How it Works3 mins ago
Need To Vent A Little
17 Answers
Father-in-law is 82, his four children are in their 50's (3 sons and a daughter)
FIL doesn't keep particularly well, but Mr alba used to go and see him a few times a day, every day for a few years. Mr Alba then got a job so I took over for a year.
Long and short is I feel daughter is alienating her siblings as she has taken over the organising of carers and meals-on-wheels and such like without any discussion with her brothers and their spouses.
Have chatted to youngest sibling and his wife and they feel the same.
We're all here to help, but she can't seem to see it. Such a shame
Moan over
FIL doesn't keep particularly well, but Mr alba used to go and see him a few times a day, every day for a few years. Mr Alba then got a job so I took over for a year.
Long and short is I feel daughter is alienating her siblings as she has taken over the organising of carers and meals-on-wheels and such like without any discussion with her brothers and their spouses.
Have chatted to youngest sibling and his wife and they feel the same.
We're all here to help, but she can't seem to see it. Such a shame
Moan over
Answers
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I wish I had someone like the daughter to help me. I have an ailing father which me and my brother take care of. But my brother just does not want to know or does anything to help. He just leaves it all to me and to say I am fed up is an understatement. My brother will see his Dad about 4 times a year and you can bet your boots he will turn up next Sunday, his last visit was xmas time!!!!
oh, ummm, that's no blooming age at all
(I know that's a cliche these days, but it's young) x
I reckon you're right about it making her feel better, she wasn't exactly a wonderful daughter when she was a young adult and put both parents through hell, so it's probly her way of making up for it.
Sharon, slap him (brother, not father)
Maybe he's put his head in the sand cos he doesn't/can't face the inevitable?
((hugs))
(I know that's a cliche these days, but it's young) x
I reckon you're right about it making her feel better, she wasn't exactly a wonderful daughter when she was a young adult and put both parents through hell, so it's probly her way of making up for it.
Sharon, slap him (brother, not father)
Maybe he's put his head in the sand cos he doesn't/can't face the inevitable?
((hugs))
Perhaps there needs to be a meeting/ discussion about ongoing care starting from the premise that it will share the load especially as more work will be needed as he ages. Seems a bit daft that everyone wants the same thing.i.e. his comfort and safety etc but can't together to organise a sharing of the work load. Talk to each other......before this advances into a family upset.
that's the thing Mally, the load was shared and she has now taken over.
Mr Alba and his younger brother had a good chat on Saturday and they both agreed that she is trying to shove her siblings out of it.
They both have long fuses and when they go off, by crikey!! you know it.
Mr Alba tried to talk to his sister on sunday and she knows what's best for dad and she's going on holiday on 30th July - oh, I could really have a rant !!
Her husband used to visit once a year, now he's there twice a day - fine, just let them carry on (so sorry for having a moan about it)
Mr Alba and his younger brother had a good chat on Saturday and they both agreed that she is trying to shove her siblings out of it.
They both have long fuses and when they go off, by crikey!! you know it.
Mr Alba tried to talk to his sister on sunday and she knows what's best for dad and she's going on holiday on 30th July - oh, I could really have a rant !!
Her husband used to visit once a year, now he's there twice a day - fine, just let them carry on (so sorry for having a moan about it)
Easy. Just get FIL to set out that everyone gets equal shares of the inheritance, regardless of how much effort they put in to look after him. That will (may) even things out.
People who don't turn up to do "caring" activities may have reasons other than being "careless", as they appear on the surface. Some of us feel clueless about what needs to be done, or know ourselves to be clumsy, or various other embarassing reasons. Should they be financially penalised for their self-assessed inabilities?
People who don't turn up to do "caring" activities may have reasons other than being "careless", as they appear on the surface. Some of us feel clueless about what needs to be done, or know ourselves to be clumsy, or various other embarassing reasons. Should they be financially penalised for their self-assessed inabilities?
Sorry alba, I was trying to rationalise the motive force behind this human dynamo and I'd reduced the options to: -
love
money
guilt (over past lack of involvement)
one-upmanship
abrupt realisation that father isn't going to live for ever and simply making the most of what time remains.
You've just eliminated the money angle so why not sit back and let her do the work? I can understand how the sense of being squeezed out is like being sacked and that would drive me up the wall too.
I apologise for suggesting the most cynical motivation first but felt it had to be said, specifically so it can be rejected as a possibility.
love
money
guilt (over past lack of involvement)
one-upmanship
abrupt realisation that father isn't going to live for ever and simply making the most of what time remains.
You've just eliminated the money angle so why not sit back and let her do the work? I can understand how the sense of being squeezed out is like being sacked and that would drive me up the wall too.
I apologise for suggesting the most cynical motivation first but felt it had to be said, specifically so it can be rejected as a possibility.
Hypognosis
High five. We must share the same cynicism.
Just let bossy boots get on with it and lay back and smoke a Hamlet or something. If bossy boots comes unstuck and needs help with her one lady quest you can just give her a sweet smile and say ,'If it all becomes too much to handle on your own there were others who managed quite ably before'! :-)
.o
High five. We must share the same cynicism.
Just let bossy boots get on with it and lay back and smoke a Hamlet or something. If bossy boots comes unstuck and needs help with her one lady quest you can just give her a sweet smile and say ,'If it all becomes too much to handle on your own there were others who managed quite ably before'! :-)
.o
Hypo, please accept my apologies.
I do go off on one at times.
He's a lovely man and all I wish for him is for him to be comfy, well cared for and looked after.
Have never really thought about inheritance until you mentioned it and I've sat and digested that, the sister is named on one of his bank accounts - co-signee or whatever you want to call it.
Once again, my apologies and thank you for your insight, very much appreciated xx
I do go off on one at times.
He's a lovely man and all I wish for him is for him to be comfy, well cared for and looked after.
Have never really thought about inheritance until you mentioned it and I've sat and digested that, the sister is named on one of his bank accounts - co-signee or whatever you want to call it.
Once again, my apologies and thank you for your insight, very much appreciated xx
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