Sexually Abused

[missy1981]

Have no idea where to post this question on here, or where to even start to look on the net... I was sexually abused when I was 9 years old by my brother's dad. He wasnt my step dad, he was with my mum or a good ew years and they had a son together. Anyway, to cut it all short.... He is now in prison for doing the same thing to other girls, he was only sentenced last year (I think), I'm now 25! I played no part in it as I was told by the CPS when i was younger that they couldnt do anything due to lack of evidence, so they let him go. Because of that, i had to move, start all over again and have my name changed. He was a very dangerous and violent man and my mum feared for mine, my sisters and my brothers safety....
Anyway, as i said Im now 25, and only really come to terms with it all.... I've written him a letter that i really want to send to him. Its basically reminding him what he did to me and how ive moved on and he no longer has a hold over me. i've left no phone number or address, i just needed to write this letter and i want him to read it, tolet him know what he did to me... call it a kind of therapy i suppose.... Well, i have no idea what prison he is in... i know it may seem silly, but its important to me..m How do i go about finding out where he is/what prison he is in???... Thanks for listening xxx

[maggie01]

Not sure, but do you know the court where he was sentenced. Maybe they would be able to tell you.

[JK2]

Writing to him lets him know that it is still on your mind - do you really want him to know that?

If you do write, be careful where the letter is posted from, otherwise you may be giving away the area you are living in.

Good luck.

[lizzydrippin]

I thought exactly the same thing as JK2. He might be sick enough to get some kind of pleasure from reading your letter. Its not very likely is it that he'll feel any remorse or guilt? Its good that youve written the letter, it will have helped you alot. Im just not sure you should send it to him.

[Immi666]

I found a site that will help you find this man, but I'm really unsure about giving you the link.

I agree that writing to him would give him the satisfaction of knowing that you havent forgotten him. I also understand entirely the theraputic effects of writing letters. I've written about a thousand letters to people who hurt me, including the friend who raped me when I was 16 (now 24). A lot of those letters I never sent, but the one to the rapist I did send. I never heard from him and I never had a moments doubt about sending it, but I upset a lot of people by sending it. Including my therapist.

I'm going to give you the link, but I need you to promise that you'll think REALLY hard about sending the letter. If you've gone to such lengths to change your name and things, go somewhere else to post the letter. Don't let him see the postmark. The people at this link might be able to help you with this. Or the Victim Support people might.

http://www.hmprisonservice.gov.uk/adviceandsup port/keepingintouch/locationservice/

Good luck, i hope you feel better. I understand how horrible you feel.

[orlieborlie]

I'm just wondering if you have a therapist? I know you said your letter was a therapy of sorts. If you have then perhaps you could ask his/her advice as they will know the best course of action for you personally. If not, I strongly suggest you get one. I spent two years in counselling for child abuse and even though all the answers were within I absolutely couldn't have come through it without her guidance. I confronted my abuser face to face - but then my circumstances were different to yours. All of us "survivors" will find that although our history is similar we are very different. Please consider getting help before doing anything - having said that you seem to have come a long way by telling him he has no hold over you anymore - well done and good luck.

[kjw333]

like most people have said, im not sure, but i am glad you have dealt with. if you can do that, you can do anything. you go girl!

[Finance Guy]

Hey Missy, You sound like you have come a long way from the unfortunate events of your childhood - you also sound like a remarkably brave lady.

I echo the thoughts of the above respondants, in that it MAY give the nasty B*****d some sort of satisfaction and also MAY be a clue via which to trace you in the future, unless you are incredibly careful.

As a possible alternative, you may wish to do what a close friend of mine did years after a similar experience: She too was badly abused and there came a point that she had to 'exorcise some demons', so to speak,. She wrote a very lengthy letter that detailed all of the nasty things he did, pointed out how wrong he was, how it was NOT her fault and how she has got over it, grown up,done well regardless and had began to create a really pleasant and normal life for herself, which was what she deserved.

After she had exhausted all of her emotions in writing this she then ceremonially burned the letter, as a way of closing this chapter of her life. The psychological effect of doing this released her from the shackles of the past and she described the feelings as being "like a caged bird being set free".

She has moments of reflection every now and again still but, on the whole, she is really well adjusted and lives life to the full.

I have no idea if this will spur an idea that may work for you too but, either way, I wish you all of the luck in the world.

Have a fabulous Christmas and a happy life - you deserve it.

KInd regards

[chicklin]

Do you think you would get the same kind of closure if you wrote everything down that you wanted to say, then set fire to it instead of sending it to him? I would worry that to send it to him will just feed his sick mind and he would probably get a kick from knowing you were bothered enough to send the letter. Don't give him the satisfaction of any contact from you. Make your peace with yourself, but without him.

[ummmm]

It doesn't work like that though. Although all the advise is good it just doesn't help the abusee to deal with it. We are not talking about his feelings at all, we are talking about hers. If you think that it would make you feel better then do it! Just make sure that he has no return address

[missy1981]

Hello all, thank you all for your help, advice and comments. All of them was taken on board. I have done the letter, but have not sent it. To track him down to a prison i have to give my details etc and im not willing to put myself or my family at risk like that. I have registered with online support groups and with much talking to my partner and my mum, i am going to give counselling another shot. I'm alot older now then the other time i went through counselling. I am also going to print the letter off, go back to the town where it happened and to the estate i lived on and 'bury my demons'. Sounds very odd i know, but i know what i mean and getting at... Thankyou all again, you have all been a great help xxx

[knobbynonuts]

hi missy 1981 what I have read about you reminds me so much of my girlfriend she is 46 now but was abused and reading between the lines I think she was raped when she was 13 years old and it has affected her a lot now even after all these years she just seems to act as though she is a rebelious teen and I think that she has not had a chance to grow up by going through that and is still stuck in her teen years she has never had any therapy to help her deal with this and no matter how much I try to let her see that she still needs help with dealing with this she just still trys to block it out. you seem to have taken the the first step and realise it was not you but it was the pervert that done this to you but please dont get in touch with the thing that done this to you as it will probbably only make him think in his warped little brain that you are still thinking of him please try to get in touch with some sort of organization that understand these sort of things and can help you
and please please please dont end up like my g/f when you are 20 years older get the help you deserve and need now