what do I do?

[debsoutho]

I have been with my partner now for 2 years, and living with him for 18 months, in his house 20 miles away from my 2 children who decided that they didnt want the upheaval of moving - so stay with their Dad. they are 17 and 19. We have been talking recently about getting engaged. I brought the subject up last night, and said it would be nice to be engaged on christmas day. With this he said that he would rather leave it as he said that the jewellers may have a sale in January and could get the ring cheaper!!!! He later said that he was concerned about how his kids would react, they are 30, 28 and 19, the latter one still living with us. What if they didnt agree?? What would we do if they didnt agree! I ahve said that it is our life and not theirs and, we can do as we please, but he says that we have to think of the kids. This has shook me a bit, cos he is always saying that he loves me to bits , and he would be nothing without me. He was divorced last year and within 3 months his ex wife remarried again. I am totally confused.

[lady_p_gold]

Well I think this behaviour can fall into two camps and you are probably, like me, playing it over and over in your mind. Firstly you are probably a little resentful that you have made a certain sacrifice, even though your children are quite mature, of 'leaving them' and as a mother I know that has a certain guilt feeling. So it would seem that his even older children are not having such a hard time of it, and his taking them into consideration like this sort of freezes you out. So I can understand how that feels. The ring thing was very crass .... but could just be a total male lack of finesse on his part. It could be that he feels you are so much a solid unit that he is treating it as a family finance. You also probably want to feel secure and settled and are wondering why he does not have a 'desire' to make you his, even though that might sound old fashioned. I think in view of all this it would not be a good idea to get married at Christmas, but to wait and see what happens ... better to do that then to get married and then it all goes pear shaped .. and then where do you live ??? Don't rush into anything .... if it is all going to work out then it will still do so.
Good luck.

[debsoutho]

Thanks for your answer, i do dwell on things that have been said, and stretch them out of proportion!! I was under the impression that we both wanted the same thing, he is always telling me how much he loves me and I am his world, and he would be nothing without me, he has asked on quite a few occaions would I marry him and I have said yes, but now that i have mentioned it- its as though he has backed down, I am happy the way we were are, though I see no harm in getting in engaged, it seems that he is more concerned about what his kids think,
To me you only live once, and you do what you want to do, if someone doesnt like it, then at the end of the day it doesnt really concern them, its my life. His kids do what they want to do, so why does he feel that he has to run it by them first.?

[noxlumos]

I understand how you feel. When you are in love you want to jut dive into the amazing high it gives you and live your life with your partner to the full.I think it's disprespectful personally of him to "run it past" anyone at all, as it implies that you and your feelings are in some way second place to theirs.
That being said I think it's a common problem that some people try to keep everyone happy and in doing so end up keeping no-one happy.He may just be crass as Lady p gold says and not really mean what he says in the way you have taken it, but for me I want my partner to place me above all others in every way and anything less is just the the same mundane existance you could have with anyone.
Your love should make you heart skip a beat for no reason at all years after you've first met, and to be honest on that basis he should want to please you ahead of people who are in their 20's and 30's and are living their own lives imho.

[mikeyp]

I think running past someone in the street would be disrespecful. But you have an obligation to include your children and his in any decisions you make. They are a big part of your life and ignoring their feelings would not help things. It's not a question of not getting married if they don't like it. It's a question of making them feel better about it, for the sake of familial harmony. If you rush in declaring "your feelings are second place" whether thats true or not, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't go down well.

On the subject of the ring. (please feel free to ignore my comments on this one, I am a guy) If you could get the exact same ring a month later, and save �500 which could be used, say, for a nice weekend away in paris. I'd do it.

[debsoutho]

I understand that our children need to be informed, and I know that my children would be ok about it, but the way he is, I think if he mentioned it to his kids and they have something to say, he would probably leave it a while. He already says that we are as good as married. I also understand that, its just if anything goes on he thinks about what the kids will say or think. Sorry I-m not getting across want I want to say. His daughter has her own house, and lives with her boyfriend, we didnt know she even had a boyfriend until her son who is 6 said that her boyfriend was living with them!!! She never mentioned anything to her dad, so my point is why is does he feel he has to discuss it with his kids when they dont tell him anything that is going on in their life!!
His son still lives with us, and his girlfriend has half moved in, but he has never asked if it is ok if she stays. Do you get what I am getting at???

[mikeyp]

Yeah I see what you're saying. Things like this are tricky, the important thing is that you don't feel unloved or feel that he is delaying things beause he doesn't want to marry you.

To use an example from my own life, my girlfriend rang me up about a year into our relationship. She wanted to move in and get married fairly quickly, maybe in a year after that. (Of course some peoples opinions of quickly differ!) I on the other hand, wanted to date her for at least 3 years before getting engaged. At first she was upset, not wanting to move in/get married meant I didn't love her or wasn't sure. That simply wasn't the case. In fact, I was sure at the time, and still am, that she is the person I'm meant to be with. But that didn't stop me wanting to do it a certain way, and she now understands this. Your partner values his childrens opinions, and you shouldn't worry about that. He mentioned january, that's not too far away!

[Ethel]

I feel you are being somewhat insensitive.

Good for him for considering his children's feeling. They are grown up but in the last two years their parents have divorced, shacked up and re-married.

Christmas is traditionally a family day - to try and hog it with your engagement is selfish.

Just because he loves you it does not mean he has to put you before his children.

The fact his ex- wife has remarried is irrelevant - except it is all the more reason for him to go steadily and carefully and think about his kids.

Sadly we can't just do as we please - we do have to consider other people.

[debsoutho]

I agree that xmas is for family, but I dont think that I am selfish or insensitive for getting engaged at xmas. His family do there on thing and so he wont even see them on xmas day. Last year I asked if he would like to go out for xmas dinner, but he declined saying that the family would be coming round and what would his son who lives with us do for xmas dinner, I said that he could come along . so I left it, brought a turkey etc and then on christmas day morning his son got up - went out, so his dad rang to see what time he would be in for dinner, staying at my girlfriends for dinner was the reply. Then he rang his other kids up and they said they werent coming round. what a lovely xmas day we had..... not........
Sorry but I have put his family first and I think now that Iwe are in our 40-s we should be doing what we want to do, lifes to short.

[noxlumos]

I idolise my children, and my younger children who were living with us certainly had an input ( I ran it past them in the sense that I discussed the way I felt about her and the way that they felt about her) but that was prior to asking her to marry me. Grown up children by and large would not dream of "running" a partner past you, so I fail to see why the reverse should be true.
Working on the theory that they should be consulted what would happen if they objected? Would the wedding idea be called off? There comes a time imho when older children who are living their own lives cease to be entitled to a large input in what their parents do and I think by the time they reach their 20's and 30's they've reached it.

[lady_p_gold]

I think it all can all be summed up in one sentence ... you are having doubts about whether he feels for you the way you do about him, and you are wanting to be re-assured. 'As good as married' is not married, and I know I feel differently to someone when I am married, it is not something that is logical but it is there nonetheless. I think with all that there is, I would just take a breath and let things settle for a while, and whatever happens keep the dialogue going. Once you start brooding and going resentful that sews the seeds of destruction of a relationship. I also think you are feeling a bit hard done by ... after all his ex is all nice and settled .. and that is understandable. So ... talk it all over and see what he says and then I would just drop the subject altogether for a few months. Remember .. he is lucky to have you ! Don't enter marriage feeling that you pushed for it or that he got luke warm about it, or you will never feel right.