Mates Re-Union

[jibjab]

I have a problem on my hands and i know most of you will tell me to grow some balls but here goes -

My GF and i have been together 2 years since I left Uni, the thing is, I havent seen most of my old uni mates for 2 years now, I am always invited to things but end up ducking out due to my GF, she seems to not trust me going out without her, and come to think of it we hardly EVER do anything seperately...

I even said to her, what If i go down to see them and we DONT go out, just have a barberque??? she said she wasnt happy about it.

Its getting to the point that i am invited to things and i just say no without even talkking to her because i know what she will say...

she has been cheated on before now, but surely that doesnt mean we cant do things seperatley?????

[Drusilla1S]

jibjab you cannot go on like this. Her behaviour is not indicative of love, but fear and low self esteem on her part. If your relationship is ever going to survive long term, she has got to accept that you have friends of your own and are entitled to see them.

I would suggest you go to the event alone and rekindle these friendships. If she cannot accept that, then you have to finish the relationship before you become a completely isolated individual that old friends don't even bother to call.

I do understand her fears, especially if she has been hurt before, but the problem is undoubtedly hers and needs to be accepted and then dealt with, using a counsellor, if necessary.

I believe the best way to help her is for you to be strong, renew contact with your friends and show her by your actions when absent from her, that not all men betray their partners just because the opportunity may present itself.

[jno]

Yes, even close couples usually do some things separately. Perhaps you could just say you're going, and go. Don't be too confrontational about it, but explain that it's important to you. Then it's up to her what she does next. She may decide she can't take it, and break it off; but she may also come to acknowledge it wasn't the end of the world having you out of her sight for a while.

[whiskeysheri]

Hi jibjab. My ex boyfriend had very low self esteem and we had a relationship very similar to yours. I would often get asked out by my friends but would always say no, because of the earache I knew I'd get.

In the end I got really sick of it. It was so draining. So the next time I was invited out, I told him I was going no matter what, that I loved him and I promised he could trust me. I got as much hassle from him about it as I was expecting but I still went. He soon came to realise that it wasn't the end of the world and that he could trust me. I also encouraged him to go out at the same time with friends of his own so that he wasn't sat in dwelling on what I was up to.

You should really go with your friends, jibjab. You'll always need them and you might regret it later on. x

[ludwig]

Only 3 possible outcomes to this

1) She changes her attitude

2) You live the whole rest of your life never doing anything or seeing anyone without first asking your girlfriends permission, and then being told no.

3) You split up

I'd try for option 1, and if unsucessful go straight to number 3. 2's not worth considering.

[jno]

nonetheless, gradual change is possible. Unless you really want to get out of the relationship, try not to make a war of it. If she's been hurt before, she'll need to be treated with some patience; but that doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. Good luck.

[lankeela]

Ditch the bitch

[waimarie]

Check the bus and train tables and get the first one out. This relationship ain't going nowhere and not likely to get any better. Can you visualise yourself five, ten or more years ahead ? If I were in your position it would look a pretty miserable time. Do yourself a favour.

[kaz20]

Life can't be much fun for you living like this - and you have to wonder whether your girlfriend can be that happy living like it too? Sounds like shes paranoid, scared etc. (ok maybe for obvious reasons) and theres only one way of making her less like it.... proving that theres nothing to worry about... She may have to learn the hard way but it'll benefit her in the end. At the end of the day no matter how much you love her you are your own person and you don't want her to think that she rules you - it'll only get worse!