Exit Strategy

[diacmac]

Me and my wife are pretty miserable with each other, but because we never communicate we are sort of drifting along silently without doing anything in either direction. We've been together nearly 20 years and in that time, although we have 2 kids, have never had an intimate conversation about anything sexual. I know that's not such a big deal but it does reflect on how open you can be about other things, even seeing something a bit racy on the TV leads to a bit of an embarrassed silence. I used to be thinking it would be great to reenact some of this stuff, without actually saying anything, but now it just frustrates me that it doesn't touch either of us. We don't have any common interests, shared values or work ethics / ambitions so there is very little keeping us together. I've suggested marriage counselling a couple of times but she doesn't want to talk about any issues to strangers. The divorce word has been raised a few times but that just gets her upset with her saying she doesn't want to lose me and so on. I do believe her, but have no idea why as I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me very much and know she has no attraction towards me. However, we do have 2 kids who are just teenagers and neither of us would want to do anything to affect them now they're getting close to exams etc. We also run a full-time business together from home so are tied together in that respect as well. We're so distant already it doesn't seem like too much a stretch to move into separate rooms and wait it out until the kids go to uni, has anybody done something similar to planning a future parting date? Any other suggestions to improve the situation also welcomed!

[spathiphyllum]

It's good to think of the kids first as that is your obligation for bringing them into the world. It's only right you both try put up with the lack of love at least until kids are at uni / 18

before you got together, have either of you had any long term relationships before hand? IE 3 years + ?

Sounds like you're both scared of commitment, not only to each other but to your personal futures.

[ummmm]

Bite the bullet and speak to her. Tell her how you feel.

[ummmm]

Spath - it makes no sense to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids!

[diacmac]

I think it's a small sacrifice to put the kids first, I guess it's a choice between their happiness and mine and I definitely wouldn't have any kind of contentment knowing I'd left such a mess behind. Apart from that, I really don't want to leave the kids.
She's aware of how unhappy I am with things but she's either in total denial or isn't bothered.
We got together when we were 20, I'd had a couple of girlfriends but I was her first partner. We were best friends for a couple of years before we got married but that was all a bit stressful due to our cultural differences.

[Sqad]

You have 3 choices:
1) get a mistress.......that is not such a bad idea as people may think.
2)Bite the bullet and tell her you want a divorce.
3)Live with her and regret it forever.

Your decision, but make sure that you have another suitable woman in tow, before you do so.

[spathiphyllum]

"Spath - it makes no sense to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids!"

Depends how much you care for your kids, and how much a united family means to them whilst they're young.

[ummmm]

My parents split when I was 8. It didn't effect my happiness growing up.

[spathiphyllum]

And life is subjective and situational... Each family is different, as is each childs perception.

[ummmm]

Yes...and you don't actually have the full details. Being unhappy in a household has negative effects on everyone living there.

[spathiphyllum]

It depends if it's a hostile environment, or just a dull one. The love between mum and dad may not affect the kids, they may not even realise.

[ummmm]

I'd guess they do. When I left my ex it was like a weight had lifted off the kids shoulders.

[diacmac]

I think the environment is definitely more dull and uncommunicative than hostile, there's never any argument about anything, just passing silence. Things are a lot different when the kids are home.
A mistress sounds good, working from home though I never have any opportunity to meet people and I can't say I have any desire for another woman at the moment!

[pastafreak]

Spath, kids are aware of a LOT. Sometimes before the adults are willing to admit to difficulties.

[spathiphyllum]

It's something only diacmac can know for sure, or at least understand.

We've no idea of the ins and outs.

[Sqad]

Well, from what you have added, it sounds like a normal marriage to me and I would "stick" for the moment, particularly as sex and other women seem not to be an issue for you.
One of the problems of a marriage is that one quickly falls out of "love" and the two participants,just get used to each other.....repetition, same old, same old.
Reassess the situation in another two years or when someone more "appropriate" comes on the scene.

[pastafreak]

Err...how do you suggest they spice things up, when they barely speak to each other?

[Old_Geezer]

There's a main part of the issue. They need to make the effort to start talking to each other, first. Might improve the relationship/atmosphere.

[spathiphyllum]

Pasta, maybe start, like.. Speaking ab it more? Going to new places?

When a couple submerges themselves into a new experience, they instantly have common ground to communicate on. In some cases it can push them together, showing how comfortable and safe they feel with eachother.

If you think you can be truly be head over heals in love with someone for your entire life, and find them overly interesting every day then you've been watching too many Disney movies. In my opinion, being together is simply that. Sharing a life for good and for bad. Not getting bored and trying to find a new fling. That's not commitment.