Difficult Friend

[Scarlett]

I have a friend who is now in her early 50s. I've known her a long time. She is a fairly difficult person to talk to, as she can suddenly go very quiet and appear to 'switch off' but lately she has become such hard work that I don't enjoy her company any more. Today she came over to eat her lunch. She did not ask how I was, or in fact ask me any questions. I had to do all the conversation work. When I mentioned things I was up to, she sat in silence and showed no interest at all. If I didn't speak there would be long silences. She has been like this the past few times now, and I wondered what could be causing it. It's just not fun anymore. She is menopausal and I wondered if it caused anything like this?

[dieseldick]

ask her one time about it next time you sit down to talk, after that if she is still funny then get rid of her and move on, friends need to bring you happiness or at least friendship, if shes not then turn your back on you and look elsewhere as i would not waste the energy and time on someone like this.

[Tilly2]

If she's chosen to come and eat her lunch at your house, she obviously likes being with you for some reason. She looks on you as a friend. She listens to you and you ramble on about this and that. She must enjoy that.



If this 'silence' is a sudden change in her behaviour, then she has a problem and looks to you for support, I imagine.

Did she give any indication of how she was? The menopause can different effects on different people. Perhaps she needs a bit of a 'push' to see a GP.

[Tilly2]

Don't turn your back on her. She needs your help.

[hc4361]

Could she be depressed? That can cause people to become withdrawn and self-centred.

[Scarlett]

Yes maybe I'll suggest we meet one time when she doesn't have to go back to work. She just seems bad tempered. I think I do need to raise it with her. I'm a good friend and will tolerate pretty much anything but I am
wondering if she is cross with me. I produced a big event recently and even though she came along, she said nothing about it afterwards. I initiated a "thanks for coming" and thought she might venture an opinion and say well done but- nothing.

[Tilly2]

Ask her, straight out, whether she is upset with you. If she says 'No', then you can ask her why she is behaving as she does.
If she says, 'Yes', then you can sort it out.

[hc4361]

Have your roles swapped recently? Have you become more 'successful' than her in her eyes? Made new friends that she may feel threatened by? I am not for one minute suggesting you have done anything wrong, but if your friend is depressed or anxious, or has worries elsewhere that she can't cope with, she may perceive that something has happened.

Best to have an honest chat with her. Stress you are concerned about her and worried that all is not well, ask if there is anything you can do to help. If she still isn't forthcoming, then tell her how she is making you feel.

Hopefully it will all sort itself out.

[KARL]

Because you clearly would prefer to maintain the friendship, I would agree with all but the first advice given on this thread. One of the worst troublemakers in some friendships is unrealistic/unjustified expectations. Please make sure you are not waiting for praise/validation of some sort or for a sign of "appearing interested" which is very often formulaic, ingenuous and superficial. The silence in this case can be brought about by all the things you and the others have suggested here and more - it may be a sign of some type of pain rather than anything regarding the friendship itself.

[Auxarcs]

You folks have been friends for a long time, right? All relationships go thru times when they arent 'fun'. Menopause is a very tough time. Up to now you may be the only person who has been willing to deal with her moodiness. She may feel safe and comfortable with you because she knows or at least believes you get her and are confortable with her ways since youve dealt with them for so long. I guess if youre going to end the friendship because of a dearth if 'fun' its best to hurt and disillusion her quickly.
Friendshios, esp real, long lasting true friendships atent always about 'fun' they are also about supporting one another thru hard times that are distinctly NOT fun at all. And yes, in some friendships one person is much better at giving than the other. Maybe she wants to but doesnt know how. Esp right now with the whole menopause thing that can cause depression and mood swings. Some people are just natural nurturers for whom giving to others of themselves is natural. You may be one of those. For others the complete oppsite is true. Giving is difficult because they dont know how or are very uncomfortable or are shy or have social anxiety. I am one of these and have few friends. I sit quietly and listen to people because i dont know what to say in a given moment, or how to say it, or fear ill say or do the wrong thing or in the wrong way. Im not good at giving. I am a difficult person to be with much of the time. Im old enough now that i know all i really have to give is my time if someone asks for help ir needs to talk and money when i can afford it. Ive cant give in any other way. Its just not in me. So i sympatuse with your friend. Shes never going to give the same ways you give, something youve known for years. Get over the 'me, me, me,' issue and look for the ways she is a friend. She sits and listens when you talk. Does she help you when you ask for help with something? Has she loaned you money or objects when asked? Given you a ride somewhere? Things like that. Friendship comes in many forms and sometimes its not totally equal but it should be accepting not expecting someing to live up to our manufactured expectations for them. Support her thru this difficult time rather than tossing her to the side because shes not 'fun'.