Weekend custody

[lorla]

My boyfriend has recently agreed with his ex to have his daughter stay over at ours every other weekend. We live in West London and she recently moved to Hertfordshire. Ideally we would like to share the journey with her (either meet half way or we do the journey on Saturday and she does it on Sunday for example) but she isn't a resonable person and we're ready for a fight. Is there any law that says the travelling should be equal?

[undercovers]

no the law does get involved in such matters, however if you went to court to gain access to the child then it could be made a stipulation in the court order... though that does seem a bit extreme. If she is unreasonable why not just make the most of it and go collect the kid and plan a nice journey back, its not too far and there are loads of things to stop and see along the way especially in the summer when picnics, zoos and the like can be stopped of at.

[leekers]

i think the most important issue here is your bf having regular contact with his daughter you dont say how old she is but if as you say your ready for a fight over sharing the journey it could turn these visits in to one of dread for her as there will be either rows on the pick up, drop off or both. your bf has agreed to have her and now wants to make it a problem! he should accept that he will be collecting his daughter and dropping her off in order to maintain contact, it may be annoying i know but by not making a fuss now might make it easier to renegoiate later goodluck.

[Aliceband]

I dont think it should be a problem, your boyfriend collecting and taking home his daughter every other weekend. Its only 4 times a month!

Her mother looks after her the rest of the time.

[kazzianne]

Lorla - I would tell your guy to just do the travelling,honestly it isnt worth the argument.I have a court order from when I divorced my ex -and it states that he should do 50% of all the travelling.Does he? No.I do the 2 hr round trip on the fri and then again on the sunday because he just refuses,and im not going to be petty and take him back to court to enforce the order.At the end of the day,I know that deep down my kids probably appreciate the fact that I still do all the driving,just to see them.

[Pippa68]

I wouldn't rock the boat ~ it's a recent agreement, it's only every other weekend & to be honest it isn't a huge journey!

I share the drive with my ex husband as he lives 200 miles away ~ we meet halfway which is reasonable considering the distance. My husband collects & delivers his daughter a 30 mile round trip ~ a very small price to pay considering his ex wife fought tooth & nail not to let her see her dad at all.

Don't get into any fights if you can help it..if the mum is an unreasonable person as you say, then save your energy for more important issues.

[lorla]

Thanks for all your comments. We hate the thought of going to court and will avoid it at all costs. I'm sure things can be sorted out without going to those lengths.

His daughter is 4 and an angel. Unfortunately her mother is not so nice and has done some incredibly cruel things to my b'f. There isn't any justice in the situation as it is, so why should we let her get her own way yet again. Driving 7 hours within a day and a half is tiring. That said, it's not the actual journey that's the problem as we have ways of keeping her occupied, it's the principle.

It isn't a 'problem' Aliceband, he's been doing it for a few months now but it's the principle that counts - why does he have to continually bow down to her, it seems she has rights and he has none. (If she doesn't agree, of course he'll continue doing the journey on his own - that's not in question). You say 'her mother looks after the rest of the time' as if he should be grateful! He would love to be able to have her the whole time but that is not something should would allow.

Thanks Kazzianne - I appreciate your comments and actually your situation did make me think we should just grin and bear.

[awaw]

sorry to disagree but i think you and your boyfriend are being unreasonable expecting her to share the travelling.

i assume your boyfriend pays maintenance, which hardly ever works out in the favour of the parent with cares benefit.

his daughter costs his ex far more to support than your boyfriend probably pays so i don't see that she should share the travel costs with him.if he really enjoys time with his daughter he'll make the journey there and back with a smile on his face!

[Schlomo78]

Hi Lorla, I feel for you having been in the situ. My partners ex lives 200 miles away and would not agree to meet us halfway or do any of the travelling at all even when he explained to her that it was dangerous for him to drive for 8 or more hours at a time(I don't drive). She simply wasn't interested and when he also informed her that he could not afford to do it she retorted 'why should I subsidise you seeing your child?',which is all very well, but he has always given her a large amount of maintenance which he can't afford as she said from the start that was what she needed and he didn't want his daughter to lose out. Eventually he decided he would do all the travelling, but he could only afford to do it once a month instead of fortnightly and he would take half the petrol costs out of her next weeks maintenance. This, as you can imagine, went down like a lead balloon and resulted in her refusing to let him talk to his daughter for 7weeks. Mad!

All I can say is whatever you do don't let this get between you and your boyf, it drove me mad that he would let her get her own way time and time again and I would constantly be moaning at him about her,she was ruling our life even more without me even realising it! It took my best friend to give me a good talking to to realise what was happening. The CSA will take into consideration the monies after the first�7.50 spent on travelling costs, but they won't get her to do any travelling...all you can do is make the best of a bad situation.In 12 yrs she will be out of your life, god help you and me both! Lol!

Take care and good luck!!

xx

[lorla]

Thanks Schlomo78.

Awaw's comments have really angered me. Where did comments about child support come from? This is one thing that my b'f and his ex have managed to agree on and she's actually very happy about the arrangement so I didn't appreciate your comments on that. I don't think you should be making assumptions about whether what he pays, covers what it costs to look after her. What a generalisation! And I never brought up the issue of how much the travel costs?!

Whose to say he doesn't make the journey with a smile on his face?? His daughter is the light of his life. He would spend more time with her if he was 'allowed'. He will continue seeing her fornightly whether the journey is split or not as he wouldn't give up seeing her for anything. But if a child has 2 parents, why can't things be equal between those 2 parents? It seems ridiculous that anyhting but a 50/50 split should be acceptable.

However, sensible comments from others that have replied, have made me reliase it could be a lot worse....so thanks.

[Pippa68]

lorla I am in full agreement with you. if my ex lived much closer we would definately be 'sharing' the children..or rather they would share us! that's how I would like it to be anyway, although i doubt he would do it as he does like his freedom.

So many times he has said he can't see the kids because he is going for a weekend away with his wife ~ it angers me very much as he doesn't put the kids first.

I would love to see more examples of shared contact. It makes far more sense & to be honest far too many women have the upper hand with regards to contact. And at the end of it it is the child who suffers the most ~ what I was going to say is that if your boyfriends ex is an unreasonable person then the children will see this..all they will see in their dad is a great person & dad who wants to see them so much that he is willing to do the lions share of the contact journey.

I know..my kids have told me the same with no prompting from me!

[lorla]

Thanks Pippa68 - really appreciate your comments. Unfortunately his daughter is only 4 (just yesterday!) so doesn't understand all the politics involved but I'm sure when she's older she'll see what a great Dad he is.

[Pippa68]

She will, lorla.

My stepdaughter was 2 and a half when her parents finally split ~ we have had 10 and a half years of fighting for any kind of normality for her.

We have a big file of court cases (brought on by her mother) with protracted correspondence relating from something as trivial as buying shoes, to the most extreme being the accusation & investigation of both my stepdaughter & her father regarding sexual abuse...and all in between!

If she wants to read it one day she can.

[Beanmistriss]

Hiya lorla. My partner has 2 kids and their mother is the most unreasonable person who ever lived! When both the kids lived with her we had to do the driving to pick them up and drop them off. Now his son lives with us we still have to do the driving to drop him and collect him when he goes to his mums. He is 14 so could use the train sometimes, but because where she lives is a bit rough he is scared to walk to the station on his own. Its a 5 minute walk from her house but she won't walk with him because she can't be bothered and it would make it easier for us.

When he had to have a dentist appointment recently she would not text my partner the name or number of his dentist and theres no point in phoning her cos she just answers and gives him an earful of abuse. In the end he went through the phone book, ringing the dentists in the area to see if his son was registered with them.

The point I am trying to make is that there are some people who will always be akward and make things difficult.

My advice would be just put up with it, do whatevers nessessary for him to see his daughter without arguing or fighting about it. Make all the effort even if she makes none if thats whats required. If shes the type to send nasty texts, have shouting matches etc about his daughter, don't retaliate, ignore it and be the bigger people.

It's one of the most frustrating things ever and seems so unfair but (and I know she's only 4 at the moment but kids take in a lot more than we give them credit for) but she will appriciate it all in the end. If her mother ever tries to turn her against your bf, his consistancy and refusal to say anything bad about or to the mother will help prove that is a load of crap.

good luck and I hope you can work it all out :) x

[FlowerPetal]

Lorla, i have the same prob only it is the other way around, my step-sons mopther is the problem but he lives with me and his dad. We had to have a court order to state that neither me or his dad could have any contact with his mother becoz she made up stupid stories about things being said - it got us into all sorts of problems. now i drive half way and her hubby drives half way and i drop and collect my SS that way.

B4 all those people out there start giving me grief about how we should all be adult about communication between parents, been there done that! not easy with a nutcase of a woman. He does not enjoy going and is beginning to start seeing her for what she is - with NO help from us i might add.

Anyway Lorla, have a chat with your solicitor, see if they could contact her solicitors to arrange halfway collection without going to court.

Good luck xxx

[huge piles]

lorla... first of all, ignore folk like awaw, and aliceband... they've clearly never been where you are right now... and are basing their comments (not advice) on pure ignorance of the situation... in fact i wonder if they are indeed parents themselves... sounds like they've been reading too many newspapers...

i personally know where you are coming from... unfortunately i've learned that after umpteen suggestions that my wee boy's mum help a bit with the travelling, i'm resigned to accepting that i do, and always will do, the travelling myself...

[huge piles]

awaw, you would anger me with your ridiculous assumptions, if you weren't so pathetic as to be laughable...

feel free to rot in your own ignorance of the real world...