Awful Dilemma - Dad On Holiday

[sallyann16]

This situation is stressing me so much that I can hardly bear to write it down, but I need to resolve it in my head.
I have had a chequered relationship with my dad. I am now 49, he is 84 and as agile and sharp as a man 20 years younger. He and my mum divorced when I was 3, and they have remained single - and devoid of close friends through choice and circumstance - ever since.
Dad has always been controlling and manipulative in his words and to avoid falling out with him and not speaking to him for months on end - which has happened twice over my lifetime - I pretty much do what he wants. I visit him every 5 weeks for 3 days at a time and will go along with his agenda to avoid silence and sulking, safe in the knowledge that I will soon return home to my lovely partner.
My partner and I booked a cruise last year to the Adriatic next month and last time I saw my dad he said how much he envied me this cruise and how he would've loved to have come with us. I got very flustered and drenched with guilt and asked why he didn't say at the time. He said, I can hardly invite myself on to your holiday, can I?
My sister and I have offered to take him to places he has expressed an interest in - Belfast and Poland - but he said no, no, I can't be bothered with those, I wanted to go on this cruise with you.
He has pretty much spoiled our holiday now. What do I do? Offer to take him on the same cruise next year, even though I truly do not want to spend a week away with him - or just let it wash over me? He likes my partner but again is very fussy about making sure he has time with just me, and not him, so I couldn't inflict that on my partner. And my sister can't afford a cruise or time off work.
I am so upset and angry at his manipulation and can barely think of anything else.

[dawny0311]

Hi Sallyann16 - I saw your post and just had to respond. I was in a similar situation some years back with an Aunt-in-Law. She was my late husband's aunt and, after she lost her husband, she became so controlling, she guilt tripped and manipulated my late husband on a daily basis. We couldn't handle the guilt of saying 'no'. After several years of this it eventually put a huge strain on our relationship because our leisure time (holidays and outings) always included her. We had to dig our heals in and try to encourage her to make her own friends etc. She refused and said she preferred being with us but we had to stand our ground. She never did join groups or go out to meet people but my husband and I enjoyed our time together so much more. I am glad we took that step back (as hard as it was) - because my husband died a few years later and we wouldn't have had those special times 'our special times' as memories. Sorry to be maudling but 'life is too short' to be manipulated in this way. Live 'your' life not his x

[sallyann16]

Thank you so much dawny0311 - it does help to know that others have been in this situation. I think my guilt stems from hearing quite often of adult children taking their lone, ageing parent or parents away on holiday and this is why I feel so bad that I can't bring myself to do it.
My dad and I have had several phone conversations since I posted this dilemma (our usual twice weekly calls) and he jokingly referred to a friend whose daughter and son in law was taking her on a cruise - "unlike my own daughter haha" - and to be honest I shall go down this route of laughing off his digs. I also intend to come back from our cruise and say it was lovely but we wouldn't choose to go on a cruise again. Sometimes small white lies are more useful than a fully blown row!
Thanks again dawny0311, am so pleased you got to spend such precious time with your husband.

[cassa333]

Sallyann,

He is buying your attention. Don't let him do that. By all means take the money (I would) but make it clear, even if in your own head, that it is a gift and not a bribe.

Even the best of parents mess up our heads but manipulative ones like yours do it on purpose and deliberately.

You say that when you were younger you stopped contact and you felt free. You can feel that again even while still visiting by not listening to your old self.

Ignore his emotional blackmail and visit in the spirit of three days and I'm gone.

Let him win when you are there. After all who cares if you go to Morrisons rather than Sainsburys but on issues that effect you when you leave should be about what is best for you and your family first and he only comes into it if you think it would be good for YOU.

Does he have the money to go on the sort of holidays you do? If he really wants to go on a cruise then tell him that when you get back, and if you have enjoyed it, you might consider taking him next time but of course because the cost of a cruise is pretty high it may take a few years to save for it lol

[jacpinetree17]

He knows how to press your buttons!!!! Im the same with my mother. Never a good word for me. Always pulls me down with anything i do. Thing is no one else will put up with her. You have to get a life. (im trying) Hugs jpt x

[sallyann16]

Thank you cassa333 and jacpinetree17.
Cassa333, your answer was weirdly uncanny because my dad DID like us going to Morrisons for a cuppa and has now changed it to Sainsburys! Spooky!!
But great advice to visit in the spirit of feeling free, three days and I'm outta here. Positive and really empowering thinking.
Thank you both!