How to end a friendship?

[Englishbird]

I have been friends with her for around 10 years.  Her behaviour has always been erratic but in the last few years has become extreemly worrying and self abusive, I believe she has a personality disorder.  Time after time i have dealt with her, listened to her, tried to help her, fought with her and been abused and scared by her, and i've had enough.

I don't want a big row and to fall out with her as such because i hate having anything like that hanging over my head.  I have just finished a years worth of therapy for my own problems and feel stronger and better than i have done in years.  There is still work to be done and i feel that she is a destructive influence in my life, maybe because i've allowed myself to become too involved.

I feel that i want to end this friendship, anyone got any ideas of the best way to do this? tia x

[Cheekyteddy]

Wow andy good answer.

I was going to say something similar but I would look such an amatuer now!!! lol

Just to say no one needs a destructive influence in their lives and you certainly don't need a friend who scares you!

[Litchick]

I'm going through exactly the same thing right now.  Although my "friend" is not self-destructive or scaring me, she has become increasingly selfish, manipulative and mean.  I was doing the evasive thing until two Sundays last when she did something so upsetting that I just decided it was enough.  I think she heard in my voice that I was annoyed and neither one of us has called or emailed since.  So, in a sense, her last thing did me a favour because I don't have to take the "ending" action...  congratulations on bettering yourself!! It really takes courage and guts and although I don't know you, I'm very proud of you!  :)

[lindapinda]

I had a couple of experiences like Litchick,and as Andy has suggested,had to revert to the subtle approach.It actually did work and although I still feel guilty at times,there's only so much bad behaviour you can take from someone.Good luck Englishbird!

[GucciGal]

Just read all the replies and learnt a thing or two myself there, especially from Andy, it's a great way of not making it a drama eh? Hmmm Oh and goodluck! x

[Englishbird]

Thanks guys, wonderful answers and support as always.  Andy, you should write a book :o)  And thank you litchick - that made me smile.

It's certainly the way i want to deal with it but it's always good to hear things from an outside perspective.

I think the difference this time is that i'm not mad at her, i've just had enough.  So i hope to walk away from it with some good grace - and less drama!

unfotunately we've been here too many times, and i doubt now that we will ever be friends because, even if she wanted to, i don't think she's capable of it.  And even if she was capable of it, i think i've lost my faith in her and would always be wondering when she was going to blow up again.

Thanks again guys.

[Litchick]

You're welcome Englishbird!!!  Good luck -- and I really like what you said about not knowing whether you can be friends with her again.  After someone is so mean and you've seen that they can be so cruel and petty, you really wonder if you even WANT to be friends anymore either.  Depending on the friendship, sometimes it's time to let go.  In my case -- my "friend's" behaviour was so heinous that I don't even CARE to be friends with her anymore.  Good luck -- let us know how it goes.

XX

[Confused One]

Hey, am in the same situation, have read the responses and everyone seems to be referring to Andy's great reply - I can't see his reply and am desperate to see what he's said.

Any ideas?!

[Englishbird]

Hi confused one - i don't know where Andy's reply is and I'm afraid i can't remember it now. The AB Editor may be able to help, but it's probably gone from the records now if it's not showing on here.

All I can tell you is that my particular situation came to a head, and did end in an argument, but either way, it's now been a year and three months since i spoke to the said friend, and my life is much calmer and better as a result of cutting her out of my life, I don't regret it for a moment. She is just as screwed up and destructive as she always was,but it's no longer my problem! . I hope you get this message, haven't had internet connection for a few days so you may not look back here now, but good luck. c