Ok here is the question.

[boona]

My Ghanaian husband passed away 4 weeks ago in a car accident (he was a passenger) I loved him very much and I thought he loved me, however it has now come to light that he was having an affair (maybe more than one) before his death and was also advertising himself as single on dating websites so he could find some mug to send him money (like I was!). Now my husband was a pastor and prayed day and night, he talked in tongues and seemed paassionate about God. I was pretty much a non believer before I met him but he encouraged me to go to church and converted me. This to me makes his actions very surprisig as he used to council couple at the church on infidelity (or maybe this was a lie also)
He came to the uk twice last year and I concieved (I had been trying to concieved for 10yrs - against the odds as I had very few eggs. My daughter was born very early at 26wks and is my little miracle. My question is this - if everything hapens for a reason then what was the reason for his death? Do u think god took him because he was troubled or bad? Im trying to make sense of it.

[smurfchops]

Four weeks isn't very long, don't try to make sense of it this early. You are still grieving, no matter what he has done. You have your beautiful daughter, your little miracle, you can go forward and live for her now. The past is gone, he wasn't faithful to you, you are better than that.

[in a mo]

I am very sorry for your loss,I hope now you will be very happy with your little baby girl.
All people who cheat had better watch out God might be GOOD but it is the Devil who bites back.

[KARL]

You possibly will not want the agnostic's view, but for what it is worth here it is. There is almost certainly no god but large numbers of people believe/hope there is - that does not make him/her/it a reality. Usually what happens when believers are asked the question you ask, they fluff the answer ("god works in mysterious ways") or come out with platitudes ("god loves us all"). What is certainly not meant to be unkind is to say that it is hugely common for people of intelligence, talent, etc. AND with a tendency for exploitation, dishonesty, reaching for power, manipulation, etc. to identify religion as a very useful tool. I have myself seen how religion is nothing less than a serious industry in Western Africa and your story is very familiar in that context. The best advice I can give you is to call on the strongest elements of your conscience and upbringing and serve your child well as a mother and not entrench or even impart negative views about her father and (preferably) not indoctrinate her with religion either - allow her to grow up as a balanced person capable of making her own choices and judgements. Life is mostly a mystery and we all bumble along the best we can so we can do without self-imposed burdens resulting from vacuous belief systems.

[Canary42]

10/10 Karl

[naomi24]

Boona, did you post on here a year or more back - maybe under another name? I remember someone posting about her husband who was a preacher in Africa, and whom she suspected wasn't truthful with her.

To answer your question, to believe things happen for a reason assumes a planner, and since I don't believe in a god, I don't believe anything happens for a reason.

Your husband very clearly didn't practice what he preached, so he was hardly a role model for anyone, and certainly not qualified to teach others how to live their lives. If you were a non-believer before perhaps you would be wise to accept that your husband's death was simply an accident, and put the worry and confusion that religion is causing you behind you. Be happy with your lovely baby. I wish you both well. x

[boona]

Yes Naomi, I did post on here a long time ago, it was when I wasnt sure what I believed in. I became a believer, even more so after my daughter was born so early and has never even had a nappy rash! I thank god for her everyday. As for my husband, he really had me fooled. He never got to see his daughter as he should have been coming to the uk this weekend instead it will be his funeral. He was so convincing, I though he was the most beautiful person I had ever met. Im still grieving for the man I thought he was. I just hope he knows now that I know the truth about him.

[naomi24]

Boona, yes I remember your posts. I'm sorry for your loss in more ways than one, and I'm sorry your fears proved to be justified. I wish you and your dear baby the very best. Much love. x

By the way, the reason your baby hasn't had nappy rash is because you're a good mother and you're taking good care of her. ;o)

[filthiestfis]

Forgive me if Im wrong but as as soon as I read that first line "My Ghanian husband passed away 4 weeks ago in a car accident" I thought that it is a scam.
Are you sure that this has REALLY happened and that it is not another lie to remove himself from the picture?

[keyplus90]

So far you have had responses from Atheist, agnostic and perhaps Christian too. I will give you my view as a Muslim. First of all if whatever you said about your husband is true then he was not a good example. Any preacher may be able to fool people who trust him but he can’t be a good example if he himself is not doing what he is asking others to do. But fortunately or unfortunately that is all past and after his death his links with this world has finished and now his affairs are with the creator and I am sure he would be judged accordingly.

As for your question, it is true that there are always reasons behind every thing but it is not possible for human to understand that all the times. Once we can’t understand something then easiest way out (for few) is refusing it all together. May b God has given you a chance to bring up your child the way you would like to, may be he died because had he been alive then this cheating bit might have created serious problem between you two. So many possibilities but as I said that complete knowledge of everything is with GOD. I have lost three people of my family in last 18 months. First of all my sister-in-law (a motherly figure to me, then in October 2009 my mother and now on this last Sunday 23rd my sister and she was only 47. This is part of life and the biggest reality. I do wish you and your child all the best in the future.

[beso]

Hypocricy is very common in extremist religious belief. The Bible is full of contradictions and ill directed guidance. Hopefully you will eventually get over the damage done to your mind by this man.

I would recommend you see your GP and get yourself tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

[boona]

Hi filthiestfis, yes he is certainly dead, I have asked for the death certificate from his mother and if they dont send it to me then I wil get it through British High Commission in Ghana.

Beso, I have not had any sexual contact with my husband since I became pregnant, and as part of my pregnancy I took a HIV test so I know I am safe.

Keyplus90, yes about a month before his death, my husband made a joke that "I can have my little girl whilst she is a baby and he will take her when she is older" it wasnt a joke to me and stuck in my mind. I was quite hysterical when I had the phone call to say he had been killed but a thought crossed my mind which said "thankgod he cant take my baby" I believe that may have been his intention one day.

Naomi24, thankyou, I do my best to be the best mum and I always put my daughter first as she is the most important in my life.

[Whickerman]

you need - absolutely NEED - to get the death certificate, and please do NOT accept one from his mother; this sounds very off to me. Get in touch with the authorities there.

I really feel for you but you need the support of someone close - have you family you can turn to? I think you may be the victim of a very cruel conman.

[naomi24]

filthiestfis and Whickerman have a point there. I hadn't thought of that. As Whickerman says, ask the authorities for a death certificate, boona. Don't rely on his family.

[boona]

Once again, thankyou for your response, His burial was on Saturday and I spoke to a few people who were there, everybody seems shocked when I tell them what I have found out about him, it seems that they are either covering there own backs or really are surprised! Either way I dont trust any of them including his family. I will be contacting the UK embassy in Ghana to make sure that I get a copy of the death cert.

[boona]

I have some very good friend who are supporting me, thankyou whickerman.

[boona]

Oh also, I just wanted to say that his mother was complaining that NOBODY from the church he belonged to turned up to his burial or sent any messages. Seems really strange to me.

[naomi24]

Very odd Boona. Please let us know how you get on - and good luck. x

[boona]

Hello all, I have now found out that my husband was NOT a pastor! Neither was he ordained after our wedding. Apparently he just said those things because he went to bible school when he was a teenager (which he did), believed in God and went to chuch! This is quiet common in Africa apparently! I have also found a string of women on the internet that he was having online/phone chat with, I have seen the messages of love he sent them even though he did not really know them! He even called them when he was in the UK with me! One of them told me he was beggin her for sex in Feb (this is when my baby was only a few weeks old in hospital) and when she said no he was "furious"

He has an Aunt in London who he met only once when he came to the uk, I went to visit her when he died and she met his daughter. I told her what I know, she told me I shouldnt be finding out these things and talking to these women as I will get more hurt. At first I thought she had my interest but I now realise she is worried that I will bring shame on her sister (husbands mother) in Ghana as I will be creating bad gossip over there about him.

I finally went back to church on Sunday, I took my daughter (I had not been since Nov 09) the Reverend was sad to here of my husbands death, she was looking forward to him doing some preaching in her church (they talked about it last time he was here). I wanted to tell her he was a fake and that he was unfaithful to me but I couldnt say it to her as I feel so guilty that he fooled her also. My question is this - should I tell her the truth about my husband? I want to move on and feel that she will be able to help me with this but at the same time I feel so ashamed of him.

[Old_Geezer]

I do not believe any God would take such an active interest in the day to day outcomes of individuals such that it'd have to intervene. Your husband's death was simply a case of him being in the "wrong car" at the "wrong time", sort of thing. Unavoidable but not down to divine intervention.

[jackthehat]

Boona - The shame is all your husbands..........not yours and not your daughter's.
If his family want to carry the 'shame' because he was their blood, you must let them.

You have dignity and a daughter, concentrate on your daughter.

I wish you strength for this time, and hope that you keep your head held high.

You have done nothing wrong..........and it may take some time for you to be able to explain to people exactly how your husband deceived you all but don't worry about that now.