Should I Go Or Should I Stay?

[ThatgirlMolly]

Advise please..

I'm in my early 30's have two children and have been with my husband for 15 years. Although we're great as a family my husband is really good with the kids we're not so great as a couple.

We never go out together and bicker a lot! The only time we do anything is if I organise something.. I feel totally fed up :(
We've tried talking even saw a professional nothing seems to work. We just bicker about the same thing over and over again. I know when your married it's not always flowers and roses but I'd at least like to go out with my husband now and again. If I go out with my friends I'm made to feel guilty I just can't win.

I'm at a crossroad and no longer carry I like this. Should I stay for the sake of my family or keep on plodding on?

[Tilly2]

Why don't you go out together?

[scorpiojo]

...and what is the 'same thing' you bicker over?

[EDDIE51]

Do you have 'somewhere to go' ? Do you intend taking the children?
There is a lot to think over.
''We are great as a family and my husband is really good with the kids''
You have a lot to lose there.

[EDDIE51]

By the way when I saw this I thought it was another referendum post!

[ThatgirlMolly]

We mainly argue about money. My husband is really bad with managing his money. We split the bills 50/50 and have a separate bills account but some how he still runs out of money hench the reason why we only go out now and again. I always end up paying which I don't mind sometimes but I can't afford to pay for us both to go out every time plus it would be nice to split the cost.

[Old_Geezer]

Money is a common thing for couples to argue over, or so I am told. My parents used to.

You say you have tried talking and seeing professionals (who are pretty much trying to get you to do the same) but since you say it hasn't worked I'd suggest the pair of you haven't given it sufficient chance. Airing grievances are one thing, understanding the other person and having a genuine desire to find a solution is the priority.

We only have one side of hate story of course but it seems, on the face of it, that this running out of money hasn't been sufficiently explained. OR maybe it's been and then ignored. There seems to have been no move to overcome the issue. Either by agreeing the financial needs are genuinely different for the pair of you and you need a different split of the family budget, or more likely that one has identified spend that isn't necessary on the finance you both have available and can be cut to balance the books. Why has this analysis not been achieved ? Or if it has why is the solution you guys put into place not working ?

Is there a genuine desire and effort to mend the relationship or is it simply being hoped that discussing the issue without actually coming to an agreement will somehow work it out by itself ?

To answer your question, only you can decide what you do next, but do not take the "split now" option without consideration. It is a big decision and you will have invested a part of your life into the relationship; only opt to go if convinced the relationship has deteriorated and no longer salvageable. It's a big step.

But do not either stay for the sake of the family as it doesn't work to live in misery, and will affect the others, nor plod on (which is much the same thing anyway.

Take further time to think, and if there is still a chance to sort things give the experts and conversations another go. But recall the main thing is to see thee other's point of view (both of you) rather than air the injustices you feel and have a slanging match. Find sensible options, and decide on what you can do.

If all else fails you always have the "get out" option to fall back on.

[Old_Geezer]

... of the story ...
Like I blooming typed !

[ummmm]

You've been married 15 years and you don't have a pool account?

Change the money situation and then see how things go.

[DaisyNonna]

What does he spend money on?

[jourdain2]

I forgave my 1st husband again and again for dropping us in the mire moneywise - eventually I intercepted his new bank cards and cut them up. We lasted 30 years and raised the kids well (they are well-balanced achievers with good marriages) before everything collapsed. He would come home from work and not even say hello, just go upstairs to get on with his position with organising stuff for the running-club he belonged to.

We never went out either, we didn't bicker, we just ran out of juice. Children are important, I put mine first and have the comfort of them being normal, with happy children of their own. It depends how bad the atmosphere is, we were OK until the youngest was about 14, we split when she went to Uni..

Good luck.

[chattykathy]

If he realised how unhappy you are and what you are considering, would he agree to putting money into a joint account that can be used for socialising, holidays etc? My advice would be to not make any hasty decisions - good luck!

[Smowball]

We have a joint account which every single bill and household expense comes from. We also have a separate little account which our salaries go into and from that we transfer into the joint one - each keeping a little back for surprises etc

[chattykathy]

So could a 'going out fund' direct debit be set up? Then PLAN for nights out!!

[DaisyNonna]

Joint accounts are a terrible temptation if one of a couple is not careful with money

[Old_Geezer]

Maybe you want an account where both have to sign for the withdrawal ;-)

Can't help feeling that the financial suggestion, whilst being all very well, doesn't tackle the root cause of the issue but works around a part of it. Perhaps it is just the push that's needed but I'm inclined to think you both need to work out why there is a lack of enthusiasm/effort in fixing the relationship. And that means more talking (not bickering, or each defending their position and blaming the other) in order to find solutions, I think.