disowned

[mnko]

my dad disowned me and my 3 sisters when he found a new wife. do u think i should get in touch with him? he physically abused me as a child? i have just looked him up on the net and know where he lives now? im now 32 with kids of my own. he has 5 children but only claims he has 1. he was asked when he was interviewed to become a councellor how many children he has and the answer he said was one? me and my 3 sisters are his him and my mum was married for 14 years. my heads pickled.

[atolhurst]

what do you think you should do?

As much as lots of people can give you advise on what they would do, we don't know how you feel about the situation- we weren't there after all.

perhaps talk to your sisters about it and see how they feel?

[spanner7853]

thats really sad. I know what i'd do and i wouldnt give him the satisfaction of finding him. but like atolhurst said only you can decide. if your life is going to be filled with whatif's then do it but think about yourself.

good luck in whatever you decide. x

[China Doll]

I'm not sure mnko, I think you would have to really look at the reasons why you would contact him. Are you looking for answers? revenge? for him to be a father?

If you're looking for answers chances are he won't give them. If you're looking for revenge then you need to think about your kids and if you're looking for him to become a good father then it doesn't look good if he only says he has one child.

I can't offer any advice to you, I've never been in this situation and have no idea how you feel but it might be helpful to write some stuff down on paper. Just make sure you really think of the reasons for getting in touch.

Good luck sweetie xx

[yinyang]

I agree that only you can make that choice. However do remember that letting your father back into your life - that's assuming that he wants to be part of it - will now not only affect you but your children as well. Do you want him to be a part of their life or is there a chance he could end up hurting them too. I don't mean physically but by coming into their life and leaving it again.
Whatever you decide to do I hope it works out for you.X

[noxlumos]

My Dad physically abused me very badly when I was little and died when I was seven but I had a realy awful relationship with my mother who had literally stood there and watched him do it until I realised that this had a huge amount of power over me and decided to take it back by confrotning her with it. I think if you do go and seek him out, then you must do so with absolutely no pre-concieved ideas about what's going to happen and no expectations. It needs to be a reassertion of yourself and that's all. If anything pleasant comes of it then so much the better but don't expect that as I think it's unlikely. People really don't like being presented with the bad things they've done in the past and if he's now turned over a new leaf he'll be wanting to forget he was ever that person. Only you can decide what you need to do, but don't build up your hopes and if you do go, stay calm. Hope you find the right path.

[andy-hughes]

By the time my father left my mother for another woman, I was twenty-four, but already psychologically damaged for life by my upbringing.

I thought many times of contacting him and looking for some sort of explanation, or to understand him now that I was a father as well, but I never did, so maybe deep down I didn't really want to.

When he died, he left instructions that my two sisters, my mum and I were not to be notified of his death until after his cremation - I don;t know if he imagined we would all turn up to weep / dance on his grave.

I don't regret my inaction, I am OK to go forward and deal with my demons, sure that it wouldn't have helped to try and see what made himn the way he was.

I can only say - think of your dad as dying tomorrow. Would you regret not having seen and talked to him? I don't - you might.. Put yourself in the situation, look at your heart's reaction, and go ahead with what it tells you.

Listen to everyone's advice, take none except your own.

[vehelpfulguy]

I would say DO NOT contact him.

For whatever reason he is acting as though none of you ever existed, so I do not think he will take kindly to a phone call or you turning up on his doorstep.

There may be all sorts of reasons why he has disowned you, and meeting him might just open a can of worms.

I do not think he is ever going to be the father you may dream of, and there is a danger if you do meet him your anger may come to the surface and it will end in disaster.

I would just pretend in your mind that he has died and try to move on.

Not easy but try.

I had a terrible relationship with my father so do have some sympathy, but he never changed right up until he did die, so you just have to get on with life.

[petes_dragon]

Hey hun,

I have to agree with everyone else - its ultimately your decision.

Only you know how you feel - do you have a particular reason why you want to meet him again, if you want him to explain himself or to suddenly cange then you may be disappointed. But, if you want to confront him, and tell him how your feel (regarless of his reaction) then do it!

Good Luck

A xXx

[naz_nomad]

If he abused you as a child ... call the Police

[crete]

what a dreadful dilema you have, my first instinct is to say no way should you contact him, but i wonder why you would want to have any contact with him again,and only you can answer that question. good luck

[tiggergirlkr]

I would contact the authority who interviewed him for a job as a councellor and ask them if they really want a child abuser in their employ!

You sound like you have your own trust issues with him - you say he disowned you, rather than he left you - disown is a much stronger word - it sounds like there is too much resentment for you to get in touch.

You only get one father, I know, but I feel that following his actions towards you over the years he doesn't deserve the priveledge of having you and your children in his life.

[suzi-q]

My ex husband has also disowned my 2 teenage boys through no fault of their own. I dont know how this will end up affecting them in the future but I feel that while he is so twisted, bitter and vengeful they are better off without him in their lives.

I am afraid of the damage he could do to them emotionally if they ever do try and rebuild a relationship with him.

The thing is, you have done nothing to deserve this but you are having to deal with the emotional pain of it which obviously does not go away over the years. Does your mum know you have thought about contacting him and how does she feel about it?

I have told my boys that if they wish to contact their father that is fine with me but secretly really I hate the idea.

As some of the other answers have said, do you want to make peace with him or confront him with what hes done in the past? I dont think you can ever change the way these people think. In my ex's case he thinks he is right at all times and only sees the world through his eyes and how anything affects him. If your dad is like that then he will never change. Hope I am not being too biased!!

Maybe you just need to be grateful for the life you have built for yourself with your own loving family and make the most of that, drawing strength and comfort from the love of those around you.