I Have A Problem

[queenofmean]

Please move this if it's not in the right bit.

A close friend of mine is going through a hellish break up and I'm doing my damndest to help.

We are both very similar, we can laugh together, have serious chats etc, but apparently we are both quite stubborn. 95% percent of the time I'll go as far as I can with with the conversations we have right now the remaining 5 I back off as I don't want to lose my cool and say something I may regret and then run the risk they will have lose me too.

I know they are struggling, who wouldn't. They are making plans, that ok I don't agree fully with but I am trying to think outside the box and in the long run and giving them a compromise but I feel like their mind is set.

Is there anything I can do to help while I may not be able to change their mind but other than just being there. I want to do as much as I can to support this person as they mean so much to me but I feel like I'm going round in circles sometimes. Things were ok for about 10 days until the last few days it's all broken down.

I understand break ups are very difficult but I want to prove or make sure they can get through this. While I know it won't be easy I want to be there as much as I can.

[FinnyMick]

Not your problem, best advice, walk away. Be supportive by all means

[Tilly2]

I think that sometimes all you can do is make a cup of tea, provide a box of tissues and sit and listen, actively listen.

[Mamyalynne]

Sounds like you've done your best up to now, simply add that you'll always be there to listen.

It is up to them how they deal with it in the end.

[andy-hughes]

The best advice is - if you are not absolutely certain that what you are saying is going to be really helpful, then say nothing at all.

The best support is listening - being a sounding board while your friend puts complex emotional thought processes into words, and in doing so, starts to formulate solutions and plans moving forward.

You are not responsible for sorting this out - being a friend is about support, which is not the same as answers.

Be available to listen, be honest if asked, and only if asked, and otherwise, don't let it take over your life, which helps no-one.

[andy-hughes]

I cross-posted with the two previous posters to me - it seems we agree with the best way forward.

[Zacs-Master]

'They are making plans, that ok I don't agree fully with'

if you don't say what they are, then it's difficult to advise whether you're giving the right advice.

[queenofmean]

Finny - I know it it's my problem. My problem was how to handle the situation better. I can't walk away. They were there when I needed picking up. But I will support them in the best way possible.

Thank you Tilly, Mamya and Andy.

They put on a front when are around people so I can't really do the tea and tissues, but I will listen.

Thank you though. It's cleared that wee haze in my mind a little.

[queenofmean]

Zac - I don't want to give away too much but one way, work visas and abroad are front runners.

[Mamyalynne]

It's often easy to get too sucked in then later if things don't go smoothly it was your guidance at fault, take a step back.

[Zacs-Master]

Are you sure your advice in preventing her from going to live abroad is in her best interests, or would you just miss her?

[dunnitall]

Agree with Mamyalynne ..walk away but be there for the fall out....

[queenofmean]

I often won't talk about it unless they bring it up, so I tend not to delve too far in, unless I need to.

Well I would miss them Zac that's a given but it's heck of a jump to move so far away and start a fresh and not know the place or people etc. I mean what if it doesn't work out? What if it's not what you thought it was going to be like? That's what worries me most while they are in a vulnerable state now how vulnerable could they be later if it doesn't pan out there either.

I guess I'm too practical and I could be over thinking things, but this came up from mutual friends we have.

[woofgang]

If they are grown up, then you can’t stop them and, as you have realised, if you say the wrong thing you may alienate them for good. Its very hard to do tea and tissues and say nowt but that is what a good friend is for.

[dunnitall]

QoM it is NOT ur problem. You can help with words of kindness...you may help with saying you support....but IMO...life is planned and no matter what is said or suggested, the course will be 'as planned'. Advise, be kind and offer help but stand back and 'listen'. For me ....you are over thinking... Nice to offer advice but please believe me, the person will do exactly what they want. It is planned.....just support.

[queenofmean]

Thanks Woofgang, so many times I've had to restrain myself from saying something I've wanted to. It's hard when you and the person are very alike, I now know how people feel when they get into a debate or deep conversation with me.

Thank you for all your help though folks means a lot.