Have I done the right thing?

[JoCannon]

I split up with my boyfriend of 18 months yesterday, He's 28, I'm 26. We had a good relationship but I often felt he did not make enough effort, every time I mentioned it there would be efforts made for a few days and then it would stop again, he claims he loves me but says that is just the way he is, he freely admits he recognised he did not do enough for me. It resulted in me being quite unhappy, the past few months especially. Now it is all over it is really painful, I want to run back to him and tell him any tiny effort is better than none and I will put up with it if we can be together, but if he can't make any more of an effort, surely nothing would change and it would soon leave me unhappy again. What is a girl to do?

[OBonio]

I get this from my wife all the time. Does my nut in. She moans that I don't do enough etc then when I do, she moans I don't do it right. Can't win LOL. I'm not going to change. She's not going to stop nagging. Just a fact of life.

Everyone is different, and if your expectations of him aren't actually what he is, you're best off without him. Maybe Brad Pitt might suit your needs more.

[jno]

what you've done. He doesn't do what you want; you don't appreciate what he does. He may or may not change; but you can't make him. All you can change is your own reactions. If you envisage soon being unhappy again, unable to adapt to his behaviour, you're better off apart, otherwise you'll be feeling forever the way you're feeling now.

[JoCannon]

Thanks Buddha, Men are from Mars, Women Venus, don't I know it. I've been recommending that book to people for ages, maybe I should re-read it, and take note!!

We were very happy together, he did not treat me badly, I think he is an amazing person, and hope we can be friends with time, when he did make an effort things were brilliant, hence my doubt that this really is the right thing. But when you go all out for someone and they don't seem to be that fussed about you, or willing to make more of an effort, should you carry it on?

[oxeyedaisy]

perhaps he hasnt reached where he wants to be in life yet..and their for is just bumbling along hoping everything will sort itself out..women mature faster than men and we seem more content to settle and make things work..i think you havnt found mr right yet and i believe if you have enough space you will find someone who treats you right..it may be hard at the moment and yes you are tempted to go back..going back to something rarely works out long term..as their are allways reasons why you came away in the first place,,its not a good idea to rush into another relationship quick either as you may just be on the rebound..you sound like you gave it a lot of thought and you should stick with your decision to move on..life is to short to be unhappy you deserve more.. 

[Geekee]

If you were meant to be together, you wouldn't have had the need to have the conversation in the first place. You know you have done the right thing and you know that you were unhappy.

It is just a bit raw at the moment and being raw makes you doubt your initial decision. You want to feel better and the only way 'you think' you will feel better is to get back with him. This is not the case.

I am sure you have a great bunch of friends behind you, to support you, to comfort you, to make you laugh, to watch Beaches together... need I continue?

If you are feeling down, give your mates a call, that is what they are there for.

If that was a bit of a random ramble - sorry!

[newtron]

What do you expect out of him?  You described your relationship as good, but then you say you want more from him.   It sounds like you're very confused.  Do you think he will take you back if you ran back to him?  A relationship is about give and take and in general,  it dosen't live up to your preconceived idea about what a perfect relationship is.  You usually have to change your ideas a little to fit reality.  If you say your relationship is good, he can't be that bad. 

[indian]

th fact that you said he "claims" that he loves you says alot. i think maybe you don't believe he really loves you because he doesn't show it. is this what you mean by making an effort? if you need someone who regullarly shows that he loves you, then maybe you weren't with the right guy, no matter how nice he is. could you spend the rest of your life living the way you were?

[Englishbird]

oh sweety, it's not fun is it, and i imagine you're hurting quite a lot right now.  This is purely my opinion, not even your friends know what your relationship was like and certainly not strangers.  We can all only relate things to our own experiences.

I would suggest that the 'effort' he does or doesn't put in is not necessarily the underlying issue.  Do you not feel valued, needed, wanted?  The little things chip away at you, when there is a bigger issue there.

Simply on what you've written, my gut reaction would be to walk away from it.  See what else is out there, If it's ment to be in the long run then fate finds a way, but have a look at the rest of the world in the meantime.

Good luck x

[JoCannon]

Making an effort to me might mean something totally different to others, it's not materialistic, it's not constant overblown gestures, it is part about respect, and part thinking of other people's feelings. Well to me anyway. It is not about about saying the 3 little "I love you" words, we can all utter them, they are certainly good to hear, it's what backs them up that really matters.

I'm glad I posted this question, all of the replies have hit home and I appreciate everyone�s replies, time will only tell what will happen. 5 months down the line I can only hope to be happier than I have been.

[katejess44]

Jo, I am going through almost the exact same thing.  I've been married for nearly eight years, we have been together for a total of ten years.  Last week, after a lot of soul searching, and many lengthy discussions, I asked my husband for a separation. 

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and we have a lot of things to work through.  There is also that niggling doubt in my heart and mind that I have made a mistake - as Geekee says, the feelings are raw and you doubt your initial decision.  But as Oxeyedaisy says, going back to something rarely works out in the long term.

I'm also glad you posted this question, as this evening we attended a Relate counselling session, and now I know for sure that I am making the right decision.  You forget that other people have been through similar situations, and it is comforting to know that yours is not the only mind to play these tricks on you.

[butter1]

Hi JoCannon, I sometimes feel that way with my boyfriend.  Sometimes I don't feel like I'm the most important thing in his life...and I get upset and frustrated because of this....I seem to bend over backwards for him but he is just more placid.  He thinks that I just take things to heart, but I truly don't think I do.  I definitely think man are from mars and women are from venus....we are just totally different.  If you weren't happy hun then take a break, only time will tell.

[JoCannon]

I though it might get easier day by day, but no, it's still so painful and raw, I resemble a waterfall (everyone around me at work should have been issued lifejackets) but I am starting to slowly think I did make the right decision. If I was to go back it probably would improve for a while, but then the same issues would crop up again.

Katejess44 - Thank you for your posting, I hope you manage to work through it all and remain strong. You are so right, you forget others have been through similar situations, and it's comforting to know it is not simply you wading through unknown territory.

Good luck sweetheart. x

[mattvanduck]

hi jo,

my gf is in the same situation a you. She nags asks for emotional support i give it but, deep down she knows i dont really mean it, because she knows i am not an emotional person. But because i do it to make her " feel better" she understands that i love her. Its a bit twisted to read back but thats the way we work. we  dont do cuddles we dont do much holding of hands but she knows i love her and i could not be without her. Sometimes we need to do the things we dont like doing to show we love them? i think? oh av ******** it, a need a trip to the shrink!

[mattvanduck]

But after reading some of the above replies i am going to make a  small effort to do something just for her, then next week do a little more.

[helencyoung]

I know the feeling! my last relationship ended very similarly. Basically despite you loving him, he is not enough for you. You need what you need and at the end of the day, if you're not getting what you need from a relationship then there will be resentment and bitterness. My boyfriend was a lovely lovely man but could not give me what i need. I feel much better now my relationship has ended because it gives me the opportunity to meet someone who treats me the way I want to be treated.

[Englishbird]

good for you matt!!

Just another bit to add Jo, I went to a funeral on Wednesday and i went with my significant ex (4 years, split one year ago) as we knew her as a couple it seemed natural to go together.  We get on so well, we always have, I'm past the 'wanting to be with him' stage - it took about 8 months, but i was thinking in the car on the way to the wake, we're so good together what a shame it didn't work. 

Half way through the wake I was overtly reminded why I don't want to be there and why he made me so unhappy.  The relief to be able to leave was immense.  I love him and i always will, it was the hardest decision of my life - but my god it was the right one for me x x

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it does get easier, I promise.  Make sure you're busy and have lots of things planned on the weekends. 

[JoCannon]

Matt, good luck with it, she will really appreciate it.

Englishbird, you sound so together, strong and wise. Give me a month or so and hopefully I will be in the same position, still hurting but much more positive.

I've booked a trip to Amsterdam for the bank holiday w/e to see a good friend who lives there (the bank holiday w/e would be too hard to be here) I have my diary full up for the next few weeks seeing amazing friends, and hopefully in time I can be offering such comforting advice as everyone has given me, and most importantly be happy with myself, and not so frightened of being alone. x

[mattvanduck]

hey jo,

it looks like you are also strong, making the right moves filling your diary up, trips away, sounds like fun too me. is there room in your case. i'll be quiet as a mouse!!

[brindle421]

i have the same problem. i love my boyfriend too much to break up. it might be a bad choice for me. there is always someone out there that is meant to be yours. you just got to find them. it truley does hurt, i know. you can still be his friend and maybe you will end back up with him. if its meant to be it will happen. it can possibly be that he is too afraid to be with you because he has more feelings toward you.