I feel betrayed :-(

[suzi-q]

My son is 16. When he was 12/13 his dad and I divorced. My ex behaved apallingly (verbally and emotionally abusive) to me and my two boys. He disowned them and has not seen them since even ignoring them in the street.

I got married and my new husband and I have provided a pretty good home to the boys and struggled financially in doing so. Also we've provided a structure and basically been there totally for them even though its been hard.

My ex was initially extremely abusive to the boys sending so many foul text messages my elder son ended up going to the police and he was given a caution. he has since been in court for bashing up his new wife.

Anyway following a row about of all things, using all the milk, last week my 16 yr old son stormed out and unbeknown to us went round to his dads for the evening.
He has since been there at every opportunity and has even told him that I wont let him go to a party which is in a town about 2 hrs car journey away and where he wants to stay the night with some girl he met on the internet. Apparently his father has come up with ways to get round my ruling.

On one level I know its probably better for my son to have a relationship with his father but I feel so hurt and betrayed. It seems like no matter how badly you behave its ok and Ive been feeling guilty for putting them through the divorce!!!

[Champagne]

Hi suzi. It's an awful situation to be in and I don't blame you for feeling betrayed. It's easy for your ex to dish out advice for his son when he doesn't have to mentor him 24/7. He probably feels he's being a responsible parent too and feeling smug about it.

Unfortunately there's very little you can do about the situation without being seen as angry or bitter. Your 16 year old has to make his own mind up about his father, and he's at that age where he's going to go against your every decision. I would suggest that you take a step back and leave your son to find out about life in his own way, only stepping in when he needs your help.

Whenever issues involve your ex it is always going to stir up old emotions, so it's hard to be neutral. But I really think it would benefit you to steer clear of any involvement, even when there is steam coming out of your ears! Best of luck.

[silverdaler]

oh suzi - i feel for you. our kids are so fickle, and the saying that ' when they are little they break your arms, when they are bigger they break your hearts' is so true at times.
i had a similar experience in that when my son was growing up his dad, who left us when my son was 7, could not be bothered at all. He never saw him, never took him out, never sent a birthday or xmas card etc. when i tried to tell him that he would regret what he was missing, he simply told me in an arrogant way that his son would always want him.
Lo and behold, as soon as he is old enough to be 'useful' - he wants him back in his life and there is nothing i can do about it.
It is painful, but i am confident that he knows that i love him enough to stand back and let him do what makes him happy, as long as he is safe.
i know that deep down hw will always remember who was there for him in his times of need, and who will always be there for him no matter what.
At 16 your son is still immature, vulnerable and probably gullible. Children are fiercely loyal to their parents - his dad is probably his hero now. Maturity will help him see things clearer one day. In the meantime, its hard going.
Just be there for him, dont play into your ex's hands.
sorry i cant be of any help.
xx