am i unreasonable?

[xJx]

i had a bit of an argument today with my bf. he has a kid from a passed relationship and iv always been understanding about this and supported him when his ex was being awkward. well recently iv been gettin more and more attached to him and was gettin a bit insecure about the fact tht his ex is gonna b in his life forever now because of the child. also now that they have the baby there is even more the reason for them to make a go of things again in the future. i eventually plucked up the courage to tell him how i felt after he asked me y i was so down. all he said was 'i dont feel that way for her anymore and things like this happen and cant b changed so you gotta deal wit it'. and that was that! i am gutted! all i needed was a bit of reassurance and i would of been ok. and only an hour before he was quizzin me on my ex and gettin worried about it. im so upset cuz we r gettin on fantastic and have even spoken about our future together. we havent spoken since. was i bein unreasonable?

[oldwoman]

Hi J, that was love talk compared to my husband. Men never express themselves in the way we would like.When a person in a relationship carries baggage it is never going to be easy. You are going to have to have to try and put his ex to the back of your mind as the child is going to be there for a long time to come.

[China Doll]

Hi xJx,

A little unreasonable but understandably so. My fathers wife has to contend with the fact that he has three daughters who will always be at the top of his list and he and my mother have tried to maintain a good relationship for the sake of us. I know that sometimes this effects her.

The thing is you reach a certain age and you have a past. My mum and dad are always going to be in each others life because us three are a bond they can't shake. But it hasn't stopped them forming bonds with other people, (they're both married again). They are exes because their relationship didn't work out (and frankly the idea of them ever getting back together is horrific) and I think this is what you need to focus on.

Set you and him half an hour to talk about your respective worries, him about his concerns of your ex and yours about your concerns. You each get 15 mins to talk and you're not allowed to interrupt the other. After that you have another half an hour to continue the discussion but then you stop. And if it looks to become an argument you also stop. Do this a couple of times a week and eventually you should both be able to reach an understanding. It's all about communication.

At the end of the day, you love each other, you just both have a little baggage to contend with, this is normal. Just make sure you don't let it get in the way of what otherwise sounds like a good relationship. (And never let the kid see your concerns either).

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you xx

[fayelc123]

Hi xJx,
I no how you feel, my bf has a daughter with his ex and he has been through hell with her, but i've always been there for him & i love his daugther to bits.
Although, at the begining it was hard & i had the same feelings that you have mentioned. I really dont think you was unreasonable, just being honest.
I had been friends with my bf for years before we got together so maybe that's why i had no problem talking to him about the way i was feeling.
Although it wouldn't have hurt him to reassure you, it really is yourself that has to decide if you can handle his ex being in his life forever. But you said also that he had been quizzing you & he was worried also so maybe he didn't mean to sound so harsh, maybe he was just worried aswell.
I agree with China Doll, you definately have to set time aside to talk to him & tell him exactly how you feel.

How long have you been with him now? & how old is hes' child?

I've been with my bf for a couple of years now & even in that short period things have got so much easier.

Good luck with everything hun x

[xJx]

Thank u so much for the replies. I really was beginning to worry but read them over and released that although it may seem like I'm fussing a bit it is the kind of thing that I need to ask especially if I'm in love with the guy. I didnt hear anything until yesterday at 11pm but he txtd me asking me what was wrong because I wasn't being myself. I was straight with him and he said all he wanted was for things 2 b ok with us. I logged online this morning and had an email from him reasurring me that he loves me and would never let any1 come between us. he said that he felt insecure about my ex but thinks we should both put our ex's behind us and look to the future. i am so happy! its nice to know how he feels because normally its only our alcohol fuelled convos that gets anything out of him. iv been with him now for only 2 months officially but we have been seeing each other since april so quite a while. it wasn't made official since recently because he was worried about his access to the kid. thanks again for the replies, having read your comments it gave me a bit of confidence that i had done the right thing. x

[fayelc123]

I'm glad you talked & feel better now hun!
Trust me, it does get better! I hope your bf doesn't have as much trouble with his ex as mine has had, although things seem to be ok at the mo for him. Fingers crossed they will stay that way.
Good luck with your relationship! x

[Goodsoulette]

Crikey! Reading your question, I was beginning to wonder if you could be my ex's new woman.

He hates that he feels tied to me forever but then the feeling is mutual. So remeber that...they arent together for a reason. Plus if its anything like ex, he gets really down that he cant spend the next 17 yrs watching his children grow up and being there for them all the time. He misses out on new words, them learning new things..this has to make him feel really cr@p.