Private Eye Crossword 792 Help
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New Religion ?
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I am thinking of starting a new religion.
Now, I know its been done before....Mary Baker Eddy, Ron Hubbard, Charles Taze Russell, Joseph Smith, etc, but there seems to be good financial reasons for doing it. And there are lots of atheists out there that need hoovering up !
What elements do you think would be needed for this new venture to be a success ?
Don't forget that almost anything can be included, judging from past attempts at doing this, so let your imagination run riot !
Now, I know its been done before....Mary Baker Eddy, Ron Hubbard, Charles Taze Russell, Joseph Smith, etc, but there seems to be good financial reasons for doing it. And there are lots of atheists out there that need hoovering up !
What elements do you think would be needed for this new venture to be a success ?
Don't forget that almost anything can be included, judging from past attempts at doing this, so let your imagination run riot !
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I think the revealed religions are a good model to follow, particularly the Scientology model. It's unlikely that anyone would be convinced by a new Abrahamic style deity these days. Revealed religions have the insidious ability to suck the mark in bit by bit until they've invested so much that deconversion is difficult, rather than presenting it up front and letting them see what Tesco Value Beef Burgers it all is.
Also, don't get greedy - you need to go for high turnover, low margin, not bilk each atheist for as much as you can get, however tempting that might be. They won't object to giving you a bit, but they will object to giving you a lot.
Try not to allow your libido to trump your logic. Thought it might be tempting to insist your new deity has given you rights over whatever sexual partner you prefer, it exposes you to jealousy and your edifice is in danger of crumbing.
Finally, make sure you expend a lot of energy on apologetics; there's nothing the believers like more.
Also, don't get greedy - you need to go for high turnover, low margin, not bilk each atheist for as much as you can get, however tempting that might be. They won't object to giving you a bit, but they will object to giving you a lot.
Try not to allow your libido to trump your logic. Thought it might be tempting to insist your new deity has given you rights over whatever sexual partner you prefer, it exposes you to jealousy and your edifice is in danger of crumbing.
Finally, make sure you expend a lot of energy on apologetics; there's nothing the believers like more.
// What elements do you think would be needed for this new venture to be a success ? //
You need to incorporate a few pointless rules and silly rituals. For example..
- The faithful can only eat turnips on a Wednesday.
- They must avoid anyone called Kevin, as that name is deemed unclean.
- Brown corduroy trousers must be worn on the 27th of every month.
- Women must walk backwards in the company of men.
You need to incorporate a few pointless rules and silly rituals. For example..
- The faithful can only eat turnips on a Wednesday.
- They must avoid anyone called Kevin, as that name is deemed unclean.
- Brown corduroy trousers must be worn on the 27th of every month.
- Women must walk backwards in the company of men.
Some more ideas for rules..
- Followers must wear a mohican style hairdo, but one which goes from ear to ear rather than front to back. A matching beard is optional for men but compulsory for women and children.
- The faithful must prove their loyalty by diverting a substantial portion of their income into your swiss bank account each month.
That second one's probably most important.
- Followers must wear a mohican style hairdo, but one which goes from ear to ear rather than front to back. A matching beard is optional for men but compulsory for women and children.
- The faithful must prove their loyalty by diverting a substantial portion of their income into your swiss bank account each month.
That second one's probably most important.
Thanks everybody ! All these points will be taken into account when deciding the final mix.
I especially like the "women walking backwards" bit although, given the daft shoes that the Sisters wear these days, they can hardly walk forwards, never mind backwards. We had a family wedding two years ago and all the women, bar none, were complaining that their feet were hurting after a few hours. When I asked some of them why they bought shoes that were so uncomfortable, that they couldn't walk in them, they looked at me as if I was a small child, and said, somewhat witheringly, that "these shoes are not for walking in, you silly man"
I have thought of a few others rules for my new religion :::
1 No meat must be eaten, even nice horsies, on a Friday.
2 All women must wear a large black sack over their heads, when out in public.
3 All small boys should have their penises mutilated a few days after birth.
4 All adults of working age should have their wages "tithed" and given to the Elders of the Parish every month, to spend as they think fit.
5 All churches and other places of worship should be paved with gold, while ordinary people should live in hovels.
6 All methods of birth control, except that brought about by excessive consumption of beer, should not be tolerated.
7 No blood transfusions should be allowed, even life-saving ones.
Oh....sorry... all that's being done before hasn't it ?
Back to the drawing board !
I especially like the "women walking backwards" bit although, given the daft shoes that the Sisters wear these days, they can hardly walk forwards, never mind backwards. We had a family wedding two years ago and all the women, bar none, were complaining that their feet were hurting after a few hours. When I asked some of them why they bought shoes that were so uncomfortable, that they couldn't walk in them, they looked at me as if I was a small child, and said, somewhat witheringly, that "these shoes are not for walking in, you silly man"
I have thought of a few others rules for my new religion :::
1 No meat must be eaten, even nice horsies, on a Friday.
2 All women must wear a large black sack over their heads, when out in public.
3 All small boys should have their penises mutilated a few days after birth.
4 All adults of working age should have their wages "tithed" and given to the Elders of the Parish every month, to spend as they think fit.
5 All churches and other places of worship should be paved with gold, while ordinary people should live in hovels.
6 All methods of birth control, except that brought about by excessive consumption of beer, should not be tolerated.
7 No blood transfusions should be allowed, even life-saving ones.
Oh....sorry... all that's being done before hasn't it ?
Back to the drawing board !
When OH, a Christian, was starving in hospital because I wasn't allowed to cook for him there or bring in meals while people of other faiths could, I formed a new religion. We were called The Portswood Brethren, over one hundred members and we had very specific dietary requirements which coincidentally met the needs of a sick man..........worked a treat except for the member who would only join if we included Mars Bars.
I have been giving the "wearing of corduroy trousers" bit some thought.
I don't think that I can proceed with this, as I am sure it will count as "cruel and unusual punishments"
A nice purple or sky blue corduroy might be OK but not brown. I remember Russell Grant appearing on some awful day time Telly show a few years back, sat on a sofa in a brown corduroy trouser suit, and the image will stay with me for many years yet.
I don't think that I can proceed with this, as I am sure it will count as "cruel and unusual punishments"
A nice purple or sky blue corduroy might be OK but not brown. I remember Russell Grant appearing on some awful day time Telly show a few years back, sat on a sofa in a brown corduroy trouser suit, and the image will stay with me for many years yet.
Charles Taze Russell did not believe in starting a new religion. Many falsely attribute Russell with starting the "Jehovah's Witnesses" religion, when, in fact, Russell preached against such an organization, and he preached against the kind of Armageddon message that the JWs preach. Media URL: http://youtu.be/nfvbba5nIsE
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