Impending death – Is honesty always the best policy?

[naomi24]

At one time we hid the truth from the terminally ill, but now it’s common practice for doctors to tell them they’re going to die. Some accept it, but some live their last weeks and months in fear and hopelessness – and that’s very sad to witness. Families know their loved ones better than anyone, and are more likely to know how they will react to the bad news, so should they be consulted before the decision is taken by professionals to tell the patient the truth?

[mrs.chappie]

I'd want to know. Emotionally it would be hard to deal with, but I'd want to put things in order in a practical way, before shuffling off this mortal coil.

[Prudie]

"Are your family supposed to pretend everything is ok?"
Ideally yes Mick, I'm the worst for sticking my head in the sand. I couldn't deal with it. Certainly not to 'put my house in order' or say goodbyes. I'm not brave.

[Euphemia]

I think anyone who is terminally ill would know the score. Better to be told than left guessing.

[mrs.chappie]

I hate the thought of someone else having to sort out my rubbish. The loft is full of it.

[woofgang]

As has been said, there is nothing to stop patients firmly changing the subject or telling medical staff to discuss such things with relatives or with a named relative. I became my husbands "PA" for many matters relating to his illness. He gave all the medical staff permission to discuss anything with me and to relay his wishes. This allowed him to ignore the situation for long stretches of time and eased his passing at the end.

[woofgang]

Prudie you don't have to say goodbyes or put your house in order...."knowing" gives you the opportunity to do what YOU want and live how you want while you have the chance.

[woofgang]

On a much lighter note, my beloved Mum was a real pack rat and had a room full of craft materials. We used to tell her we would put a match to the lot and she threatened to draw out her savings and hide it in the boxes to make us go through it and sort it properly.

[jomifl]

I think the professionals should be professional and not offload the responsibility onto relatives.

[emmie]

what if it's a child, how do you tell them ? one case recently highlighted the families plight, and they chose not to tell their child that he or she wouldn't reach their next birthday.

[Sqad]

\\\\ and they chose not to tell their child that he or she wouldn't reach their next birthday.\\\

That seems to me a sensible option.

[mike11111]

I suppose it all depends upon your point of view. If I were told that I was to die within a short period of time by some grim atheist , also that there was no hope of redemption in the afterlife, I might be a tad frightened. If I were given that news from another source, comforting me that I was merely embarking on the next stage in the great adventure of creation, I might be more placid and calm.

[Baldric]

I would want to know, I'm ex services so am familiar with 'putting my house in order' my OH has worked in the NHS for nearly 40 years and it's something we have talked about. I have no religous beliefs that would complicate things so would want to be treated honestly by those in charge so I (hopefully) could deal with it.

[Sqad]

mike

\\\ was merely embarking on the next stage in the great adventure of creation, I might be more placid and calm.\\\\

Yeah! right.

[LoftyLottie]

Actually, if I thought there was going to be an afterlife I would fear death more (seriously) The thought of nothingness would be more comforting. I don't fear that in any way - how could? The process of dying is more fearful that death as far as I am concerned. I wouldn't mind being told I was going to die if it was imminent, but not if it was going to be a long drawn out process. I wouldn't want to spend the last months or years of my life with that hanging over me. I'm an ostrich!!

[woofgang]

In the case of children, different policies apply and the views of the parents are closely consulted as you would expect. However children are not stupid and see and understand things in their hospital stays. While they might be unaware of how short their time is, they will meet other children who also aren't getting better and will talk to each other as children do.
Lottie, my experience is that if months or years are expected, the conversation stays about diagnosis and treatment, not prognosis. Hopefully the old saw of "the doc has given me a year/six months yadda yadda" is no longer used.

[woofgang]

mike either way its horrible painful sh1te

[emmie]

so it is.

[islasmum]

I would definitely want to know if i didn't have very long left; even if my family were told, I don't believe that any of them would try to hide the truth from me - I firmly believe that there is an afterlife, which comforts me.

[naomi24]

This isn’t about what anyone here would want for themselves. It’s about people who would rather not know, but nevertheless have that unwanted information foisted upon them, uninvited, by medical teams who have no idea of the patient’s thoughts and don’t attempt to consult the family to ascertain the patient’s feelings but, for whatever reason, bluster ahead regardless convinced they are doing the right thing. I’ve seen people who, despite their pain and suffering, have maintained hope – and contentment – and a smile - until they have been reduced to mere shells by the devastation and utter hopelessness such information has produced. Humanity and compassion and kindness isn’t patronising – and withholding the truth is not lying - but forcing a terminally ill person to confront a final reality that he doesn’t want to confront and has no need to confront, resulting in him spending his last days and weeks and months in misery and fear, is cruel. The professionals don’t always know best – even though they think they do.

[starone]

I don't think I want to know but I will also fight to my last breath because I like living. I find it very interesting.