Who Lives Nowhere Near Their Children?

[Smowball]

As most of you know who know me, as I've been on AB for years, I've got 4 children - 1 girl and 3 boys. And none live near me. I live in London. My daughter and eldest son live in Cambridgeshire (tho not near each other), my middle son lives in Norfolk, and my youngest son lives all the way down in Devon. And apart from Ben, my youngest, none of them visit me. Ever. Not when I fractured my spine even. And I've got myself into a bit of a state about it as it's really upsetting me now. I don't want to row with any of them about it, as I message/whatsapp etc them all several times a week, and they always reply, some more than others. My middle son messages me several times a day, always has done, but he not only doesn't visit, he doesn't even send birthday or Mother's Day cards, never has. I've subtly brought up the subject with all of them, and I get the standard reply - yeh yeh we must visit blah blah, but they never ever do. And it's always down to me to do the drive to them, or train,which  I just feel is so unfair, especially with my latest medical news, which I'm not even sure I've told you all about. Anyone else in this situation? As I don't know what else I can do without causing a row : (

[pastafreak]

Oh, I get it smow. It's really hard sometimes. Could you organise zoom or WhatsApp video calls? Either as a group or individually? Do your children keep in touch with each other? If they don't, a group chat may lead to future contact. As for mother's day cards...the lack of yhrm is balanced out by your son messaging several times a week. My daughter used to give me cards...but hasn't for a few years...she always forgets when mother's day is. But we message back and forth frequently...maybe our children need reminding 🤔😁😂 

Do your children know about your health issues? If not, you really should tell them...that alone may make them give some thought to you. No...you shouldn't be the one making all the effort. 

My daughter and her partner live in London and I'm in Plymouth ...I see them about 3 -4 times a year...that includes a 10 -12 day stay with them. What upsets me sometimes is it's become difficult for me to do certain things around here...and I could do with some help. They are relatively minor/easy things. We'll chat about them maybe doing this or that next time they come ...but that usually goes out the window as they arrive late Friday and leave Sunday afternoon. And it can be a long drive down here for them. When they do come, I get spoiled with meals out, and font have to do anything...so I can't complain. Swings and roundabouts I guess. 

[Redhelen72]

Some families are just not close.

I was close to my dad but have not spoken to my siblings for over 20 years!

TBH if it wasn't for himself's guilt we probably would not talk to his mother either.

I think you need to let it go - go no contact and if they contact you on their birthdays thank them kindly and go about your day.

[jourdain2]

Me, Smow.  My 2 girls are both around 45 miles away near York and Mr. J2s son, grandchildren and great-grandkids are in Devon.

We thought that moving to the same land-mass from France would mean more meetings, but, sadly, it doesn't really.

I've found it very hard.  I took my kids to see both sets of grandparents every weekend (we lived about 20 miles away) and I rather expected 1 visit per month from each of my 2. It hasn't happened.  We were also in strong support of our  parents when need  dictated - it was pretty difficult sometimes.

We're mostly OK with it, but I have missed so much of my grandchildren's growing-up and that is a sadness.

Both my girls did race to the rescue last weekend and shipped me into A&E with my hip.  It's nice  to know.

I don't think you can  do anything, sadly, Smow. They were raised differently to us - a much wider world - and their perceptions are different. I never thought of parental visiting as a duty, but I suppose we absorbed that concept.

Just keep those contacts going. xx

[Countrylover]

My son lives quite close to us (2 miles)but we often don't see him for weeks.  We know he's always available if needed but I can't say he's involved much in our life.  There is a little ditty that is something like.

A daughters a daughter all your life  a son is a son until he takes a wife.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Countrylover]

I agree with jourdaine.

[Smowball]

I lost my mum to breast cancer when she was just 59, and my dad moved to Germany at about the same time, so I've become incredibly close to MrSmows parents - in fact I treat them as my parents, but they have just announced that they too are now moving over an hour away, which I am absolutely gutted about. So I've always always tried to keep as close to my kids as I can. But yes I honestly can't do much more. Yes they know about my spine, and about my recent issues. I spoke to my daughter on the phone yesterday and she said she doesn't really speak to her brothers, for reasons that she told me which I didn't really know. But she said she is coming to visit me as soon as she has got her car serviced, which will be brilliant. My youngest son I saw at New Year, and middle son I also spoke to yesterday(all calls done by me btw lol) and he also said he is going to drive down and visit. Middle son is the hardest one to get hold of but I'm getting there.....

[Cloverjo]

I am close to my son, but not physically now. I'm in the SW. He's in the SE. His wife doesn't like coming here, so it's down to me to get 3 trains for 4 hours if I want to see him and my grandchild. 
 

It's tough, but not as bad as for my sister who is not allowed to see her grandchild at all after a row with her D-in-law. 

[Smowball]

Oh no, that must have been a bad row! What was it about??

[Redhelen72]

Perhaps its because apart from the last 10 years I was not close to my parents  - in fact I would go as far as saying my mother didn't want me and I didn't want her!

Smow don't push them,  - will you now get upset if they don't visit you? you put them on the spot and of course they said they would come because they maybe felt they had no option.

Stop chasing and they will come to you if they want to.

[ladybirder]

Is your sister's grandchild OK with that Clover?

[Smowball]

Red - I know what you are saying, I guess I'm just frustrated that it's always me that makes the effort. As long as they still keep in contact, even if it's just by phone or message then I'm happy, but just would be lovely  to physically see them more.

[Cloverjo]

My sister's grandchild is too little to even know about my sister. They last saw each other when the girl was a tiny baby.

The row was about my sister's concern for d-in-law's possible PND and she took it the wrong way. Sad for all concerned 

[Cloverjo]

The little girl is now 5

[davebro3]

Seems kids are a bit of a bother - glad I aint got any!

[Smowball]

Oh that's sad. Has either tried to reach out and make contact since??

[Cloverjo]

Sorry to leave a gap. 
My sister would love to get in contact, but the d-in-law forbids it. Sister's son just does what he's told and can't see my sister either. Sigh... Life's too short for all this kerrap