should I stay or go?

[BUNNY]

I have had a rather rocky 18 month relationship. My boyfriend was the most affectionate, loving person I had ever met. The click was instantaneous, I the more I got to know him the better it got. Then he ended things for no reason. I went on mad benders with his mates but then a month later came back. The cycle was repeated. Several times. Often before he would leave for good, Id find him letting me down. Going out drinking rather than meeting me. Being to hungover to do what we'd planned. He admitted 6 weeks ago that he is an alcoholic and is seeking help from AA. However, despite our previous closeness when he wasnt drinking, he is now shutting me out. He talks to me at least once a week and calls in for chats, but now says he doesnt love me and doesnt want my help. I dont know if this is tied up with his alcoholism.Do I accept this and finally walk?

[smudge]

Walk!

[Moog]

That's a really helpful answer smudge for someone who is clearly facing a tough decision - well done.

Beating drinking is a very difficult time when people need all the support they can get, but at the same time only one person can make it happen and I believe it's easy to shut one's self off assuming that the people who are trying to help you have no idea what you're going through. It seems to me that he may be associating you with his previous drinking self, remember that while he was drinking you were a part of his life and now he's trying to move on you're a part of the life he's trying to leave behind. This might be the right thing for him to do. I would attempt to have a conversation with him along those lines.

[smudge]

Apologies for my one word reply BUNNY & Moog, it wasn't intended to offend & I usually try to help where I can. However BUNNY, you asked if you should accept the situation & 'finally' walk. From that it appeared that your relationship was at the end of the line. Also a very good friend of mine's husband had the same problems as your boyfriend. Their marriage was fine for a few years, but then he took to drinking & things got progressively worse. He was diagnosed an alchohlic & no matter how much my friend stood by him & tried to help him, eventually a breakup became inevitable. They eventually divorced & this was best for everyone all round, especially her long suffering children. I hope this clarifies my initial response. Good luck to you both.

[smudge]

*alcoholic!

[smudge]

Am I forgiven Moog?

[Lindy Loo]

Hello Bunny. Do you know why he started drinking? Maybe if that problem(s) were dealt with then maybe the drinking would calm down on its own. Having said that though, my ex partner was an alcholic and despite standing by him for 4 years it never got any better, so I left. What helped me make the decision was we had one son of 14months and I was 7months pregnant with the second and I just couldn't cope any more. Even after the split he continued drinking and never accepted that it was only reason we parted. He never did stop and died August 2003 from alcohol related illness aged just 56, without ever seeing his sons grow up. Purely from experience, be a friend but get on with your own life. Don't wait for him to change...he may never do.

[Lindy Loo]

PS. To all those who may read this. Apologies in advance for the bluntness, but life is too short for the 'It might get better one day'. Unfortunately alcohol ruin lives.

[smudge]

Hi lindy loo, sorry to hear about your ex & your childrens father. My friend experienced all that you have been through with her husband, so you can see why they ended up getting divorced. It was very sad that it came to that, but she & her children are so much happier now. Her ex is still drinking to excess & is in & out of rehab. To me that is not the sort of environment any wife/husband/children should have to live in.

[smudge]

P.S. Your reply wasn't at all blunt, you've merely explained how it was for you & as you say,'it ruins lives'.

[secretspirit]

I was just going to say what Moog said, he probably associates you with the time in his life that he was drinking and therefore wants to distance from you so the desire for alcohol isn't quite so strong. Also I think in AA or similar programmes they recommend you don't have a romantic relationship for a year after giving up alcohol but I doubt he wants a big row or confrontation because the stress might push him to drink again.

[smudge]

Hope some of the replies have helped you with the situation you are in BUNNY. Chin up girl.

[BUNNY]

Thank for all your replies even the one word one Smudge!I appreciate the advice alot.it just seems really sad that after sticking in there for so long, hoping he would sort his problems out that I wont get to enjoy time with him if or when he beats this.Going to bars was never a big part of our relationship and its not something Im mad about.I would have been more than happy to spend time doing other things with him.I suppose I was really hoping that him saying he didnt love me was some kind of denial thing associated with recovery.I tell you, life is a learning curve and sometimes its steeper than others!!Thanks again everyone.

[smudge]

That's okay BUNNY, look to the future & the silver lining, it's out there waiting for you!

[penshk]

You can only help someone who will help them-selves. You have ask for help from us strangers, leave him, life is way to short. Don't walk, run run run. I will not offer any opologies for my advice. But I will wish you all the luck in the world.

[SassieLee]

Its really hard to leave someone you love especially when it seems they need you most. I can't tell you what to do only offer my suggestion, being in a somewhat similar situation. You are going to make your own choice no matter what anyone says. I would just let him know you are there for him if he does need you. More or less he will seek you out. I know it hurts when the one you love is hurting and trying to overcome it on their own. It makes you feel like nothing, you are the one they were supposed to ask for help right? The one i am in love with doesn't even call or talk to me but i still see him in passing and can see in his eyes that he'll be back. Did you ever think about he may be pushing you away cause he doesn't want to put you through it...and then when he's worked through his problem like i said before he'll seek you out. Remember no matter what anyone says it's your decision..

[BUNNY]

Thanx SassieLee.A friend at Al-anon said partners can be pushed away for fear of burdening them.We need to learn patience but also detatchment.Your answer helped alot.

[SassieLee]

I'm glad i helped:) It's hard when you love someone....i just have tp learn to follow my own advice....good luck and keep me posted