Family Friend Member Asked My Mum Why I'm Not Married

[Treacle71]

A friend of my mum's asked my mum why I'm not married yet. I'm 53 and still not married 🤔. I was brought up in church since I was 7 and I'm the only one of the church's 'children' not to have married. The person who asked was one of the speakers at the church I grew up in. He only speaks to my mum about every 5-8 years anyway to see how my mum is (as he and his wife retired and now live quite a way away), but he keeps asking her why I'm not married and it hurts me because I feel worthless. I can't see why it's anyone's business anyway. Marriage just didn't happen as that ship sailed! 

How can I stop feeling a failure? 😥

[wolf63]

I'm 60 and unmarried - I feel happy.

There is only one person that can make you feel like a failure - that's you.

Maybe you would be happier if you left home.  I left home at about 21/22 years old - living with my mum would have driven me insane.

[davebro3]

//He only speaks to my mum about every 5-8 years anyway to see how my mum is //

What a caring person he must be !!!!!!!!!!

[andy-hughes]

This is appalling ignorance, happily now more or less confined to the 'senior' members of society.

He probably comes from the generation where marriage and children was simply the standard path for adults, and it was seen as 'odd' if anyone didn't follow it.

Personally, I have always believed that pressure from society, and sometimes relatives, makes peole marry and have children before they have really considered what it means.

They are pushed into it by the cliches - "Time to make an honest woman of her ..." and then "When are you going to make us grandparents ..." and it was wrong then, and it's still wrong now.

I experienced both from colleagues, not from family who roundly disapproved of my choice of partner.

My girlfriend was divorced with two children, and we were together six years before we married. I got all the "The girls need a dad ...." claptrap, to which I replied, they have a dad, he just isn't interested in them, so they have me instead.

Then I got "You'll be wanting one of your own now then ..." as if our girls were house guests!

Fortunately, marriage and children are far less of a foregone  conclusion that they were, but some people still think they cab be rude enough to judge strangers as though the option not to marry is a failure of character.

It's not, and you should never for one second judge yourself by this dreadful man's ideas of what is right for other people - sadly a common position by the more fervent Christians in our world.

You are an individual, I am sure you have a perfectly nice life, and you do not need a man to fulfil you as a person, and you should never be allowed to think that you do.

If this man ever offers is view to you, tell him to keep his rude opinions to himself, and you are not obliged to explain any aspect of your life to him.

I hope this makes you feel better.

Steer clear of moral high-grounders, they are a menace.

[Old_Geezer]

The answer is obvious; you simply haven't found someone you both mutually feel is right for you. Why would you feel worthless or a failure for that ? Life's a lottery. Either an opportunity presents itself and you take it, or it doesn't. You don't have to be in a relationship, it has both pros & cons.

 

Only you can change how you feel about yourself. Answer their question and they may stop querying. If they don't tell them you find their continual asking annoying and to please drop it. And try not to care about others' opinion of you, just be yourself.

[Barmaid]

It is no-one else's business.  Being single is not being a failure.  Try and ignore the judgment and preconceptions of those who are obviously too stupid to accept that not being married is a choice rather than a penalty.

[Treacle71]

Thank you all so much for your answers.  I'm going to print them off and read and re-read them!  Sadly, I have to chose only ONE as the 'best' answer, but there is no 'best', as they're all good.  

[1ozzy]

//Family Friend Member Asked My Mum Why I'm Not Married//

It's because you never met me!

Oh, hang on, it could be because you have met me.

Hmm. Back to the drawing board😏

[Paul22118]

I have friends who are truly happily married.

I have friends who are totally happy, in love and co-habiting.

I have a daughter who is unattached but really, really content with her life style, job, car and home.

I have work colleagues who are massively unhappy in a dead marriage but trapped by children.

My point to you would be that whatever is good for YOU, is what is best for you.

QED