my sons behaviour is getting me down.

[nickynoonoo]

I have 3 children and baby on the way the problem is that my 9year old son has turned from been a loveley shy little boy 2 been rude, hitting his little sister and brother and i mean he will punch them its not a tap ,wont do as i ask him, he has started running away telling me he ates me.He has also said he has some1 in his head telling him 2 do these things its getting 2 the point where i cant take anymore im tired cant stop crying just run down all the time.Family have siad it could b the baby but he was over the moon when he found out and cant wait till hes born.So if any1 has any information where i can get some help i will b so thankfull x

[devilwoman]

is he the eldest? perhaps without meaning to you have begun treating him more as an adult and expecting him to be more responsinble and show an example to the younger ones, please dont take this the wrong way, but if he feels that is expected to act grown up it could be upsetting for him, at nine he is still really a baby and still needs kisses, hugs and attention. is your husband doing his share ogf looking after the kids/housework? you're tire and upset your hormones are making you emotional, you need a break, can you get someone to look after the kids once a week just so you can have a break and time to yourself, watch a movie while eating popcorn/ have a relaxing bubble bath or just pamper yourself for a few hours, as regards your son, give him lots of love and cuddles , let him know how spcial he is, not how grown up he is, maybe dad could spend some quality time with him, playing football, helping dad to wash car or mend his bike, antyhing to get them talking and bonding.

[Pea Pod]

If you feel you can`t cope,you could ask the doctor for a referral to a child psychologist.They could talk to him and maybe get to the bottom of his troubles. I know it sounds scary getting professionals involved,it depends how desperate your feeling.

[nickynoonoo]

Thankyou 4 your answer the thing is im not with there dad we split 4 years ago and he's that type ov dad that does not see them he just lets them down all the time an i keep thinking thats y he's like he is but dont no for sure .He is the eldest then i have my daughter at 7 and little lad at 4 .I do have a partner and hes the 1 that takes them out and on bike rides and also swimming hes brll with them couldnt ask 4 a better man .Also when there dad lets them down they blame me not so much my daughter she knows wot her dad is like but my oldest does and i tell him its not me but there is just no telling him .sorry 2 go on just that its good 2 get this off my chest thanks .

[nickynoonoo]

Was thinking ov doing that he has had counselling before with his sister coz of wot there dad did 2 me and wot they saw x

[devilwoman]

sounds like your little boy is lashing out at you for not having his dad around, he sounds like he's quite angry, i think pea pod is right you should seek proffessional help, maybe for the whole family to get talking about stuff, it really helps to talk about how you all feel, it must be hard for you also, being pregnant ans stuff, but get some help, and whenever you can, hug your kids and tell them you love them. good luck.

[nickynoonoo]

thanks i will can i just say his dad was not a nice person and we r better off without him as he hit me but it was the kids that saw him doing it .

[sandbach99]

Has his behaviour changed since September?, I don't think it is the baby it hasn't been born, I am wondering if there is a problem at school, he may not get on with a teacher, or he is struggling with the work or has a friend moved away. The worst is that he is being bullied, maybe because his father is not around.
Try getting your partner to take the others out , preferably to somewhere he doesn't want to go, sit with him with a treat, popcorn, chocolate anything, a film or game, let him get comfy and ask some gentle probing questions, he may open up to you

If not see the Doctor on your own explain what is happening and see if he thinks it may be to do with what he saw, you may be able to see a counsellor on your own to help you deal with him, I think it could cause more problems if he was singled out for counselling.

[nickynoonoo]

no dont think its owt 2 do with school as i had parents evening the other week and his teacher said he's doing really well and is a really well liked member ov the class just think im best going an seeing a doctor .

[sandbach99]

There are very few schools that will admit they have a problem with bullying, it only takes one child to taunt your son with ' your Dad doesn't live with you, or your dad hit your Mum'. The teachers may not be aware of anything being said. The teacher has some 30 or so pupils if one goes a bit quieter than normal they may just think they are settling down to work

The reason I thought of bullying was that your son says a voice in my head tells me to do it, is the voice really saying hit the bully back, which he knows he can't do so he hits the person who he knows will still love him.

[nickynoonoo]

If he is getting bulled how do you think i should ask him . he has just moved schools has the other closed down so his teacher is new and some ov his class mates are new he does have some ov his old class mates with him .

[mycats]

Can I make a guess here? Do you think that you have let him down because your son saw his dad hit you?
My sons dad was exactly the same and I left him when my son was 2, I let my son off with a lot of bad behaviour for ages, then I realised it was out of guilt. I wanted to be the nice one, the one that didnt shout or scare him.
I feel for you honestly.
I would take him to the doctor and ask him to refer you to a councellor. (sp?) You might also try parenting classes (not suggesting for a minute that you are a bad parent honestly!) I went to PPP and they were good.
Ask your health visitor if there is a group near you
http://www.psych-sci.manchester.ac.uk/research /projects/ppp
Good luck x

[sandbach99]

Your lovely shy son has through no fault of his had his world turned upside down, he has lost his 'comfort zone' to use the latest terminology.
He lost the building he knew, his teacher, some of his friends, and gained a new building he may feel lost in, a teacher he doesn't really know and new friends who may not want to know the new boys or play rougher games etc.
No wonder he is an angry young man.

It will be harder for him being shy, did his best friend move with him?, do you know the other mothers are their sons the same? they may not be if they are not shy, try to find out if the whole class is mixing in the playground etc.

It's not bullying in the normal way, its like starting work in a strange place or moving out of the area, you feel isolated , a bit angry everyone excludes you.

See what his friends mothers say about how their sons have settled, maybe you can arrange for his friend to stay for tea or a sleepover and ask his friend 'hows school' and see if you can get them to open up.

Try not to probe your son directly, try general chat with the other children or you and your partner having a family chat and one of you saying something like 'I remenber at school -----' even if you have to make something up a bit, it's only a white lie!.

Find out what you can and if necessary go to the school and talk over with the head what is happening, if other parents are the same get them to go with you.

Good luck but in time I think he will settle especially with a loving mum.

[nickynoonoo]

thanks thats really helped never thought about it like that just thought it was me or coz of his dad not been around but thinkin now it was only this morning he tried pulling a sicky with me, an didnt want to go to school. Im still goin to the doctors tho coz want 2 get help with myself and im looking into parenting classes coz i want us back how we was i miss it so much and will do anything it takes 2 get my son back x

[sandbach99]

You may be better reposting to find out how to get him to open up to you, in years to come you will laugh about this.

After you have sorted his problem with school out you really should ask for advice on how to stop him reacting with violence, but ignore this for a bit don't try to solve too many problems at once.

Your pregnant, enotional, hormones all over the place, do see your Doctor and ask your partner to let you have some 'me' time to give yourself time to relax, maybe have a long bath or an extra sleep, you will feel more able to cope

With a bit of luck by the time baby comes your lovable son will be back to normal, just knowing your trying to help him will change his behaviour.

Be prepared for lots of tears from you and your son because when you do find out what is wrong it's going to hurt you as well