Moving in together

[becks]

I'm moving in with my boyfriend next month - what are we likely to argue about? Am not naive enough to think that we shall live in perfect bliss - what did your partner do that drove you crazy when you first moved in together?

[georgit79]

Haven't had the good/misfortune to live with a partner yet, as I haven't been able to hang on to one for long enough...boohoo. Sorry, not very helpful though!

[cardboard]

I think the most important thing you can do is make sure you still spend time with people outside the relationship. Its important that you maintain other friendships, and I would recommend going out with them (seperatly) at least once a fortnight. If you spend too much time together too soon, the relationship will go stale quickly

[hargreaves]

This is a big step Becks how about you give yourself a mental trial period, say to yourself, if I'm still happy after 3 months then I'll stick with it. If not then get your badself off out round Guildford, and find yourself another man. Good luck

[Miss Zippy]

Totally agree with Cardboard, maintaining your friendships and seeing your friends alone is so important.  Also, it's easy to get bogged down in domestic drudgery so make sure you always make quality time for each other. Make sure you do all the  domestic chores equally (unless, of course, you decide that one should do more than the other for various reasons), otherwise you might start to resent your boyfriend in a few months' time if you've basically turned into a substitute mum doing everything for him. Last but not least - finances.  Hopefully you know him well enough to know that you have the same attitude to money and know that he won't be spending his half of the mortgage/rent/bills down the pub each week! Open a joint account and each of you pay enough into that account each month to cover all your bills (and a bit extra as a contingency) and keep your own money separate.

[FP]

Actually  hargreaves, although I can understand why you say what you do, I don't think that is the right attitude. 

I''ve been married for 30 plus years and the first three months were the worse!  We both found it so difficult to adjust to each others annoying habits - the ones you don't know about until you live under the same roof.  However, things got better as we adjusted to each other.    I'm glad we did.  All those years ago, it wasn't considered the done thing to 'live with' your partner.  I think it's great that we think so much more liberally now, but there's a tendendy to forget that living together and making a go of things does not come easily, and people tend to get out a the first hurdle.

 

You could end up with a vast series of live-in relationships if you gave yourself three month trials!

[Tinker]

We didn't argue at all when we moved in together, but things got stale after a few months and we were staying in every night watching tv and eating big meals. Consequently, i got fat and then realised what was happening and started to go out and see my friends more and he just stayed in.......we drifted apart and now we're not going out with each other anymore, but we still live together as best mates (awwww). Tip: the main problems we encountered were around washing up and tidying and 'who bought the milk last'. Oh and bin bags. Good Luck Becks, I'm sure you'll be fine!!!

[mully]

ive been living with my partner now for seven years and the only really big arguments we have is over housework, making the tea,washing etc but ive learned to give and take and if you both share the responsabilities i think you may be ok also agree with the other answers that you also need to lead your own lives as you can slip into a rut if you both do the same thing each night and stay in together too much but its nice now again to have a cosy night in together.

good luck x   

[tartanwiz]

Housework.

[mully]

oh by the way the only other thing that used to drive me mad and still does is my partners bodily functions thinks its ok to let one rip under the duvet ,in my face he finds this amusing where as I do NOT

and have to give him a smack in the face !!!

[zgma]

I totally agree with Fakeplastic about the attitude you go in with.  It makes a huge difference to go into something like this thinking "I'm going to make it through the rough spots and make it work" - especially as you love him enough to move in with him, and you know beforehand that there will be rough spots.

 

 

I would say that one of the most important things would be to make sure that you each have your own space, even if it's just a corner of a room that the other person can't touch, that you get to have control over.  That way, if you argue over control issues, you have an area that you don't have to compromise over.

 

 

Make sure you deal with conflicts when they come up... the worst thing is to come home to someone who is stewing about something that you don't even know you did wrong, or to feel that way about someone else.

 

 

Try lots of different systems to make sure the housework feels evenly divided.  In our house we've tried: assigning different tasks to different people for several months, or having tasks rotate according to a schedule... and like the former much better.

 

 

Make sure you set aside specific time each week to hang out together as a "date", even though you'll see each other all the time now, to keep the romance and remind you that there's more in the relationship than just the daily who-put-what-in-the-wrong-place and would-you-do-the-dishes-this-time.

(continued below)

[zgma]

Also - are you moving in to HIS house, or are you moving in together to a new place?  If you're moving in to his house, be aware that he's probably in the habit of thinking of it as his house, and any decorating changes you want to make may not go over well.  You should talk about that as a couple.





In fact - it's not a bad idea to sit down with him and go through all these things that may become issues, and talk about where you each are with them - what's your cleanliness and tidiness level, what's your decorating style, etc - just so the things that may be issues are out in the open to begin with.

[hannahx200]

Hi

I moved in with my guy, just  the two of us we are both young, i am 19 he's 22.

It's the little things that will annoy u. not anything big. Just minor differences and annoyances u never noticed before.

Like leaving the cap of the toothpaste, pulling the duvet while you sleep, not washing up take aways until they smell!

Also men are very messy when it comes to toliets - this also follows from take aways!

But just relax enjoy it and it'll be bliss!

 

[secretspirit]

I found it really tough when I first moved in with my other half. The main thing was that I felt like I was doing all the housework (it was his flat and let's say our standards were somewhat different!).

 

Also things like adjusting to 2 people living there instead of 1 and trying to find space for all your stuff is hard. Another thing I found difficult was that I had moved straight in from my parents' house and was used to leaving all the lights on and thinking petrol was free, which drove him mad as he was the one paying the bills and a lot more budget conscious.

 

In the end it takes compromise on both sides but if I'd walked out all the times I thought about it we'd have lasted about 6 days instead of 6 years! We may be a bit odd though because I moved in with him after we'd only been seeing eachother 2 months but it's all worked out well.

 

Best of luck!

[zgma]

Ah yes, the difference in cleanliness levels.  For the first few years we had strong differences here - the level of filth that would drive me nuts just didn't bother him.  And of course, that meant that I thought it needed to be cleaned long before he did, and so I ended up either doing it or nagging him to do it.  Talking ahead of time about that, and just realizing that it's probably not one person being lazy (just having different standards) would be very helpful.

 

By the way, our standards have gotten much closer now than when we first were living together, so those things tend to cease being issues.

 

Same thing with clutter levels.  I used to be the one constantly annoyed by his clutter tendencies; now it's more frequent that he's chiding me about being cluttered.

 

I think the best advice is just to remember that you both have the best of intentions and treat each other accordingly, and to make sure everything that could be annoying gets properly talked out.

[FP]

What you say about standards zgma is so true.  I used to get so upset about my husbands clutter.  If you could see the room we call our study (joke) and where I sit typing this, you would know that I have got just as bad as him.

[zgma]

Yeah, my standards have gone down and his have gone up!  Actually it's only recently that he uses the word "clutter" - our code used to be "different decorating style"!

[Hayhoe]

leaving wet towels on the bed, deep frying tesco value sausages, abusing the neighbours. oh and coming home trashed and ******* in the linen basket 

never again

[smudge]

I totally agree with Fakeplastic & zgma. We have been married 40 years & in nutshell, I'd just like add that mariiage is all about caring & sharing. We've always agreed that we don't 'own' eachother & should be free to carry on with our hobbies etc.

 

The bad habits thing is another story - my husband used to put all his work shirts in the laundry basket with all the buttons done up! This used to infuriate me, until one day, when I thought how I would feel if his shirts were no longer i there to wash.