Dealing with bereavement

[CLOWN TICKLE]

Well hello guys glad i've not been missed( only joking) those who know mum in law passed a month ago and mum three years ago this week, problem is I cant get upset about it, I still talk of them as if they were around but I know they aren't, is this wrong of me, my wife hates going to see her dad as she hates not seeing her mum there, all I can do is shut up or walk out so I don't say anything to upset her, any advice would be of use, anyeway love to everyone

[loopyc]

clown tickle hi sweetheart no it is not wrong of you i lost my nan three months ago and still have not cried properly, there are no rules when it comes to grief and because you still talk of them as if they are still with you does not mean you are not greiving in your own way, the only advice i can offer you and sorry its not much is to not beat your self up over the way you are dealing with this it is obvious that you love your wife so much and i am sure you are doing all you can for her , love to you and your wife louise x

[andy-hughes]

I have said many times on this site, that we are not good at grief in Western society. We try to ignore it, and we do not prepare ourselvves, or our loved ones, for what happens.

No one 'gets over' a bereavement. You assimilate the loss into your life, and it stays there, for ever. Some days it is well in the background, some days it takes over everything, a lot of days it is somewhere in between the two extremes.

Friends and even family allow you about four - six weeks to 'get over' your loss, and then they want you to be back to how you were, because they find grief uncomfortable, and they;d sooner not deal with it, and by default, deal with you.

Individuals assimilate grief in their own ways. Some people don't talk easily, some don't talk at all. Try and talk to, and listen to your wife, without forcing the issue oin either side. It hurts, but it does help as well. The simple act of putting your emotions into words to speak to someone else helps you to clarify how you feel at that time. It is very very hard at first, but it does improv with practice, so see if it helps.

Try the Samaritans. They are epxerienced in dealing with grief, and talking to a complete stranger can be easier than talking to those close to you. Don't worry if you can't find words - the contact is important, they wil wait until you are ready to speak, even if you call several times and say nothing.

Don't be alone with this aspect of your life. It takes a long long time to heal, and you will never ever forget, but bottling feelings up will hurt you more.

You can always pop on here and talk to us!

[dot.hawkes]

Hi Crown Tickle, I guess for 5 years I was like your wife, not wanting to go to my Dad's cos it was so painful with mum not being there. I think looking back that if I had gone more often it would have been eventually less and less distressing for me, and probably I would have spent more time with my Dad. Now he has gone and the house is sold and I can't go anywhere to feel them near me or feel close to them except the grave and that is more upsetting. I know everyone deals with these things in their own way, but I wish I could have talked to my Dad more in those five years, whenever he came here it was always busy. I think you need to be with your wife and cherish her Dad's company and keep her Mum's memory alive for as long as you can.

[horselady]

I so agree with Dot. I really wish I had spent more time with parents and parents-in-law, although mum-in-law was a right old battleaxe. My Mum and Dad were both cremated and there is nowhere to go to "talk", it's the way they wanted it, "once you're gone, you're gone don't want any fussy shrine thing" trouble is, it's hard for us left behind. It was a long time before my Mum's death really hit me, carried on normally for ages, then was very upset months later and everyone wondered why!