Help! I don't know what to do!

[browneyedgir]

I have recently contacted my biological father for the first time in my life (I amd 27) and kept it a secret from my Mum as she is a manic depressive and I don't want to upset her (they fell out before I was born hence why no contact ever between me and my "Dad"). I kept the fact I had met him secret from everyone apart from my then boyfriend but now we have split up and I am with someone else he is threatening to tell my Mum. Should I tell her first or keep quiet in the hope my ex says nothing?

[missyR]

I think what your ex is threatening to do is sickening and so untrustworthy ; i bet your glad hes now your ex! If you truly believe he will tell her then you should obviously tell her yourself. But you probably should have done that when you first got in contact with your dad. I understand how difficult it must be becuase your mam is a manic depressive but you simply have to explain you would like to conitnue rebuilding your relationship with him. Good luck and merry christmas! x

[browneyedgir]

The thing is Missyr I met him and we didn't get on at all and so are not bothering to forge a relationship. It was all a waste of time really but obviously I had questions that I felt needed ansering. My Mum has never ever spoken about him and if I ever pressed the subject she would say it was too difficuly to talk about. I am VERY glad indeed by the way that my ex is my ex. Just wish I hadn't spent 8 years of my life with him!!

[MrBen5]

Hmmm, personally i would tell your mum. Its not good to keep secrets. As she is a manic depressive, she will take it hard hearing off someone else, especially your ex. Tell her, and explain that nothing will change between you and her, but also explain to her that you have a right to see him. I wouldnt bank on your ex not saying anything, as he will obviously want to cause you pain, and may twist the story too. So when your mum confronts you, you wont get a chance to explain your side as she will already have an idea in her head...

[browneyedgir]

I don't even know how to begin to tell my Mum. I really don't want to lie to her if she asks (obviously if my ex tells her) but I am scared she will attempt suicide again which is what she does everytime something upsets her. Her most recent stay in hospital due to this was only two weeks ago and I so do not want to be responsible for her doing it again or even worse succeeding this time. My ex is saying that he won't tell her if we get back together and I am seriously considering it even though I know I won't be happy

[Pea Pod]

Tell him to get stuffed. If he tells your mam say it is a pack of lies and he`s making it up. One of my daughters has never told me the truth in her life and sometimes situations make you lie.

[browneyedgir]

Lies have a habit of coming out in the end though don't they. I never lie to my Mum and didn't see it as I was lying to her by not telling her - the subject has just not cropped up. It's a horrible predicament to be in. I know I should tell my ex to get stuffed but he owes me a lot of money and the only reason I am maintaining a friendship of sorts with him now is to get it back. It has only been four months since we broke up and he threatened to tell my Mum about my real Dad yesterday as he found out I have a new boyfriend.

[Jovica]

You say that you have recently contacted your biological father for the first time. Explain to your Mum that you have contacted him, purely to satisfy your curiosity, and that you did not get on and will be having no further meetings with him. Tell her as a matter of fact and don't whatever you do mention your ex boyfriends threat to her. If you mention the threat she will know you wouldn't have told her otherwise and then she'll start thinking what else are you keeping from her. I'm sorry but I know nothing about manic depression but I am a Mum and would always want my daughters to confide in me. Hope this helps.

[porfavour]

I also have just made contact with my biological father, thought I was the only one in the world to have done so, it completely throws your emotions around. I am 45 so had practically given up hope of finding him, then I got ADSL and searched the web for weeks. I casually dropped into conversation with my mother that I could look people up and she 'finally' gave me his name...then the problems started...although twice married, yet now single again, she almost fell back in love with him. She told me wonderful stories about the fantastic compassionate man he was, that he was brave and valiant..etc I felt so cheated that I could have known for all these years that he wasn't the git that ordered her to abort me. I cried so much for the man that could have been part of my life and felt so bad about not finding him sooner. She wanted me to take glamourous photos of her to email to him, she wanted us to both go and visit him, she even suggested I got a new passport (as he is foreign). She completely bamboozled what I felt was uniquely mine, to her he was her boyfriend refound, not my missing father. I exchanged photos with him, of just me and my daughter, I didnt want to tell my mum, and like you felt I was lying by keeping quiet. I told her in the end and showed her his picture, she was quite shocked at the old man he had turned into, she had kept the memory of a fit young man. Life is strange, just do what you feel comfortable with. As for the spineless reptile ex, I doubt he has the balls to face your mother and tell her something so loaded, he will be worried about her 'shooting the messenger'. He is just enjoying the power he still has to make you miserable. Tell him she knows and wants a word with him about the money he owes you, he wont go near her. I really hope it all works out, you sound nice and dont need all these other people's mistakes to bring you down.