Copying absolutely EVERYTHING

[PinkFizz]

HELP!! My partner has a daughter the same age as my son and every weekend she comes over he copies everything she does/wants/plays with to the point that is is getting to be a joke.He gets on well with her and they play very well together so its not as though he doesnt like her.But it is driving us nuts.He was so bad on holiday that my b/f's parents couldnt believe it.
Examples: he asks for a drink of milk - she asks for juice so he then insists on juice and has a totally paddy if you say no(which I do)
He is playing on his bike - she goes to walk to the swing and he literally runs full pelt towards it because he has this sudden urge to use the swing,which until that point he hadnt been on for a week.
She goes to give her dad a cuddle on one arm - he rushes over and grabs the other arm,but never ever goes to cuddle him when daughter isnt there.

I could go on and on...
We have tried ignoring it,asking him why he does it,giving him extra attention,teling him off,but nothing works and he is getting worse rapidly.Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

xx

[Lore]

Aww it sounds like he's just trying to find his place. Could you have some activities for both of them to do eg.. painting, baking etc but really go overboard on handing out responsibilities for each of them. Maybe your partner could spend a little more time with the two of them.. do you think he could be worried that your partner's attention is taken away from him when his daughter comes to stay?

[PinkFizz]

Lore - honestly you have no idea how bad it is.We do all of that - bake bread,let them both lay table for dinner etc but still the same - if I ask her to weigh flour and him to mix yeast,yep,he wants to weigh the flour! If she carries the knives and him the forks - he wants the knives!!

My partner is at boiling point as it is so ridiculous now.

[Lore]

You could try the 'share a cake approach' I do this at work, basically if you had one cake to share between two children, one cuts the cake in half, the other gets to choose which half they want - you can bet your life there's not a millimeter difference between!

So, you let him decide what he wants to either do, eat or drink, offer various options and he must go with his final decision. Then you do the same with your partners daughter. If he kicks up a fuss then he has to suffer the consequences of not getting his own way. It's so hard to do but worth it in the end.

Kids eh?!

[PinkFizz]

God Ive tried that and I know it should work but it hasn't so far.
We were out for lunch - I asked him what he wanted to drink -"don't know".Various drinks were offered,inthe end he told me to choose.I said water - is that ok?? Yes.I like water.Daughter chose lemonade.Drinks came.I like lemonade.I want lemonade.Blah blah.

Next day.What do you want? Do you want lemonade like ****? Yes please.Drinks came.I dont like fizzy drinks.

Aaaaggghhhhh!!!!!!

[Lore]

Just tell him to like it or lump it then hehe, that's what my mum would say!

Seriously tho, I really can't think of anything else to suggest hunni, sorry :(

unless, you always ask your daughter what she wants first then your son, he can't change his mind then! a-HA, busted!!

[andybaird68]

My boy can be like this if he goes with me to a friend who has a son about the same age. I think it is the challenge of discovering they are not the only small people in the world, at least in their world. I must admit I have not asked his Mum if he is like that in his playgroup but maybe when it is two little boys being competitive it is not the same as him being so with a wee lass, I am quite careful when he is with me that I am not too strict with him, it is not easy when they are so small.

[PinkFizz]

He is 7 next month and it is really getting us down.He is such a clever child - his reading and spelling are so far ahead of his classmates that his teacher called me in to ask if I gave him extra tuition.
I just dont know what to do anymore.I thought If we just ignored it then it would stop as he was doing it for attention but it really hasnt helped one bit.

[kick3m0n]

Hi Pink, how you doing? tricky one this. At the mo, my wee guys not quite three, but his pal (couple of months younger) does ALL the things you say your son does. Pal A must copy everything that Charlie does, no matter if it's asking for a food he doesn't like (which he then refuses to eat) or wanting to play with the toy Charlie has. His mum has adopted the "like it or lump it, your decision is final" approach suggested here, because he was having major paddys if he didn't get his own way, but in the 2 months of trying it, nothing has really improved. Here's hoping....

On the positive side, my friends wee boy demonstrated this copying behaviour ALL the time, with all his classmates (he's 5). But, after a good few months of effort by his parents, nursery and then primary teachers, it finally seems to be abating and he's now more happy to stick with his own decisions and choices. His nursery teacher suggested it was partly a confidence thing, and that the wee guy didn't have faith in his own decisions, hence what everyone else chose suddenly seemed more appealing or a "better" choice. They tried lots of praise and approval for any/all choices he made, be it toys, drinks, colour of crayon etc and it really does seem to be working now. Think you have to just persevere with the "you've made your decision, end of story" plan babes, there's not much else you can do really, just try to reinforce to him how good his choices are at all times. Good luck, having seen it happen close at hand, I know how frustrating this problem can be. xx

[kick3m0n]

p.s. PF - bizarrely, my sons wee boy, the 5 year old, is also exceptionally bright and an advanced reader and writer. x

[lilacben]

Hi Pinkfizz how are you.? did you have a good holiday>? sorry a bit silly really asking that consdiering your q. Well I should imagine he feels insecure and frightened with this little girl. And he is attention seeking. My eldest daughters two, boy 6,girl 4. are the same even the bit about the swing ect. even to the extent of fighting for the loo.!! If my granddaughter says she wants the toilet you can bet her brother pushes past and go's in there first and vica versa.But because your two little ones have a mum and dad each they are trying to contend with each other.I am afraid you will just have to be strong and keep saying no and not going back on it. I know how awful this is as they make such a fuss but it shouldnt last too long.How about sending the one who is moaning up to there bedroom or make them go without saying have this or nothing.They do say it is best to ignore them but I know that isnt as easy as people make it sound. I have six grandchildren and have this problem quite a lot when they are all together. I do hope this will help you a bit. keep up the good work. Brendaxx

[PinkFizz]

Hi Kick/lilacben.Yes I think I will just have to persevere,but after 2 years of this I thought he would have grown out of this!! And because the girl doesnt ever do it ,it ends up with him being the one constantly pulled up about this,and then he says im picking on him,as "**** copies as well" which she honestly doesnt.She is getting totally fed up of it herself,to the extent that when he has done this several times in a day she will go and sit upstairs in her bedroom to get away from him.

[Hellion]

This sounds a bit like territorial battle combined with the fact that boys apparently get a testosterone surge at around this age. It's as though he's trying to assert his place in your home and affections. When he behaves this way he is getting everyone''s attention - I don't know if this will work but try just quietly conceding to his change of mind i.e in the case of drink don't say anything just change the drink when he changes his mind. If you can get b/f daughter on side (say it's game) everytime he wants what she's playing on ask her to just let him on it, again don't make a fuss at all. I reckon after a week of getting no rise out of anyone he'll probably stop! There's no point in having a tantrum if it doesn't wind anyone up.

[curiosity]

Hi Pink Fizz, it sounds like you have a perfectionist on your hands! Not a bad thing, but he probably feels frustrated because he wants to get everything just right. By watching other kids of his age in activities or asking for things, and he holds these kids in high esteem, he will want to "copy" them because this will be right, is he afraid of coming up with his own ideas incase you or dad say they arn't good? It's a harsh question, but I realised I was a critical parent when my kids wouldn't choose clothes to wear unless I had, they then want confirmation before they will do sertain things, if you don't give it, they look to other kids.