How do i learn to get the patients i need?

[BeFrank]

Just before xmas I wrote about what a complete muppet I was and how I bodged up my relationship, but was desperately trying to get it all back together again: http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Body-and-Soul/Q uestion335864.html

Anyway, what a bloody long christmas and new year its been full of text messages, and a couple of phone calls. Basically, I had to prove to my gf over the holidays that because I lied to her before (as youll see from the link), that I hadn't lied about anything else.
And I really tried hard and eventually, after much going backwards and forwards, she agreed on the phone yesterday lunch time, that we would see each other in the new year and give things a go, all be it very, very slowly.

The thing is, I had no idea where she was going or what she was doing last night, and when we spoke she had 2 party invites or was going to stay at home alone. I was visiting my parents for the weekend, so stayed with them for the new year festivities. When midnight hit, my gf was all that was on my mind and I couldn't wait to text her to say happy new year, and that I love her, and that Im going to do all I could to make us whole again.
I went to bed at 1:30 and still nothing from her, so I just assumed shed stayed at home and fell asleep. But when I woke this morning I found that I had a text from her at 2:20am and all it said was "happy new year x"
I really don't know what to think or interpret from this, I guess I was just hoping for a little more than that to start off the new year.
Or am I just over analysing things?

[BeFrank]

Im 30 and shes 28. I love this girl so much and really don�t want to lose her and do want the rest of our lives together. But this has to go both ways. I know what I did was wrong, but I feel that if we are going to give things a go, then it should be fair to both of us. I think that I still need to feel loved and wanted by her. I guess im just so worried that because she said that things arnt going to go back to where they were over night (which I do understand) am I going to be taken for a ride?
She has already said that when we first meet up next week, that there will be no kissing or cuddling and it wont happen until she feels she can trust me again.

Im also worried as in Feb. im moving about 40 miles away from her, and if we cant get things sorted by then, then what hope is there for the long term future?

What should I do?
And how should I learn to gain the patients im going to need in order to keep this relationship going while she learns to trust me again. (im no good at the patients thing).
My friends keep asking that what I did � was it really that bad that I now have to prove myself all over again?

Thanks for all advice. Happy new year to all.

[freak_unique]

Hey, ive just read your linkto why you and your gf split up (i actually remember reading it before)and i dont mean to sound harsh but she really is going over the top with this and takingyou for a ride.you told a white lie to try and help keep her safe as you was worried about her, its nothing major and she should understand that. She shouldnt still be punishing you for it you did next to nothing wrong!
If i was you id forget about her , move on, go out with your friends, have fun, meet new people (you may not feel like it now but it will hurt less in time) and i bet you she will come running back to you!

[bednobs]

blimey, you seem like a right doormat. As regards to text messages, well the networks are usually quite busy around 12 am, so they are often delayed

[BeFrank]

Thanks guys, as much as i hate to admit it, i think you might be onto something.
i just sent her a text saying happy new year, hope you had a good time and i assume everything is till ok with us and that she still wants us etc etc
andshe has taken it totally the wrong way, saying that is sorry her text was so late and it didnt say anything really nice, but she thinks im over reacting to it and shes not sure if she can or should be with me now.

i cant beleive she might seriously be thinking about calling off all this hard work and our otential future over a text message??!!

please tell me not all women are like this and i've just caught hold of a mad one here?
Or is it really me?
Please be honest!!

Thanks

[raysparx1]

I think she is playing you for an idiot,time to tell her you think maybe she is right and it doesn't look as if there is any future for you together,she seems to be loving being in control of the situation, time to knock it on the head, good luck, Ray

[ummmm1]

She is blowing this whole situation out of proportion. Its like she wants you to beg to give her ego a boost

[Eve]

She's taking the **** mate, I'm sorry but she is. It might sound harsh but could she be doing this to teach you a lesson maybe with no intention of getting back together, maybe she was looking for a way out of the relationship anyway. As regards the text though she may well have been out and drink or dancing and just fired of a quick reply.

It seems that your head is obsessing over her and that's not a good thing, you've given her all the power and sounds like you're both driving each other mad which is not a good place to be and one of you needs to be strong enough to walk away for good.

I think you need time away to get your head on something other than her to get some perspective and realise that there's far more out there for you than just her.

Moving could do you the world of good and hopefully you can both move on, as amicably as possible, don't get into any tit for tat hurting each other, and find someone better for you both. New Year new start.

Hope whatever you do it all works out for you :) x

[ilovemarkb]

i empathise with you befrank. I was married to a man who constantly had my stomach in knots, he let me down so many times, he couldnt give me the security and love that i needed. This went on for years, but i was too afraid to end it, didnt want to be on my own. Found out he.d been having an affair for a year. We.re now divorced! But the good news is that ive gone on to meet the love of my life "a real man" who treats me with love and respect. What im trying to say is that its better to be on your own and happy ,than in a relationship and be sad or constantly fretting! u need to bin her!!! shes taking you for a ride cos she knows she can! You sound like your very weak, sometimes woman prefer their man to be more assertive. In your next relationship you need to start as you mean to go on.You definatley need some time on your own, dont go rushing into another relationship.I was on my own for a year b4 i found love.!!! I done lots of things that id always wanted to do, but hadnt got round to doing it cos i was too busy fretting about my then husband. I joined a gym, went to college, bought a guiter and had guitar lessons, even got my old casio keyboard out again. goodness i do carried away dont i? But you really need to think things through and decide whats best for you, you.re number one, lifes too short, so live it the full!!!

[BeFrank]

thanks for all your help and answers guys - you all seem to be saying the same things!

as for you ilovemarkb
im glad you have found love now. i have no doubts what so ever about there being anyone else (and i still didnt about last night). and as for weak:
i'm a half italian/half irish leo, born and bought up in the east end of london and born in chinnese year of the dragon, and work for the armed forces. i think in reality, weak is one of the last things people would call me. but i am weak when it comes to my love for this particular person. - but i do know and am listening to what you mean.

thanks guys, please keep them comming. as we have arranged to meet for a drink this week, and i want to tell her something about the fact that i need to feel loved and wanted too.

[ilovemarkb]

Sorry befrank! didn.t mean to offend you. I dont think for one minute that she.s being unfaithfull, but she doesnt realise how good shes got it. You might scare her off if you demand more love etc. If she feels it, she.ll give it without you asking. I tried for years with my x to ask for more love , but he couldnt, i probably done his head in. I just kept thinking that things would get better, on the other hand my team manager was in a similar situation to yourself, he just called her bluff, demanded a break in the relationship, she **** herself, they were married 12 months later, so who knows, woman are mysterious creatures!!! good luck in doing whats right for you!!!

[BeFrank]

thanks, ilovemarkb
i didnt mean to sound ****** off eiher.
this whole thing has just got me running around in circles though. i just feel as tough she has me wrapped around her little finger at the moment.
every half hour or so, i have to fish my phone out of my pocket jst to see if i missed a call or text etc from her.

what the bloody hell am going to do .... i love her and dont wan to let go just yet (at east not until i moe in Feb) just in case things do get better. but i just want her to realise in the mean time that i also need to feel loved and wanted whilst i am provig myself to her.

[auzzie]

This might sound rude but it is not meant to be. In your questions you come over as very insecure. You have been given advise over this matter but it looks like you constantly need the reassurance by other people. Do you go on at your girlfriend like this. If you keep going on at her about not wanting to lose her and try to stifle her she will not respond very well. I went out with someone like you who needed to know my every move, who i was with and what did i talk about and did i love him as much as he loved me. It wore me down and i finished it. It was very hard as he was, deep down a very caring person, he just suffocated me. You need to relax a bit more. Things will probably never be the same between you, but it does not mean that it's over. At the same token don't let her call all the shots, it does take two to make a relationship work. Time will only tell if this one will. Moving away will be very telling. Good luck x

[minnimoo]

to be honest "befrank" a lie is a lie, and if youve lied in the past, you,ll lie again? reading the other threads people are saying your being taken for a ride, i disagree, i think your poor girlfriend is.
Maybe she was with someone else for new year?
Myself and my partner spent evey minute together thats what you do when your in love, so i guess shes not...... your moving in feb (again)..... so move on to the next person, and remember lies are not worth it..........!!!!!!