She Has Commitment Issues

[HippyHarry]

I have been with my g/f for two years, engaged for six months.
She is a good, honest girl who makes me so happy in so many ways, but whenever the conversation gets around to talking about living together, she backs away emotionally and I don't know what to do.
She speaks enthusiastically about "the future", of marriage and babies but is a self confessed commitment phobe. I've learned through conversation with her that she left her first long term b/f after 6 years when he said he wanted to marry her and did the same to her last ex after 2 years when he suggested living together.
I do not know how to be in this situation, as what she says she wants and how she actually is seem to conflict heavily.
We don't row, or have many disagreements, but this is becoming an issue for me as I like to understand where I am going and she blows hot and cold quite a lot.
Her upbringing was very tempestuous and her parents had a bad relationship before separating, so I can understand hesitation or caution.
We have a loving and affectionate relationship, do so much together and can be so great, but her habit of suggesting timelines to try living together, then always moving the goalposts is not enjoyable for me.
Any ideas of how I address this nicely, suggestions of ideas that might help a cautious person to make the leap, or am I hoping for too much and being fed false promises perhaps?

Words don't always come across right when typing fast, so I hope I have been fair in my words about my g/f - she is a lovely, good, honest and faithful girl, just seemingly scared of making a leap into something that she says she really wants.

[Eleena]

Hi Harry,
how will getting married to your partner enrich what you already have? That's not in anyway a criticism by the way, just genuinely interested.

[Eleena]

Sorry, this is about living together. She's strong willed, you can't push that, I would rebel under pressure too.

[HippyHarry]

Hi Eleena, thanks for replying.
Marriage, per se, isn't the goal. I gave examples of previous scenarios that made my partner 'run' and she will freely admit in reflective moments that commitment scares her, but equally, she says it's what she wants.
A couple cannot go on forever living apart, at least, I wouldn't want too. Our situation is that the idea excites her, the reality scares her. I would love to live with her when / if she is ready and don't press the idea - she will be the one to place timelines on things and then back out. When that is gently pointed out, she recognises it and can't understand herself at times.
I guess my optimistic nature hoped that somebody here may have experienced a similar scenario and could suggest an idea that may help us to gently progress.
I'm not pushing our relationship, she will tell me all of her wishes and dreams, I buy into them, but then she withdraws when her 'dreams' could become a reality.

A good example is her saying, last October, that she wanted to live together after three months of spending more time together. We did that, spent 4-5 nights a week together at either her house or mine, she was outwardly the happiest I'd ever seen her... then she told me she'd signed a new 6 month lease on her house last week?! This is how she is and it confuses me.

[Eleena]

Then after reading that, I'd say you both want different things. I can identify with her kind of, yet I'm many years down the line married! You have to weigh up if your relationship is something worth investing your time in, years fly by.

[Eleena]

Sorry I have to go, I hope you can work things out.

[OldBather]

You have been "together" for 2 years and you are still not living together?It strikes me then that she has severe commitment problems,and even if you lessen the pressure on her, after a while something insignificant (to you) will cause her to repeat the leaving pattern as before.
You have several choices~
1.Drop any mention of marriage or living together.
2. Ask her why she backs away from marriage/living together.
3.If it's getting to you that much,then I am afraid you have to get out of a situation that is obviously disturbing you.
I realise that you feel like you are walking on eggshells,but if you don't sort things out they will only get worse for you.
Yes,you have to be sensitive to her feelings,but not at the expenses of your own.At the moment she has you on a string,and it only pulls one way.

[Eleena]

Harry, I've come back to your post on the move. Looking back over your girlfriends relationship history including your own, she's clocked up 10 years of this. Is she going to change after that period of time? Sad thing is, I can imagine breaking up would make both of you really sad.

[Old_Geezer]

Sounds like she is moving in the direction you hope for anyway. So she renewed her lease and krpt open the option of keeping the status quo for a while yet. Since she hasn't already moved in with you you that seems expected. Were I you, aware of her track record, I'd avoid pushing too hard.

Meanwhile I disagree that a committed couple can't want their own space and live some time apart. It is the authorities that have not caught up with modern society and keep unjustifiable privileges for those who are married or live at one address.

[Old_Geezer]

KEPT

Like I typed !

[Whoever]

Has your girlfriend ever had counselling to understand what her lack of commitment is caused by? One can understand these may be partly caused by her family background but it also sounds as if she wants to have her cake and eat it. If you are unhappy with the current arrangement, and you seem to have been together for long enough now to know whether you're compatible in other ways, I would suggest starting to suggest some timetables for moving forward. If she really can't wholeheartedly go along with them, then I think she's probably playing for time and maybe a trial separation will help her, and you decide whether this relationship is going to work long term