Dear God, I Have A Few Questions I'd Like Answered:

[RATTER15]

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? (I'm pretty sure she's a virgin).

3. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

4. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

5. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Aren't there 'degrees' of abomination?

6. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

7. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

8. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

9. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

Sincerely,
Yours Truly

[Mosaic]

Round this neck o'the woods, smiting regularly follows barbecues, christenings, weddings, and wakes. Does this make it a very holy neighbourhood?

[Old_Geezer]

Surely you are asking serious questions Ratter ? You must require to live right in the eyes of your Lord ?

[RATTER15]

Something like that OG lol.


Mosaic, it does indeed, no good neighbourhood goes with regular smitings!

[Graham-W]

I too am an unbeliever, but I wouldn't try to take away someone else's belief.
For some people that's all they've got.

[douglas9401]

^ I don't believe it ^

[maggiebee]

Shouldn't this be in "jokes"?

[1ozzy]

1) You will find Mexicans are much cheaper to purchase than Canadians.
2) Depends,are you sure of the virginity or not?
3) Cook the bull properly then your neighbors wont complain and you won't feel the need to smite them.
4) If your neighbor didn't work on the Sabbath, where the heck would you buy stuff on that day.
5) What if a homosexual ate shellfish?
6) Of course you can't, You may walk through it and cause damage.
7) Painfully, they should embrace the "hippy lifestyle".
8) Yep...but only if you are good enough to be offered a contract worth millions.
9) Yes you could...Just don't burn them like the bull you cook then the neighbors won't complain and you wont need to "smite them".
Hope I've answered your questions and now you can sleep peacefully.
:-)

[naomi24]

Come on, Ratter. You don't really expect an answer from someone who hasn't spoken in 2000 years, do you? ;o)

[RATTER15]

Naomi, have an open mind, please! I am giving him every opportunity to speak.

I will post his response as soon as it arrives.


Patience is a virtue.......

[pixie373]

He might email you, ratter. Good luck!:-)

[pixie373]

(check your "junk" folder......)

[zoe76]

1. Wasn't grizzly adams canadian? If so, would he and his bear come as a package? Maybe that explains it, who would want a big old grizzly bear rummaging through the fridge?

2. Hmmm I have all on getting my daughters to wash up, I'm pretty sure if I sold they I would be chased up for a refund

3. Yes smite them, or failing that offer them a burger and a can of stella to appease them.

4. Ah this is a hard one. Do they lend you sugar and teabags when you run out? If no, go ahead, who wants stingy neighbours?

5. Shellfish is a definate abomination, how anyone can put that horrible snotty mess in their mouths is beyond me. I'm now wondering how big an abomination my friend Joe would be committing if he and his partner Shaun ate shellfish together, dun dun dunnnnnn

6. I'm sure a few words in the right ear and a couple hundred pounds could get you a note from your optician stating you have perfect vision.

7. Well they could always hang them by the hair, their rather long hair, especially the temple hair, that would really hurt.

8. Easy solution, play with a poundtime plastic footie ball

9. I wrote all this thinking you were making it up until I googled the last one. I'm gobsmacked, okay I get the animal bit but erm, well - sorry i'm speechless, is this why the children of the corn killed all the adults?

christianity is a load of crap imo

[Marijn]

Good grief!

[coolcam109]

Your friend probably IS Canadian