It's The Way I Tell Em.

[Rondy]

A thief in the butcher shop got charged with chop lifting.
The Judge said he mutton do it again.

___

My wife is doing an experiment. She's wearing a Man Utd shirt for a week to get peoples reactions. She's been kicked, punched and spat on so far! Hell knows what's going to happen when she actually leaves the house!

___

I Pulled a gypsy bird last night. She asked me did I want to go back to hers for a good time... She wasn't damn kidding. I went on the dodgems, waltzers, ghost train and came home with a goldfish!

___

Enter new password'  'chicken' 

'Password must contain a capital'  'chickenkiev'

___

I had the nastiest, rudest, slowest cashier today.
I guess it's my own fault for using the self service checkout.

___

There’s a bovine vomiting virus affecting herds of cattle in the Peak District.
In fact......
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick.

___

When my mate was in the army he ate nothing but tiramisu, trifle and ice cream before going AWOL.
He was a desserter.

___

My best mates growing a beard.
I just don't know how to tell her.

___

[Patsy33]

Thanks for the laugh! 😆

[bookbinder]

I like the one about your wife wearing a Man United shirt!