Humanist Funeral

[jake-the-peg]

It was my father's funeral yesterday - I don't recall him ever going into a church outside of weddings and funerals etc. so I arranged a humanist funeral.

Even though this was Oxford there was a distinct scarcity of humanist celebrants and we had a civil celebrant who was not herself a humanist but she did a very good job none the less.

She provided a framework and I wrote and delivered a tribute, I selected some of his favorite music and it all went off quite beautifully.

However this was obviously rare - the funeral director didn't realise and thought she was a vicar and when we went into the chapel the metre high wooden cross had been left on the table/altar

I didn't mind but it would have been nice for it to have just been put behind the table and some people might have been more put out.

It just struck me that if such a non-religous funeral was so unusual somewhere like Oxford is it even rarer elsewhere?

Ever been to one? how did it go?

[jno]

where was it, exactly? You mention a chapel - if it was a religious building I'd expect a cross on display to be the default position, but you might have been able to ask in advance for it to be tucked away somewhere.

[Octavius]

Sorry to hear of your loss.

I have never been to a 'humanist' funeral as such, but I have been to a non-religious one which I guess is similar intent. It was a very nice and peaceful ceremony similar to as you describe, some poignant music, some tributes (or eulogies as I know them). I think that some people went into default positions though, with their mannersisms (making the sign of the cross etc) and generally it was fairly ritualistic and solemn but without blessings and prayers. It is the only one I have been to though, maybe over time it will become more common.

[Kromovaracun]

I know this isn't really what your question is about Jake, but I'd like to offer my condolences for your loss and my sincere best wishes to you and your family.

We had a similar experience when my grandfather passed away a few years ago - he wasn't a remotely religious man, and my father wasn't really in a frame of mind to go searching around for an appropriately humanist service, and the one we ended up with was actually quite rushed - almost a bit of a production-line funeral. My father's often said since that he would much rather have a non-religious sendoff.

I agree that it does seem a bit strange - one would think (particularly in Oxford) that there would be plenty of demand for it...

[The Builder]

As a closet humanist myself, Jake, I've been to several. The most recent was for a football-loving friend....... complete with red & white Nottingham Forest coffin ........ and music from Pink Floyd. Oh, and a football programme for the order of service.

I've always found them to be utterly personal rather than remote and "devotional". With the free choice of music, readings etc, It's a great way of injecting a little "fun" and celebration into a sad occasion.

[naomi24]

Sorry to hear that Jake. I know he was unwell for some time. I've been to a few non-religious funerals held in the chapels of ordinary cemeteries where religious symbols were removed for the occasion. It's not unusual now, but I do think you have to make clear to the funeral director who is organising the ceremony exactly what you want – otherwise I think they just assume it’s a Christian affair. (That was my experience when I organised a funeral a year ago).

[Robinia]

We had a humanist funeral (Nottinghamshire) for our brother who died aged 65 after a long illness. The celebrant was/is a humanist herself and had obviously worked long and hard at piecing together beautifully all the information we had given her. Although heartbreaking, it was the most meaningful funeral I've ever attended, apart from a shortl introduction it was all about our brother and his life.

[joggerjayne]

http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/10636894.Tributes_to_humanist_who_helped_make_Brighton_godless/

[Peter Pedant]

sorry to hear of you would have understood if you had covered the cross, crucifix - (it isi normally swathed between Good Friday and first service Waster SUn)


Actually your thoughts were exactly what I thought - if you have a humanist taking a service, it morphs into almost what the christians do, songs eulogy, and ending....

[pixie373]

Sorry to hear about your father, jake.
I went to a humanist funeral a few weeks ago- Amersham Crematorium, so similar area. They played Queen, Dire Straits etc and had a couple of speeches and poems from relatives. It was lovely and very appropriate for him.
His (the deceased's) father-in-law also had a "non-religious" funeral there, three years ago. There was quite a lot of talk of God and the Afterlife by the director(?). So it seems, humanist are becoming more popular and they are getting more respectful and understanding of people's wishes.

[jomifl]

Condolences Jake...I and Mrs. Jom arranged a non-religious green burial for my brother complete with dixieland jazz band. The only thing that would have clashed with the mood was the canned religious music being played in the chapel, fortunately the off switch worked. There was no trace of religion, which was strangely very liberating, the celebrant was an atheist Jew. It went so well and was such a peaceful spot that my uncle has since been buried next to him and my aunt although having a plot awaiting her in a churchyard booked a space there too. It was in South Essex near Brentwood.

[janbee]

Jake, my condolences for the loss of your father xx

[atalanta]

I don't want my family to give me a funeral ceremony of any kind. I am going to leave a sum of money in my will for all my near-and-dear to get together in a pub, say nice things about me and get drunk. I shall include enough money for all the taxi fares home, too.
And *** the flowers. What a waste of money.

[Octavius]

"complete with dixieland jazz band"

Its quite a popular one but I have always thought I'd quite like to be carried off to the tune of The Viper by Paul Lenart & Bill Novik.

[vetuste_ennemi]

Commiserations, Jake.
Been to two. First one excellent conducted by someone from the British Humanist Association (I think). Second sadly only very recently. My former boss (a little younger than I) had contracted cancer and had died suddenly in the early stages of chemo. Music by Robert Plant/Alison Krauss and the Travelling Wilburys amongst others. Lovely picture of him on the order of service card with a glass of wine in his hand.

[LazyGun]

Sorry for your loss, Jake.

Been to one humanist funeral for a family friend, organised via the British Humanist Association which was well organised and attended.

There is a distinct shortage of humanist celebrants, but the numbers are growing. Part of the problem has been difficulties in finding one local to you, but there is now a national register, maintained via the BHA.

https://humanism.org.uk/ceremonies/find-a-celebrant/

[EdmundD]

We live in North London and we had a humanist funeral for my mother-in-law 3 weeks ago. A friend of the family mentioned the idea of a humanist to us and we decided to go that route. I hadn't heard of this before, my experiences of funerls being Catholic services. The funeral director knew someone and arranged for us to meet him. He came to the house and took notes and asked questions about her life. We chose an operatic chorus for the music and gave him the CD. Next day he e-mailed a text to be read by him, which we edited a bit and sent back to him. At the funeral itself he was very good and everything went very smoothly. Quite simple and respectful.

[jake-the-peg]

Thanks all

It was at the crematorium and they have 2 'chapels' there. It wasn't a big deal but I thought some of them felt 'wrong footed' by it all.

My father didn't leave any express wishes and it was up to me to make all the decisions and I and everybody was pleased with how it happened but it was stressful - like organising a wedding at short notice!

I decided I would try not to put my kids through that so I think I'll have to leve suggestions - funerals are for the living so they can have whatever ceremony the like but I'll leave suggestions of music and places to scatter ashes etc so that they don't feel under pressure when the time comes

[mikey4444]

My Uncle died 2 years ago and there was a completely non-religious funeral.

It was also a woodland burial. I can honestly say that this was quite the best funeral I have ever attended. The owner of the woodland burial plot said a few words and then asked if anybody else would like to speak. I, and a couple of others spoke and then a poem was recited.

He was buried in a beautiful wicker coffin, and there is now a rose bush planted over him.

I was so impressed with this arrangement, that I now want this for me, when my time comes.

[naomi24]

I agree with you Jake. My friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given six months to live. During the time she had left she sorted out all her affairs, and organised her own funeral. So impressive. Brave lady. I’ve organised several funerals, but since then, should we both die in a plane crash, we’ve set up a ‘Clog Popping’ file with all our wishes and instructions, insurances, bank details, safe code – everything - even down to who to contact. I’d hate my family to have to deal with what we’ve had to deal with.

[Octavius]

Mikey, sounds nice, I would be toying with that and a cremation with my ashes chucked somewhere meaningful. I don't see a great deal of point in everlasting tombstones, although if you are so inclined to visit graves to place flowers or whatnot, then that form of rememberance is to be taken as an 'each to their own' (I recently saw a small heart shaped tombstone with flowers beside a streetlight??). I certainly don't expect my children to feel any guilt into tending to my grave during their life but a tree in a peaceful place would be nice. I would also list some music, just to make sure my wife and daughters don't play any Rihanna or One Direction!