My Wife And I Dont Really Enjoy Babysitting The Grandchildren For Any Length Of Time.

[dave50]

Are we bad people? We do it out of a sense of duty more than anything. Nobody knows how we feel and we never ever give that impression in front of the children. Does anyone else in that position feel the same way? We feel we have done our bit bringing the children up now its our turn to enjoy ourselves when we want and not have to work around this. We always said we would not get into a set baby sitting routine but we have been manipulated into it with the usual guilt trip. The fact we are still working and not yet retired makes it worse. Thoughts please.

[bednobs]

as a person with a 9 month old and seven month old I would never "expect" my parents to babysit. They do it on occasion, and have the 7 year old overnight sometimes. I have never left the 9 month old with them, not because I don't want to, but because it seems rather unfair. I am knackered all the time, and they are 30 years older than me, so assume they would also be. Also, we live over an hour away from each other. I am not one of those people who would assume everyone else would find my baby cute and wants to deal with them, even if they said so. They like to see the grandchildren, but in our company. My children don't have accessible grandparents on my husband's side

[ichkeria]

In many countries the grandparents live with the parents and are, effectively, an extra set of patents.
Horses for courses and cultures indeed.

[ichkeria]

Parents lol

[ummmm]

No...just how important the input from grandparents can be.

I rarely asked my parents to babysit. They used to babysit for prearranged things like weddings etc... If they had the children it was by their choice.

They were both working full time when mine were little so I would find it a bit selfish of me to expect them to give up their free time.

Sqad - in no way am I judging your upbringing, my MIL brought up her 4 grandkids.

[NellieMay]

Sqad. Agreed. Very boring. They've even brought their grandchildren along when we have met for coffee and a chat!

[woofgang]

I absolutely get it. I have no kids and therefore no grandkids but I don't actually like children all that much. I think its time to sit down and tell your kids, that much as you love the grandkids, its getting a bit much and you want to end the routine. I think however you phrase it, they are likely to be hurt and upset...and probably annoyed! After all they have been getting a reliable free service from you! If they say hurtful things, don't be drawn into an argument about it, as far as possible have the rest of your contact. with them happen as usual and BE FIRM. If you have brought them up properly as I am sure you have, they will get over it.

[New Judge]

I have a pal who has a serious problem with this. He has two children and four grandchildren (aged between 0 and 7). Since the first was born his wife has been suffering from second motherhood. She gave up work (a job she loved) to undertake childcare duties. Her whole life now revolves around the grandchildren. Before the first was born my pal and she had begun to develop “retirement” interests. They bought a property in Spain (where I believed they planned to spend at least half the year when they had both finished work). They explored different areas of interest to take up during retirement. The property has now been sold; the interests have been ditched; they spend little time together because she is always “on duty” for one or other of the children. They no longer socialise unless it involves the grandchildren. It is placing a serious strain on their 35 year long marriage.

Theirs is an extreme case. But all over the place you see and hear of people who should be enjoying their years together, their children having flown the nest. Instead they can be seen traipsing round places of interest with two or three kids in tow, dearly wishing they could have a bit of time to themselves to do what they want at the pace they want. They’d love to be able to have lunch in a nice pub or tea room instead of MacDonalds. It’s all very sad.

[woofgang]

They can NJ, They just have to speak up! I agree much harder when one of the couple want to do the childcare thing and the other one doesn't

[New Judge]

That's the problem, woofy. Grandma-ma is absolutely obsessed whilst grandpa-pa just wants to enjoy what they'd planned to do whilst they can still do it. They could accommodate both, but Grannie won't have it.

I have to say (from what I've heard) this is no fault of the two children and their spouses. There has been no pressure from them to do anything in particular. I've suggested to my mate he has a quiet word with his children to see of they can encourage Mummy to spend a bit more time with Daddy.

[Arrods]

NJ. Friends of ours, not long retired, are going through a divorce, primarily because one party spent 3 - 5 days a week babysitting.

[KARL]

There is considerable pressure to have children and women feel this more than men do. Consequently, it is entirely logical for those women who have passed on the "culture" (via pressure in that direction) of having children would/should feel they need to be faithful to that culture - refusing to deal with the consequences would to them be like betraying the religion.

I know a couple who have four children and a fair sized cohort of grandchildren. The youngest of these is a woman who about ten years ago when still living with her parents she was 30ish and single was obviously feeling pressure to become a mother. She got married and had a boy and then divorced and returned to her parents. The parents have always had a very large part in looking after the grandchildren plus they have to a large extent looked after this daughter of theirs. Both parents worked until they were close to 70 years old and now they are still often looking after this last child and still housing their daughter now 40ish, university educated and in full time work (at last - too long a story). I think the whole thing is absurd, but it is of our friends' own making. Does this make me a bad person ?

[jackthehat]

Cheer up, dave....

At least you are consistent:
https://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Family/Question1570313.html

[Peter Pedant]

// This will not be a popular post on AB.//
my brudder is a paed and cant stop baby-sitting which is kinda lucky. He likes children.
( a bit like that Fransh leddy, the more I see of men, the better I like dogs) but for him, kids

My mudda used to take HIS kids and they were treated as in a nursery in the British Raj 1910.
they survived. they knew when they went to Garbuz, they would go back in time to before the Railway Children.

[Jordyboy9]

I was once accused of thinking more of my dog than I did of my grandchildren we have 6,
I answered, SO

[Peter Pedant]

// through a divorce, primarily because one party spent 3 - 5 days a week babysitting. - //

for chrissakes, babysitting is not a grounds for divorce even under the new law.

my cousin - we are all about 120 - mother died in childbirth and the father walked out .... so the grandparents knuckled down and brought up the child. quite rightly doing anything to keep the child out of an orphanage

[Arrods]

I know PP. The full story was that one party got fed up with the constant babysitting (genuinely hoping for better things for both in their retirement) and so went off and found a younger model (which I believe is a ground for divorce).

[david small]

Lay easy dave50. You’ve both done your bit, their turn now. We raised four kids that was enough. They were clear from the start NO babysitting unless special circumstances. They just manage as did we. In thirty years raising our brood we never once had a baby sitter, and I had seven siblings. So enjoy your now, guilt free.

[hereIam]

Ha! I answered similarly on that other thread too !!

[Ken4155]

You don't say whether or not your parents, or your wife's, did any babysitting your kids back in the day, Dave.

[New Judge]

"...for chrissakes, babysitting is not a grounds for divorce even under the new law."

"Babysitting" is not the right term, Peter (at least, not in my mate's case). His wife is devoting virtually all her waking hours to her grandchildren. She's out at eight most mornings and often not back until eight in the evening. If she's not required to be with one of them she invents a reason. She is a full time child minder for one of them. Her only topic of conversation is "the kids". She's an intelligent lady who used to hold down a very responsible job. But she seems to have gone crackers.