Abortion- how far gone can you have one?

[sair5412]

Before I start, I realise that this may be a very sensitive subject for some people and I hope I do not offend or upset anyone. I have just heard that a girl I know had an abortion when she was 5 months pregnant. I was told that at first no-one would do this for her so her parents took her to somewhere in London where she had to give birth to the baby but it was not born alive. I am very shocked at this and quite distressed if I am honest. How long can you leave it and where would she have had this done? Is it legal? Is she safe? I just don't know what to think and I am finding it quite hard to take in. I understand people have their own reasons for abortion and I am not starting a debate on pro or anti abortion, I just wonder if anyone has heard of anything like this before?

[enigma]

No need to apologise Sair. You asked a valid question and after all , that is the very ethos of Answerbank. Poor you. It's the kind of situation which can tear a family apart but I totally agree with Goodsoulette. It's done now and although you may undoubtedly be grieving for what may have been , it was your family member's decision and she obviously felt that it was the right thing for her to do so all that you can do now is try to support her as best you can. I appreciate that given how you feel this may prove difficult but it is so very important that your family member is supported at what must be a very difficult time for her right now and the last thing she needs is condemnation. You may not be able to speak to certain members of your family regarding this issue - especially if loyalties are divided on whether it was the right./wrong decision to make but you always have your extended family right here on AB and we are always here to listen anytime you want. Take care x

[sair5412]

I don't know if I can. I don't know how I feel about it. On one hand I feel angry with her and on the other I feel that she must be deeply traumatised by it. All I can picture is a dead baby boy and I can't get it out of my head. Why couldnt she keep him? I think I know why. I think, because she has always been compared to me and how I wasnt very successful at college and didn't hold down a job very well and was quite moody through my teens. And she was the same and it was always commented on. Then I went on to have a baby and become a single mother, I worry that she has been determined not to end up a cloned failure of me. She hasnt liked me since I had my baby and every time I have tripped up in life she has enjoyed it because it made her look better. I just feel that this is my fault somehow. I can't explain it. She is a very hard person and I don't believe for one minute that this hasnt broken her heart, but I just can't get over it. She doesnt know I know and i wish I didnt now because I am just so shocked. I am sorry but I don't think I can feel pity for her. Am I a terrible person for thinking like this?

[enigma]

Part 1 : Poor you. I can see that it has really affected you deeply and I do not want to seem as if I am belittling your emotions by telling you to 'forget' about it or sweep it under the carpet but in a way , this is what you have to do. Just as you feel justified in your anger/hurt/confusion your family member has the right to her emotions and I am sure that she must have given this decision a degree of thought before she decided toplough ahead. Ultimately , she has made her decision and hard as it is for you to deal with , you must move on - for your own sanity. Yes, it was tragic - that little tot could have had a fair crack at life but it wasn't meant to be. You mustn't torture yourself with thoughts of what may have been and the fact that he was a boy. Focusing on the gender of the child only creates an image in your mind and that's a dangerous road to go down because then it will eat you up inside and you have to stay strong for YOUR little boy. I am sure that you are a fantastic mother and you shouldn't put yourself down so much.I feel that you are being too hard on yourself -something which is reflected in your negative comments about yourself. So what if you are bringing up your child alone ? Well done you. Pat on the back for doing a difficult job which even those of us with partners find extremely tiring and emotionally draining at times. The fact that you can cope independantly is credit to you girl.

[enigma]

Part 2 : So what , you didn't always make the right decision. How many of us HAVEN'T made a mistake at some point in our life ? If anyone says that they have lived a life without mistakes then they are either lying , or haven't lived. It's how we learn from these mistakes and move on which shapes us into better ,wiser individuals and it is our mistakes which make us inherrently human. If your family member really revels in your misery (which may not be the case - maybe your interpretation of it if you feel a bit low ?) then this says more about her as a person. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. Can you talk to your mum or another family member close to you about how you feel ?

[sair5412]

No, I can't talk to my mum about it as I have been told in confidence before by another family member, that she has had 2 abortions amongst myself and my brother. I was told this whilst recovering from an ectopic pregnancy that nearly killed me. That was the reason why my mum couldnt comfort me and didn't want to talk about it with me. I can't talk to anyone in the family about it. I will talk to one of my friends about it who I know will keep it to herself. All my family knew about my ectopic and kept it a big secret as it was embarrassing that I had got pregnant before marriage (and I didnt even manage to get pregnant properly!) I told people about it though because I was not ashamed. That was my baby that I failed to keep safe inside my own body and I would not ignore that fact that I had been pregnant with a little person inside me. Then I got pregnant by accident with my son a year later (with the same boyfriend). How could I not keep him? I know I am a good mum to him and I am very proud of how he is turning out. I have been told by my family that I am 'lucky' to have such a good boy. Personally, I wouldnt put it down to 'luck', but there you go! The family member who has been through the terrible experience always has a go at me if I go out and leave my son with his nanny. She once asked me (in the pub) where he was. I told her, at his nanny's house. Then she said with narrowed eyes "out of sight, out of mind?" How can she say that to me after what she has.... done? I just don't want to see her as I can't feel anything but coldness coming from her soul and it is stronger than ever now. Thanks so much for letting me rant! I really needed to as I couldnt talk to anyone else last night!!

[Ms.Hijinx]

wow sair sounds like you have been through it i am so sorry to hear of your troubles i hope everything works out for all of you i just wanted to say that i didnt know i was pregnant with my son, they told me in the june when i went to the docs that i wasnt menstruating cos i wasnt ovulating so if i wanted kids i would have to have fertility treatment, then they told me on 11th december you will have a baby the end of april which was a shock i had no sickness, no weightgain and thought my tum was getting tighter due to exercise i was doing so it can happen that you dont know but must admit although kids had never been part of my life plan im glad i have him he is my shining star and my daughter is my angel. you are in my thoughts i wish you all the best