No Show Dads

[sacha.86]

I don't want to turn into one of them people who start to war with their ex partners over letting the kids down. Can anyone one explain the psychology of why fathers let down their kids?

[Peter Pedant]

because they value the displaced activity as more important than the kids.

I am not sure if this is a long term big deal as being let down by parents - some small and some large (no not the parents) is part of growing up and is going on all over the country as we Speak !

[Maydup]

Some fathers get distracted by other things; work, hobbies, new girlfriend. Others struggle to spend all day with the kids and although they might not want to lose the connection, don't actually know how to fill the time and chicken out. Others are simply unreliable.

I see loads of Dads in town with the children on Saturdays and wonder how many are on "kids duty" and how many are just trailing round longing for something more interesting to do.

[anneasquith]

just not commited enough to make an effort .fail to understand the importance of the trauma it may cause the child.

[ummmm]

Selfish.

[sacha.86]

Thanks people. I'll have a think about your answers

[joko]

some never wanted the child in the first place, but it happened and perhaps they just don't feel as paternal as other dads.
maybe they feel they were trapped or tricked by the mother and whole thing is just subconsciously negative for them.

[ummmm]

I would say they are few and far between.

[Snafu03]

there are plenty of reminders in everyday life of the lack of importance and value given to the males role within the family unit; advertising on TV whereby the man is always portray as clueless and almost a spare part in a domestic/childcare environment. Also TV series and movies like to play up to this sterotype too.

Clearly it is beneficial to womankind to issue constant reminders of men lacking in this department; especially in the case of two parents that are no longer togther, the father often becomes a target of animosity, fairly or unfairly. Beleive me, I have witnessed many a mother slate a fathers performance as a parent in front of the kids.

These constant psychological rebuffs manifest themselves in the male parent as a feeling of unimportance as a parent and lack of confidence to carry out the role to a suitable level. No show is a product of this.

Alot is being done to ensure a level playing field in the boardroom - will this ever be the case in the home environment?

[Peter Pedant]

o come on snafu - there are plenty of examples of the lack of importance given to basic things - as I read your post I was reminded about the viddy of the woman with the pram pulling it past Trooper Rigby
She had after all, much much better things to do...

[ When I fell over someone pulled a pram over me,
nothing broken or damaged
in the pram I mean.....]

[AlwaysConfused]

Maybe the thought of having ones children for a few hours only is so heart breaking to some dads so they would rather not see them at all?

[ummmm]

I deleted a long winded answer to this.

Triggs is right....pure and utter selfishness.

[Snafu03]

there are plenty of members in the 'fathers for justice' movement that may also agree with the lack of parity regarding the treatment of men within the family unit. Getting away from the point of 'no show dads' I know, but to demonstrate my argument.

[sacha.86]

Thanks to one of your comment, I decided to make it so easy on him that he couldn't fail. I stopped concentrating on what he was doing wrong and started concentrating on what I was doing wrong. I am the sole career of my son, without support, and so was relying on my sons father to be there so I could have a few hours to myself. Although I should be entitled to a few hours to myself - it was that reliance which was causing me to put pressure on him, which was intern making him feel inadequate and causing him to shirk his parental responsibilities. I also had a fear of my son being let down which made me try to control the situation which was causing the very thing I didn't want to happen, to happen. A sort of self fulfilling prophecy born of fear. I have since told him he can visit his son whenever he can. Although I'm a bit disappointed that there's no routine to it, how much routine was there going to be if he carried on messing about and not turning up? I can't plan time to myself but at least my son hasn't got to see hate and animosity between his parents.
It was me who either saw his father fit enough to be a father at the time, chose to have a child with him or didn't think about his suitability as a father which again was bad parenting skills on my part.
Peace and love people. We live and we learn.

[sacha.86]

Thanks to a couple of comments here I decided to stop concentrating on what he was doing wrong and started concentrating on what I was doing wrong. I am the sole career of my son, without support, and so was relying on my sons father to be there so I could have a few hours to myself. Although I should be entitled to a few hours to myself - it was that reliance which was causing me to put pressure on him, which was intern making him feel inadequate and causing him to shirk his parental responsibilities. I also had a fear of my son being let down which made me try to control the situation which was causing the very thing I didn't want to happen, to happen. A sort of self fulfilling prophecy born of fear. I have since told him he can visit his son whenever he can. Although I'm a bit disappointed that there's no routine to it, how much routine was there going to be if he carried on messing about and not turning up? I can't plan time to myself but at least my son hasn't got to see hate and animosity between his parents. His father has now also started to phone in advance when he isn't going to show. Which takes a lot of the stress away.
It was me who either saw his father fit enough to be a father at the time, chose to have a child with him or didn't think about his suitability as a father which again was bad parenting skills on my part.
Peace and love people. We live and we learn.

[emmie]

sorry to say but men can be quite selfish, even when it comes to their children, they may have new partners and would probably be concentrating on that, and we have the unenviable title of more single mothers than ever and that isn't good for the children. they are often torn between the two, and will often love the father no matter how cold and offhand they are.

[emmie]

i wouldn't blame myself if i were you, you are the principle carer for your son, you have to make it count, which is something i am sure you do. Dads lose so much if they split from the partner and don't keep in contact with the children - programmes like the ones Long Lost family is often testament to that. Some men, like my father was a bully, tyrant and wasn't missed by any of us, but his lasting legacy has been severe on us all.

[pixie373]

I think they become accustomed to not seeing so much of the child and build lives without them. It then seems stranger when they are with the child than without them. It's just a lack of thought, effort and complete selfishness. You may not be happy with the lack of routine- but i doubt it's helpful for the child either. They need to know what's happening. I would arrange something regular that you can all stick to, before the father completely drifts off.

[ummmm]

That's not bad parenting. You can never know what a parent will be like until you have the child.

[Cloverjo]

Sacha, I was in a similar situation to you when my son was young. When his dad and I split up I prided myself on the way we got on for the benefit of our son, and perhaps let him off the hook when he was unreliable. There were many no shows, and it still upsets me to think of my son sitting eagerly on the stairs waiting for him to turn up one time.
He wasn't a bad person, just a crap dad, not having had good role models himself.
Eventually, I got fed up with it and stopped making things easy for him. He didn't bother to see our son for years. I still don't understand how a loving parent can do that.
Anyway, I'm glad things seem to be working out for you and your son, even if you're the one that has to make all the sacrifices.
Basically, in my-long winded way, I'm saying some men are just unthinking, lazy and selfish.