Oh, Heavenly Father, today we gather to give thanks and praise for all that you have bestowed upon us in Your infinite grace and wisdom. We give thanks for family and for friends and for those who fall into neither category yet are with us today despite not having been invited. (You know who you are; we all do and so does God.) We give thanks for Your woe begotten son, Jesus Herbert Christ, Whom You sent to us so that we could string Him up on a cross and leave Him to suffer and die for no good reason. And we give thanks that this somehow gives us the impression that we have been absolved of the mortal sins that taint our souls because that *** Eve couldn't keep her hands off the goddamned produce. Yay, God. Amen.