What is going on with my relationship?

[Halifaxmum]

We have been together for 5 years - lived together for just over 2, lived separately since then, but still "together".

I've had quite a tough time these last couple of years, and have depression amongst other problems, the net result is that I have no desire to have sex at all. My partner had quite a high sex drive and a colleague at work who is very keen on her.

We talked last week and I told her that I have no sex drive and that she should find it elsewhere as I knew it made her unhappy. She has now done this (with the work colleague), but still says she loves me? They go out together, to the cinema, for coffee - surely our relationship as it was, is over?

I'm thinking we're now just friends and I don't want to say ily, but she seems to want to have me and the colleague as well. I gave her my old car and still pay the insurance on it for her.

I know this sounds a mess, I don't have anyone I can talk to, so I thought my AB friends might have some advice?

TIA x

[Halifaxmum]

Thanks ummm, your comments have really resonated with me x

[ummmm]

You're more than welcome, and I wish you all the best x

[murraymints]

Frst of all you need to do something about your own condition...don't hang on to something that,s not there anymore....give yourself some space for a while....after a bit of time you may feel better about the situation...we all have friends that we don't see for months at a time....you need to let go and move on.giveyourself a chance to find happiness again and you wont if this drags on making you sad and confused...good luck

[rowanwitch]

A relationship losing its sexual component is often reported in lesbian relationships ... sometimes known as 'bed death' the relationship can be great on many levels but sex doesn't happen any more it is possible the relationship goes on quite happily as a loving companionship But this doesn't sound like it. HM already seems to have a lowish sex drive add depression to that and it can switch off altogether... With the addition of a third party it sounds like it may well be time to pull away and maybe in time you can all be friends. Seen that a lot in the circle I used to belong to everyone seemed to get on very well with everyones exes..(eventually) First priority is get some proper help with the depression and decide what is right for you... I wish you well but sounds like its going to be a difficult few months or so

[Ankou]

perhaps she is thinking that the new boundaries you have set together only include the physical (sex) and that taking it further is outside the rules, or maybe she just doesn't want to end with you.

discuss with her perhaps the idea of her forming a relationship with someone else and reassure her that this would be with your blessing and without recourse. i do think this will hurt her though, who's not to say she isn'thurting alrady even though the sex side is being taken care of.

equally you might have to accept the prospect that she might move on but not be able to maintain the friendship you currently have.

[puddle-duck]

It sounds like all you really want from her is friendship.

Sex for a lot of people is important in a relationship, but not everyone feels that way. When problems kick in sex is sometimes the last thing on your mind & your need for it diminishes.

I know at the end of my last relationship I was depressed & getting counselling I felt unloved & unwanted & to be quite honest the last thing I wanted was any intimacy with the very person who was making me feel this way. I felt used...he didn't seem to care about sex when he was shutting himself away for 2 weeks when he got a holiday, yet was using it as a tool to make me feel guilty when he was ready & able to see me.

Don't feel guilty for feeling the way you feel, if it's not what you feel then don't push it, if she cares enough about you she will understand this.

You need to have a good long think about what you want for yourself & for the future of the relationship. If you would rather have her in your life as a friend rather that a lover then be very honest & clear about it.

Good luck I hope it all works out for you.

[Halifaxmum]

DT, Ummm, puddle, boxy, ankou and all my lovely AB friends

Thank you all so much for your comments, they really do help xxx

ummm, you have especially helped me to think about this in a new light - ty x

i'm glad to say me & partner have had an evening in the pub (2 drinks each!), and have had a good old chat, sorted a lot of things out, and are moving onwards and upwards now! :)))

I love AB x

[joeluke]

'rosamundjohn......a relationship without sex does not really work. What do others think?'

It would only work if neither partner was interested in sex, in this instance one is and the other isn't which is never going to work

[Sqad]

joe

\\\in this instance one is and the other isn't which is never going to work\\

Unless they both accept infidelity and they are happy with it.....then it may work.

[mandimoo]

You have "relationships" with everyone you know well, and no-one I know has sex with everyone they know! I promise I'm not having a dig at Rosamundjohn here, its just that it is actually USUAL to have relationships without sex. Only with the very special relationships do you have the bonus of sex (mostly, .... ahem!)