I never knew my real father

[hopeful2cu]

How can I find out who he is/was, he may be dead. He would be in his late eighties, at this time of life.
My mother is still alive, but she refuses to tell me his name or anything. im fifthy and would like to at least know his name.

[cosyrosy]

i found my dad after 35 years through contacting a relative of my (very long dead) mum - is there anyone in your family you could maybe talk to? - or if not, might he be on your original birth certificate- it's easy to get one- but do be careful- ther may be a good reason why your mother is keeping this secret.

[twopennorth]

Difficult.

If he wasn't named on your birth certificate, which is likely, then your mother is the one person who can tell you the truth. Or perhaps a relative such as one of her siblings could enlighten you if she persists in being uncooperative?

It might help to do some background research on where she was living when you were born. That might provide some clues.

There was a case recently of a young man who traced his biological father using the internet. I'm exactly sure how he managed this, but it could be worth exploring. In that case I should imagine it was using the Y Chromosone, not much help if you are female.

[Octavius]

Is there a particular reason that your mother won't tell you? (I don't mean to sound insensitive here) Is it possible that she wasn't in a relationship with this person, she may have been raped or there may be a bigger secret (an embarassing or taboo sexual encounter)? Maybe there were many men and she doesn't know?

Perhaps if you spoke to other family members, her sisters/brothers? You might find out more.

I am sorry to hear of your predicament and I do wish you the best.

[maggie01]

I think it is sad for whatever reason you cannot get the answers you are looking for. If you mum is the only one who can tell you or at least shed some light on your father then it's a bit selfish not to do so. If and when she passes away, you will always be left wondering. This subject is a bit close to a member in my own family. Hope you find some answers.

[Solarjunkie]

Perhaps as it is such a personal thing to explain, she might consider writing a letter to you, giving the information you seek? Not having you there while she puts her thoughts down might help.

If she could imagine what it would be like to have no information about her own roots, her own father, she may start to feel more sympathetic to you.

Good luck.

[stanleyman]

I am assuming your mother was not married to your father. People of your mothers era viewed living in sin or having a child out of wedlock completely differently to todays generations. It was considered highly shameful and people would go to extreme lengths to hide it and never talked about such things. This is probably why she still can't to tell you anything.

My cousin only found out after her mothers death that her parents were married two years before she died at 82! I had my suspicions after my cousins wedding in the sixties, I made an innocent remark about marriage to her mother and had my head bitten off.

It is not going to be easy to get her to open up, you can only try to convince her that attitudes have changed and that whatever she is hiding is nothing to be ashamed of.

If that doesn't work you might consider a bit of trickery, "I've found who he is from the internet mum, it doesn't matter what happened but why didn't you tell me"?