AG - I didn't know (though perhaps I should have guessed) that your relationship with your mum was tricky. If it's any help - mine once threw a carving-knife at me (she missed and it stuck in the door) :) and my younger daughter is currently spitting feathers at me and relegating me to the 'untouchable' caste. I loved and love them both dearly - and they loved and love me.
To other aspects; I and many of us have suffered from depression, helplessness, self-loathing, you name it & I've been there - including steering my car at a tree and pressing the accelerator. I'm still here and it hasn't been very easy at times. Trapped and isolated with an abusive partner shook and very, very nearly stripped my self-belief - but I won through in the end. You are loved and appreciated - start from there; we're not all wrong. :) x