My Mum Said I Never Wanted To Know My Grandparents

[Treacle71]

My grandparents lived 300 miles away whom I saw twice a year growing up. They never came to visit me as a child/toddler/baby/young teen - ever and the only time I saw them was when I used go there with my mum twice yearly. I'm 53 now and my grandparents died when I was mid teenage age. Now mum is saying I never liked them and never wanted to build a relationship with them, but how could I have built a relationship when I saw them twice yearly as a child? Even when we were going through trauma they never visit us. Now mum's blaming me for not 'getting along' with them and I don't get it? 🤷

[Toorak]

Ignore what she says - your mum sounds like a bitter and twisted old woman. 

[Treacle71]

I think you're right, Toorak. She used to say I never liked them when I did see them, but it wasn't that, I was just shy and a very insecure child 🤷

[Toorak]

I am sorry that you seem to be in a position when your mum tries to undermine you constantly. You come across as a nice but very indecisive person: I think your mum has undermined your confidence. 

[DDIL]

My grand parents lived in a different country, I saw them once a year but I was encouraged to write to them every month.

Everytime your mother belittles you you come on here for advice and every time you are told the same thing.

Whats it going to take for you to move out ?

[Treacle71]

You're right DDIL. So right 😢

[Cloverjo]

You're one year younger than me, and you're still living with your mum? Time to move out. Even if you can't afford to buy or rent a flat, get a bedsit. Anywhere. You are wasting your life there. Your mum will complain, but tough. 

[scorpiojo]

Leave home.

[Canary42]

Bite the bullet now treacle, move out.

[Karamia]

Has your mum always been same all throughout your life or is she worse now that she is older? I only ask that as we have a well loved family friend who, since she got into later years is different in her outlook now and always looking for negatives or pointing out negatives. Nothing is ever right. She is getting more forgetful and this is worrying her. I remember one of my own grandma's getting similar changes in later life. Just wanted you to consider that it might be early signs that her health changing. That may be why she is remembering things from past more clearly as maybe her short term memory suffering etc. Only you will know if this is how your mum has always been. Just wanting to offer other possible reasons for her odd or nasty behaviour/comments based on my own experiences.

[Toorak]

That's a very thoughtful post Karamia 

[Karamia]

Thank you Toorak.

I was not sure whether to post. I can only go by own experience. Early signs of dementia for example can show with people being rude uncomplementary or saying odd upsetting things without reason etc. Which we have experienced in our own family but know that we try not to take comments too seriously or let it upset us. It is hard though sometimes and if you are living with that person every day and must be more difficult. 

Treacle, if you look up signs of early dementia this may give some examples of what you are experiencing with your mum and may help you relate to some of the things your mum is saying to you.

Of course I'm no doctor and may be also quite wide of the mark here. Just hoping to give some options to explore. 

 

[Treacle71]

She's jealous of everyone around her who has a widened family; jealous of neighbours, jealous of people on TV even who has familial support - everyone. I get that, but she blames me for not getting along OK with people she had in her life (whom most were completely awful). One of her male friends was horrible to me. One of many examples was he used to take my skinny wrists and put his index finger and thumb around them (measuring my thinness) and show me up in a restaurant saying how thin my wrists were! My mum could see no wrong in him, but guess what, towards the end, he ended up stalking her! She couldn't see his abusive ways! To this day she'll rhyme off people I didn't get along with including the stalker and I'll say back, "Bet you couldn't see the stalker in him though", but she still blames me for not getting along 🤷and then she says she can't understand how I get on well with people at work, but not outside of it. I tell her I go to do what I have to and come home. I've always got on well with people at work but not so outside of it. I can only be me 😢

[barry1010]

What does your mother do? Does she socialise, have hobbies?

Does she have anything to look forward to on a daily, short term and long term basis?

Is she in pain or long term unwell?

I know you live together. Who does the bulk of the housework, takes care of the bills? 

If she has no friends or hobbies, is home alone whilst you are at work and is unhappy about the way the house and money are taken care of she will be jealous, miserable and introspective. Especially if she is also ill or in pain.

[Ringlet]

Your Mum is blaming you for her own failing.  

Your grandparents sound very distant and remote, emotionally as well as physically.  If they are your mother's parents, it may explain why your  mother is the kind of person she is.  

Please, do not accept your mother's attempt to blame you for the lack of a relationship with your grandparents.  This was not your fault.  You were a child, you were at the mercy of an adult who failed to consider your best interests, and who is now trying to blame you for that failure.  

Be proud of yourself for growing up into the deep thinking, considerate person you appear to be.  

[Smowball]

All I will say is that life is far too short! I don't know how old you are, although others on here seem to know, but you only live once. Get a little local bedsit and move out. You can then pop and visit your mum when you want, or she can visit you, but you will have your own home and own space to do as you wish. You wont get this time again x

[naomi24]

Snow, treacle says in the OP that she's 53.  

[barry1010]

Her mother is in her 80s and Treacle has never left the family home, highly unlikely to now

 

[Canary42]

Karamia makes a very good point. My sister-in-law has dementia and has become increasingly critical and hostile as this terrible affliction progresses.

[smurfchops]

Treacle, seriously, would you like to be independent and move out?

[pastafreak]

Is a bedsit the equivalent of a studio flat? As I've never seen them in real estate listings. I'm guessing that a room in a private house is the equivalent.