives in a council house in a poor area in North London. She has married twice and both men were wasters.

But she is happy where she is, and I am happy where I am.

I have no wish to visit her house, or see her husband.

If we were not brother and sister I doubt if we would ever become friends. We keep a respectful distance.

Sounds as though you and your sister have the same 'problem'.

Dont let her bring you down because you have tried to better yourself and move on, while she has not.

We are all different.

[Gnisy]

Well, if I were your sister I'd be upset about you never visiting home as well. Does this have to do with your sister or with the place? Everyone gets a new lease in life once they've grown up. Some learn to shed the clinging memories while others have a harder time doing so. Perhaps you, being the elder brother and who seems to be having a great family now should take the first step and make an effort in trying to mend the broken link of sibling-hood? It never hurts to try. And even if you have given up on Hackney, you shouldn't give up family for it.

Best of luck.

[Drusilla]

Thank you for your comments Gnisy. I just thought I'd mention I'm actually female and the mother of two little girls. I can't think how you assumed I'd be male with a profile name like Drusilla, but I'm now beginning to suspect my problems may be worse than I expected!!!

[Gnisy]

Drusilla, I am so so sorry for thinking you were male. Please do not allow any of my remarks to make you paranoid or suspect of any problems. I made a silly assumption based on the 6 feet height you had when you were 14 and your unwillingness to patch up things with your younger sister. I'd always thought that brothers have a harder time connecting with younger sisters compared to sisters. I've neglected to notice your profile name as well as I was in a hurry to post the answer and make my way to an appointment. Please do not take any offence for I never had any against you. Thousand apologies.

[Lore]

Hiya Drusilla, I know exactly what you're talking about... I on the other hand force myself to make it to the occasional family party and manage to nod and smile politely throughout -yet inside I'm dying! I ran away from this life when I was 17. I love my family and would do anything for them but when it comes to becoming the person I feared so much of turning into I cringe and hide once again. I'm finding that the older I get, the further I distance myself from it all - lol my mom makes me laugh tho, she says I talk in a permanent telephone voice! It's not about that, I just chose not to pick up the regional 'wannabe scally' accent and become something i'm not inside!

[Drusilla]

Hi Lore. I have to say I feel quite reassured by some of the answers I've received. I love my sister, but I shiver at the thought of Hackney. I only moved west across town, but it's a different world.

[Lore]

it's quite scary when you put it all into perspective and consider what you may have become - just a single wrong foot could have changed everything!

I'm known as the black sheep of the family - in my eyes, I'm the only white sheep! but that's a matter of opinion!!

[jno]

Sounds like Lore is right. But are you guys still a little bit insecure about yourselves? A bit worried that if you even walk through the mean streets back there you'll suddenly be whisked back into a life of horror? Or is it more specifically that there are particular people - family perhaps - you never want to run into again? No cure for the latter, I don't think, but if it's just the former, you might be pleasantly surprised to go back there and see how far you've managed to progress.

But having said that... if you just hate the place, no, you don't have to go there. That isn't snobbery, it's just following your heart.

[Lore]

It was a case of moving on and not becoming what was expected of me jno, I just wanted to fit in my skin!