Quite Hurt

[jennyjoan]

I am a bit reluctant to post this but what do you think.

I called over with friend who has cancer (on Saturday) - conversation started ok altho she is "bitter and angry" with having cancer etc.

In the midst of conversation - she said to me - "I am just looking at you - our other friend has cancer, I have cancer and your cousin has just had a heart attack and you are sitting there as fit as a fiddle".

I truly was at a loss for words - did she want me to get ill. Only she is sick I would have gladly walked out.

This lady is sorta pretty hard work when she wasn't sick so you can imagine what she is like now.

Most of us (a cuppla of her friends) and her siblings have over the years walked on "egg-shells" pretty much with her.

Would you have been hurt.

[DTCwordfan]

It's all in the mind, connie.....you are as young as you feel.....keep at it.

[DTCwordfan]

the programme is awful though in parents living their dreams out through their poor kids.

[DTCwordfan]

excuse me there, wrong thread, just had some bad news as I was writing the beginning of this.

[Peter Pedant]

I think you should take this with a pinch of salt

it is pretty common for someone to think - why have I got this disease and not other people ? but I am afraid - it hits the nice and nasty in equal measure

You should be there for her ...

[peachybabe]

In all honesty, yes, I would have been hurt. Encompassing many of the previous comments, I too have had cancer (grade 3 breast cancer). I am single and have parents who are not given to being supportive. I also have a friend who is so negative in all aspects of her life that it's a wonder that I have stuck around. She is extremely draining emotionally. Your friend is obviously very down at the moment. I wasn't. I made sure that I didn't see too much of this negative friend as I didn't want her to drag me down. As much as she is a friend and needs support, you will obviously never change her general attitude to life. I gather that she's like this when she is well. I really think that you ought to assess the "friendship" as a whole, and not just be her friend Because you feel sorry for her.

[Bathsheba]

JJ,.I agree with peachybabe. Life is short, and we shouldn't surround ourselves with negative energy. If she was hard work before this, then she's certainly not going to improve. And you're not "fit as a fiddle" anyway! I would make a tactical withdrawal if it was a "friend" of mine ;)

Baths
x x x

[anneasquith]

Baths, I have to disagree, I think JJ and this lady have been friends for quite some time, don't think this is the time to end the relationship.

[peachybabe]

I also think that you should tell her that she has upset you. She's probably been like this for years because people are frightened to tell her, and she thinks she can get away with it and people will still come back. As was previously said, find a friend who appreciates you. Over the last five months I have been totally supportive to someone who was bereaved in January. A couple of weeks ago she was extremely nasty when I was late one day. I must admit that I totally lost it and in a fit of anger told her her fortune! (I have a full time job some distance away, and basically my time not at work was spent with her, to the point where I didn't even have time to do my housework for six weeks!). She was gobsmacked that I wasn't happy with her attitude and has become more understanding. Bit brutal, but I couldn't allow it to continue.

[jennyjoan]

thanks all for your nice and helpful comments. No as I said before I will never desert her - have stuck around her for the last 20 years and have dealt with her negative energy.

To be honest - for partx of the year we just have like a "phone-friendship"

She lives about 3-4 miles and owns a car and yet she has never seen Maxie or been there when Harvey died and when I had my own periods of sickness but that's okay.

No I'll be sticking around - her sister has been excellent to her but I think sister has got the brunt end of the stick too. Ta all!!!!!

[ladyalex]

I have to say that I would also have been hurt by a friend saying this to me. Certainly I would have been taken aback that she could have implied that somehow my not having cancer was related to her having it. That must take the cake for self-centredness.

I can see that she is in a very bad place at the moment and I think probably for the sake of our past years of friendship I would try very hard to continue to visit and support her (maybe not very frequently), but I doubt she could ever have the same place in my circle of friends/acquaintances after such a statement......at least not for a while.
There must have been something about her that you liked at some time, so hopefully those qualities will return when she has found some sort of peace with her present situation.

Try to put it behind you...it's all about her, not about you.

[Smowball]

I'm just curious Jenny- why have you been friends with this lady for so long if she is such hard work? What do you get out of this?

[jennyjoan]

Peachy - "find a friend who appreciates you".

I have loads of friends - maybe 10 very good friends so I can turn to.

Thank God!!!!

[jennyjoan]

Smowball - just seen your post - yes she was introduced to me at a squash club years ago and it would have been something sad about her that "intrigued" me.

For many years I was literally her only friend now she has about 2 more - I know sad.

[Smowball]

I had a friend like that - it can be draining.

[jennyjoan]

If I was with her often enough it would be draining.