Know any good jokes?

[122345]

I have just realised I have accidently written a 250 word essay with the caps lock on when it should have been off so I have had to do it all again. Does anyone know any good jokes to cheer me up?I didn't know which category to put this question into.

[mightyWBA]

A magician worked on a cruise ship.The audience was different every week,so he did the same tricks over and over again.There was only one problem,the captains Parrott.Eventually he learnt how he did his tricks,and started shouting out during the act."Look,it's not the same hat!" "He's hiding it under the table!","All the cards are the ace of spades!"He'd shout.The magician was furious but powerless,it was the captains Parrott after all.

Then one stormy night in the Pacific the ship sank.The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood with ,you've guessed it,the parrott! For 4 days they stared at each other without saying a word,until finally the parrott cracked."OK I give up.....Where's the ******* Ship!"

[rosyrussell]

Don't know many jokes, but in a Word document you can convert capitals to lower case - highlight text, click on format then click on change case and you can select lower case for what you have selected.

[smudge]

This thread will be classed as Chat & will be banned tomorrow morning, but to cheer you up, here goes:

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"F*** off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse s**t all over her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse s**t from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a f*****g good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

(Copied/Pasted that from an email rec'd with many others this morning - aterisks are only frig & frigging though - I can feel a ban coming on)!

[allotment10]

just loved that joke.

[lankeela]

A St.Bernard went into a pub, put his feet on the bar and said I'll have a pint of ......................lager'

The barman said, here's your pint, but why the big pause?

[nickmo]

Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an huge truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads, yelling "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door again.

The next day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again and there is the same little Chinese man shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are 2 very large trucks full of car parts.

Now, Nelson loses his temper completely. He picks him up and yells: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

"You not Nissan Main Dealer?

[smudge]

The Moral of the story is....

A young man called Peter invited his mother round for dinner. During the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's
flat mate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts Peter volunteered "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Simon and I are just flatmates.

About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying "Ever since your mother came to dinner I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you? "Well I doubt it, but I will email her to be sure" said Peter. So he sat and wrote the following email:

DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER


Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,


I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU
DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN
HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.


LOVE MUM

[smudge]

Nissan, ha, ha!

Apologies for the text in that story, but I quickly copied & pasted it & rushed downstairs to put the kettle on for me Horlicks!

[Lonnie]

A husband and wife in their car on the M1, husband has the wheel, when his wife tuns to him and says I have something to tell you, i'm having an affair.

Husband says nothing, just narrows his eyes, purses his lips, and pushes the accelerator down a bit further.

Wife says, its someone you know.

Husband pushes the accelerator down a bit more.

Wife says, it John, your best friend.

Husband still says nothing,

Wife says, have you got anything at all to say?.

Husband now pushes accelerator down to the boards, turns the wheel so the car is heading for a concrete bollard, and through gritted teeth says.

I've got the airbag.

Its the way you tell'em.

[curiosity]

A woman walks up to the bar and asks for a "double entendre please" ...
The bar man replies "sit there and I'll give you one later"


Two blondes walked into a bar ...
Well,
You'd think one of them would have seen it!

[sddsddean]

A mate of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled under by a strong currant.

[lankeela]

With the obvious interest maybe there should be a 'jokes' category on AB?

[sire]

I'm not very good with jokes. My brother is the one. He's a genetic scientist & recently crossed an elephant with a prostitute. The result was a two ton raver who did it for peanuts & never forgot

[emmapayne27]

Try bore me .com / or kill some time there are loads of jokes and funny video's, if you do, watch the "laughing interview" it is superb

[Stevee]

Don't know any good jokes, but I can tell you how to cure it if you doi again.

Copy your essay into an excel spreadsheet, then use a function called PROPER this will present the text in a proper format you can then copy it back to word.

[sunflower68]

Dog walks into a bar and asks for a pint. The barman is amazed. He says "you should be in the circus. A talking dog, that's amazing"

The dogs says " I can't spare the time mate, I'm a plumber."

[waimarie]

This white horse walks into a bar and says "I'll have a pint of your best ale thank you landlord".

Of course the landlord is astonished and replies. "That's amazing, not only can you talk but did you know we have a whisky named after you?"

"What, Eric?", says the horse.

[BigMac]

In Word, highlight the text, go to format, choose Change case and then choose Sentence Format. Much quicker than retyping, which is a joke.

[peterd]

Just heard on the radio that a dyslexic alcoholic has choked on his own vimto.

And his mate a dyslexic pimp has just bought a warehouse.

[chazza]

Highlight it all and hold down shift and hit F3