Feelings Towards The Death Of A Parent

[nailit]

Maybe should go in B&S, but not after advice or sympathy, just a general discussion.

When my dad died 19 yrs ago, I felt very little in the time leading up to his death. I knew he was dieing but my thoughts (and actions) were directed towards the practical...making him comfortable, taking care of his last wishes etc. Even on the day of his funeral I remember looking out of the funeral car and thinking what a lovely sunny day it was while everyone else was crying. I felt little emotion at his funeral, my main concern was comforting my mum.
(it hit me a few weeks afterwards)

Now my mum is in hospital in palliative care. Spent 13 hrs in A&E yesterday with her b4 she was transferred to a cancer ward. Still doing tests etc but not looking promising. Still don't know how long she has...days, weeks, months? but its apparent that she is at the end of her life.
My emotions are completely different with my mum than they were with my dad. Im crying as I type this (please...no sympathy posts, she hasn't gone yet.!!!)

Just wondered why the difference?
I was quiet Stoic with my dads passing but my mums imminent demise is something that Im finding difficulty with.
Is it an age thing? (I was obviously younger when my dad passed)
Is it a gender thing? (sons and mums and girls and dads)
Something else?

Just wondered why the difference in emotions when losing parents.
Thanks.

[ummmm]

I was completely and utterly devastated when my dad died. I think though that watching him die has made more compassionate but also harder at the same time.

[carolegif]

My mother had Alzheimer’s so when she died it was a relief for her. I had lost her way before she went. Four months later my father died (he was lost without her)and I was much more affected, perhaps because he died quickly. I did not have a very close relationship with him as friends did with their fathers and it took me by surprise.

[bodeker]

I can identify with Mamyalyne I think , I broke my heart when my dad passed , Mother had another partner, I hated my Mother at the time plus I was a Daddy's girl although I had moved away from home and did not see a lot of him . When my mother died 30 years on I did not cry at the time , went home and arranged funeral with my brother who also had bad relationship with Mother . It was a few weeks before I cried but I knew I was crying because I was missing a relationship I never had with my Mother. Sorry Mamyalyne if that strayed from your point :)

[237SJ]

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2028665/I-lost-I-lost-mum-One-woman-lays-bare-agony-mother-s-death.html

[Peter Pedant]

why the difference ?
because they are different people ....

[Cloverjo]

I can only go by what I've experienced. My mum died from cancer 4 years ago and while I was upset and wish she were still here I wasn't devastated. She and my dad had had a horrible time with her illness and it was a kind of a relief went she went peacefully.
I think it will be different when my dad goes as that will be the end of both of them as my parents and rock.

I wish you all the best, nailit.

[pastafreak]

23 years separated my dad's and mum's deaths. My dad died in '69. Oral cancer and it was fast but it wasn't very nice. My relationship with him had not been good since my adolescence and I was very protective of my mum. He never hurt her, he was just a *** sometimes. I don't remember taking it particularly hard...maybe as it was expected.
My mum had a stroke and was ok for a month. Then a second stroke. We had to make very quick plans to get to the States...but we were not in time. The last time I'd seen my mum was in January of the same year...the day my sister died. My mum's death hit me like a ton of bricks...I can still see and hear in my head events of that period. She is the one I mourned the most...for months it seemed.

[237SJ]

I ended up on Citalopram when my Mum died. My job (thank god for that) was the only thing that kept me going. I suffered really badly for about 2 years. I still have bad days but as my Mum used to say "You can't live by the dead" When you lose someone that you are close to, you have to keep busy and be with people as much as possible.

[retrocop]

I'm with sqad here. I lost much of my emotions dealing too many times with other peoples deaths.
I hated my father who was a bully to my mother,sister and I.
For some reason my mother was scared of her husband but doted on him like a lackey and said little to stop the violent bullying he meted out to his children.
When my father died I would of been happy to dance on his grave and as my mother still mourned his death,God knows why, into her 90's I wasn't too sad to see her go either.

[237SJ]

^That's quite sad

[Theland]

There's no doubt about it love conquers all. Give love wherever and however you can, which includes forgiveness, and you enrich yourself.

[Mamyalynne]

I have at times envied those for whom grief isn't a searing painful stranglehold - but then when you learn some of the back stories that envy slips away.x

[nailit]

Thanks for all replies guys. All very insightful and helpful. Thank you.

[hereIam]

I was exactly the same as you nailit, I coped much better with my Dad's death even though I loved him very, very much. Then when Mum died only 14 months later and suddenly, I didn't cope at all and went through my own personal hell and I also started grieving afresh for Dad. I know the reason why, when Dad died, I still had Mum in my life and she needed me so I was there for her and that's how I coped. Then she went and my world came tumbling down as it hit me hard that I had lost them both. Just over two and three years ago and I am nowhere near done grieving. Sorry to hear about your Mum.

[spathiphyllum]

This may not help, and i'm sure you know but.. I feel every situation will be different. Yep, girl boy comes into it and mum/dad kind of thing, and yep, age, and mainly mental state difference will 100% affect things.

In fact, i bet you're not in the same mental state / place as you were 19 years ago?

[Peter Pedant]

we had discussed death so often that my mothers death was no surprise -
and yet my brother was stuck in the first stage ( denial - I cant believe she is dead - I think I will walk into a room and see her knitting ) for two years !

[Calicogirl]

I think though some people are such huge personalities and parts of your life Pete that some people find it hard to realise they are dead (possibly ever). I know my Mum's father died 10 years ago and she still says she can't believe it, she's peaceful about it but it doesn't seem real t her I know x

[ummmm]

Same as my dad Calico. I'm still not over it.

[shaneystar2]

My dad died 47 years ago and my Mum 25 years ago but I can still get tearful about it .Oh how I've wished my parents were still alive over the years when life was sometimes a b.itch.
My sister in law died three years ago .Her and my brother had been married a few years short of sixty years and he cannot accept it and I don't think he ever will now.He still signs all cards for Christmas ,birthday etc in both their names.

[tonyav]

I found it hard to grieve for my dad, he was the sort of man that would have seen that as a sign of weakness anyway. He was a hard man in every way. When mom died (1998) I was devastated, I think of her most days.