falling in love with your best friend?

[elpea]

Has anyone ever managed to stay friends with a friend they've ended up getting too intimate with? Over the past few months I've spent time with a close male friend - (I've known for years, and we were flatmates, we have a great friendship and trust each other implicitly - we've had a bit of flirtation before, but nothing more that that.) The problem is we've let our relationship move on to a different level (albeit at first after a night of too many beers) - we're now physically and emotionally very close. Trouble is I'm feeling more and more attracted to him, but we're never going to be a couple. I'm really attracted to my friend, and often can't get him out of my head. I know we're not going to be a couple, so I don't want to risk losing his friendship by being really up-front with my feelings, as I think he'll be worried if I tell him what's really on my mind... but then that's not honest. Argh! My instinct is to continue and see what happens, but then I think maybe I'm asking for trouble... I don't want to get into anything too heavy as I finished with a 9year relationship almost a year ago, and I'm still settling my life down and getting used to being single. But then I over heard someone at work talking about being on the 'rebound' and it made me wonder, is that what I'm doing?

[Lonnie]

Hi elpea, its a case of 'Nothing ventured, noththing gained', but I understand your predicament.

Also, is he involved with anyone at the present time?, if he's not, and I suspect he's probably, secretly, held a torch for you for a very long time, and not saying anything in case he gets rebuffed.

All or nothing, or leave things as they are, your choice, but if you leave it, you'll nrver know.

[angel-cake]

Firstly - you are not on the rebound after one year. Even if you were, there is nothing to say you cannot fall in love with someone you rebound into!

I have been friends with a guy for four years. We have kissed in the past but nothing more. I came out of a long term relationship earlier this year and told my friend I liked him more than just as a friend. He said he didnt think we were suited, but we are still friends. Now it seems he wants more and I dont!!!! But we are still friends and plan to stay that way.

There are no rules. You have to make situations work for you if you want them to.

[clarebear86]

how do u know that you are never going to be a couple? he could be thinking and feeling exactly the same as you but is worried about your reaction.

i know its easier than it sounds but i would just tell him how you feel else you may regret it and always wonder what if.

i used to have a thing with a friend 3 years ago that turned physical i wanted more but he didn't and then when i eventually got a boyfriend he changed his mind but we are still really close and i would never not want him as my friend so it can work out where you can still be friends even if he doesn't feel the same.

good luck

clare xx

[Roki282]

hey
i 2 fell in love with my best friend. Ive known him since we were 6 n were were best friends throught all of school and collage. Then 2 years ago things changed and we began to get closer and we fell in love with each other. Like you i was terrified of what i was getting myself into. I didnt want to ruin our friendship and for about 6 months i fought it. But it was agonising and you shoudnt do it to yourself. If the feelings are there then you should go for it.
I eventually gave in and stoped fighting and its the best thing ive ever done. We are still together n i feel 10 times closer to him than i did when we were friends.
anyways.... dont worry about your friendship. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith right? otherwise you will always be wondering....wot if?
tell him your feelings.
:)

[elpea]

hi guys...
thanks for the advice - I was a bit scared of looking at this today, thinking 'oh no, what have i said!!'... but you've all had something valid and good to say. Seems I should really get things out there and off my chest. I won't get the chance til next week cos I've got to go to a (dreaded) family wedding this weekend, but I'll let you know how it goes if you like.

He's not involved with anyone, he was in a relationship for 4 years that ended about 18 months ago. I was friends with his ex as well... more complications!

I think I'm wary of admitting I'm getting into something with someone... and maybe a bit sketched out I'm doing it with someone I know well, and not a new 'fresh' person! It's just weird cos when I split from my long-term partner the last thing I was thinking of was getting it on with anyone. And many of my other friends (who don't know the full details of what's been going on with this relationship) advise me I should be on my own for a while after being so committed to someone else for so long, which I kinda agree with. But then, how long is 'a while'?!

I'm just so unsure of anything, but this is making me feel like a liar.
phew, life's never straightforward huh?!

[lucy @murray]

Hi there,
I think that you should go with your heart and not your head.
If you are that close then you should be able to talk about this without it going wrong.
What makes you thnk that you won't become a couple?
If you don't want to get heavy tell him so, if you just want a bit of fun and cuddles tell him so.
I have just come out of a seven year relationship and was due to get married next August and I have just realised after all these years that I have to tell people what I really do nad don't want.
I just want to have a cuddle and squeeze every now and then and nothing more.
Be true to yourself honey and go for what you want, you might be suprised.
Good luck and let me know how you get on
lucy

[Hellion]

I had a relationship that started like this, eventually I decided to tell him how I really felt about him.....we've now been together for 20 years and married for 13!!!!
Most people on here who have had long successful relationships will tell you that being friends is the glue that holds a relationship together, particularly through difficult times. Why are you not going to be a couple? Sounds like your made for each other

[elpea]

thanks so much for your advice... it's really heartening to hear different opinions! Maybe my friends are just happy to see me out of my past relationship, I don't know. I think I'm worried that if I get it together with my friend and then we end up splitting up I've wasted a great friendship for the sake of a bit of the other or something like that. But then if I don't try it I'll never know! And like some of you say, it could be the best thing ever...
thanks again

[elpea]

well... on wednesday night he turned up at my flat, quite drunk... he rambled on about how we shouldn't see each other, that it was doing his head in, and he wouldn't be in touch for a while. He just came out with all this stuff... and I didn't really know what to do, so I just listened. When he asked what I thought, I said there wasn't much I could do as it seemed he'd made his mind up, he'd given me no option. He prompty passed out on the sofa, so I let him be and I went to bed. Next morning we were both a bit late for work so there was no time to talk. I decided that I would leave him to it, not phone or text him. I couldn't decide what to do, and had all these situations running round my head. Anyway, he phoned after work, and asked if he could come over and cook dinner, and make up for being such an idiot and apologise. It ended up being a fabulous evening.

At the same time, should I take seriously what he said whilst under the influence? He does remember most of it, but said he was being drunk and dramatic.