ChatterBank3 mins ago
religious jokes,,,
17 Answers
Enoch Powell dies and knocks on heavens door. "knock, knock"
"Who' der man" says the voice.
"oh, forget it" says Enoch.
"Who' der man" says the voice.
"oh, forget it" says Enoch.
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Bill said: "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell...
It was a beautiful,clean,sandy beach with clear waters.There were thousands of beautiful women running around,playing in the water,laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great" he told God. "If this is Hell,I really want to see Heaven!"
"Fine" said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.
"Fine" retorted God, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
continued.......
It was a beautiful,clean,sandy beach with clear waters.There were thousands of beautiful women running around,playing in the water,laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great" he told God. "If this is Hell,I really want to see Heaven!"
"Fine" said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.
"Fine" retorted God, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
continued.......
When God arrived in Hell,he found Bill shackled to a wall,screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave.
He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going,Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded,his voice full of anguish and disappointment."This is awful,this is not what I expected.I can't believe this happened.What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God says: "That was the screen saver.
He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going,Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded,his voice full of anguish and disappointment."This is awful,this is not what I expected.I can't believe this happened.What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God says: "That was the screen saver.
I love telling this one in the presence of lawyers.
Contrary to popular opinion heaven and hell are not separated vertically but are on the same plane divided by a fence. One day God is doing his three-monthly inspection of the outer limits of his property when he sees that the fence is in a poor state. So he yells over the fence for the Devil: "Oi, Mephistopheles, come here!" No response. "Beelzebub, come on, move yourself!"
The Devil slowly emerges and looks at God insolently. "What do you want, fungus-face?"
"This fence," says God, fix it." "Shove off", says the Devil.
"Fix the fence", repeats God. "The posts are on your side; it's your responsibility. Fix it or I'll see my solicitor."
The devil thinks for moment and then asks:
"Where would you find a solicitor?"
Contrary to popular opinion heaven and hell are not separated vertically but are on the same plane divided by a fence. One day God is doing his three-monthly inspection of the outer limits of his property when he sees that the fence is in a poor state. So he yells over the fence for the Devil: "Oi, Mephistopheles, come here!" No response. "Beelzebub, come on, move yourself!"
The Devil slowly emerges and looks at God insolently. "What do you want, fungus-face?"
"This fence," says God, fix it." "Shove off", says the Devil.
"Fix the fence", repeats God. "The posts are on your side; it's your responsibility. Fix it or I'll see my solicitor."
The devil thinks for moment and then asks:
"Where would you find a solicitor?"
here you are wiz, what do you think of this one, two parts.
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
convert or leave Italy.
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope
offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the
Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they
would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to
represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian
and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each
other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three
fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe
pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that
Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is
still only one God common to both our beliefs
Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all
around us.
He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
convert or leave Italy.
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope
offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the
Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they
would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to
represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian
and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each
other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three
fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe
pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that
Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is
still only one God common to both our beliefs
Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all
around us.
He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe.
"How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had
three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he tells
me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him,
we're staying right here."
"And then what," asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moishe,
"He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe.
"How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had
three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he tells
me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him,
we're staying right here."
"And then what," asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moishe,
"He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
Up to his waist in flames, a horned figure with a pitchfork and a tail hands a cell phone to a man standing across from him.
The man, about a foot shorter, who is also in the flames and naked, smiles and exclaims, “Wow, you allow cell phones down here?”
The horned figure gruffly replies, "They're required."
The man, about a foot shorter, who is also in the flames and naked, smiles and exclaims, “Wow, you allow cell phones down here?”
The horned figure gruffly replies, "They're required."
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