Relationships??????

[Sonak]

If you know that your relationship of 9 yrs has still got some issues like, trust, loyalty, forgivness etc Is it wise to have a child in order to bring eachother closer or is this wrong? Will marriage save a relationship with problems you have?

[yinyang]

Personally,I think having a child to bring you closer together is a huge mistake. The stresses of new parenthood are more likely to drive you further apart unless your relationship is good and strong. I know two couples who have split within a year of a baby being born- and one was a last ditch attempt to save the relationship. Ultimately, it's not fair on the child, It's a real person with feelings you're bringing into the world and saving a relationship is a hell of a lot of pressure to put on a newborn.

[steve2010]

what makes you think having a child will bring you closer together,it might go the other way and divide you even more.you shouldent be together if you are in need of something like this to get you closer together

[Sonak]

My partner knows deep down there are a lot of issues we have but yet he wants to settle down i.e. having a child & getting married. We are already engaged but yet he doesn't seem to realise that our relationship is priority at the moment which needs to be strong enough in order to do these things. I must add he is 36 & I'm 26.

[yinyang]

You sound very level headed and I think you are right that you need to work out the issues you have before you move forward into marriage or a baby. If you do go ahead and have a baby, if the relationship were to come to an end, the child would still be there to deal with for the rest of your lives.The problem is , I suppose, trying to get your partner to see this! Try explaining that you want stability and 'settling down ' too but think that these things are worth waiting for to make sure they last forever, rushing ahead could make things better in the short term but lead to longer term upheaval.
Would he agree to speak to a relationship counsellor? I know these things are not for everybody, but it might help to talk to somebody who is not emotionally involved.

[Sonak]

Well, it wasn't that long ago that I wanted to see a councellor for myself but my partner doesn't believe in them & thinks why bother talking to a stranger!? So in the end I never went as he told me to deal with the issues myself.....

[yinyang]

Well, he's entitled to his opinion about counsellors and if he doesn't want to see one you can't make him but it doesn't seem fair to me that he should decide whether YOU see one! If you think it would help you, and ultimately your relationship, then go for it.

[tradey]

some friends of mine last year were going through a bad time and thought a baby would bring them closer,well im telling you know it didnt it made it worse,and also i dont think getting married will change anything either,if theres no trust why bother to me trust is everything

[Sonak]

Thanks for all your advice. I'll have to have a long think about all this as I'm still a bit confused on what to do, its really difficult especially being with them for so long.

[angeldraws]

What saves a relationship is the ability to accept not only yourself but others exactly as they are. This is a difficult thing in itself but until you can get past the perceived barriers to trust, loyalty etc. you will continue to have problems in these areas. Try reading Sue Jeffers books, they are most helpful if you are open to the ideas/solutions she offers.. Good luck.

[poopy]

Hi there, ive been with my partner for 9years and we have the exact issues you were on about. Last year (just after his affair) i found out I was pregnant so we stayed together. We've talked about things - he's cried sed he's sorry - says it was the biggest mistake of his life and promises he wont do it again, I trust him 99% but to be honest even after having our baby the problems are still there eating away at me. On the surface everything seems great but deep down its tourchering me. Having our baby has not brought us closer together at all. My partner thinks everything is OK but I cant forgive the hurt and pain he put me through. Having a baby will just push you apart (less time for each other, more arguments etc).
Im with him because I do love him, we've been through a lot and people deserve a 2nd chance (but thats all he's got). At the end of the day Ive had my baby and he is my number 1 not my partner - he sunk down the priority list when he went with the local Bike - Amy Round.
I suppose its different for everyone - if your strong enough you can get over your problems. But I wouldnt say having a baby brings you closer together. Its hard, life is hard. Good luck anyway. xx